My friday the 13th experiences, part 1

Wow, just how odd was that time of the year for me in more than one way. Irony seems to befit me that one of the best nights ive had in such a long time. I’ve long since lived in a world of harsh realism, seeing things for what they are in my view and my experiences, right or wrong my thoughts are just based on that and indeed how I lived my life. Moreover what may be the end of this blog is the person who created the need to talk to people when there wore none.

Othello syndrome

Whoa, after a few weeks of non blogging my hits have sky rocketed to about 70 a day. Thats impressive for me to say the least, still off the heady days of over 200 a day.. Aah yes the old marxworld. Anyways today’s randomness came about reading a very obscure article regarding something called Othello syndrome

I lost my friends I dance alone

its 6 o clock and I want to go home

Why the hell does that lyric keep floating through my head for no good reason what so ever , however what a weekend, the sort of weekend that makes the week worth going through for,enjoyment, having a blast, being amongst people and you know having …fun.

But its with sadness that I endulge those happier moment in my life.  Because without one you cannot have the other, happiness is always precluded with sadness.  Take the last relationship which did indeed bring happiness but ultimately the most painful and most miserable time in my life.

Its at thsi point I reach a cross roads where do I carry on a path or try and believe in another path that might take me to a better place. Tie that along with the constant thought of is the grass greener on the other side and you end up with one thing.. fucking hell I hate logic at times.

To know and always appreciate each side of a converstation based on all its merits leats to the head being messed up with to say the least.  My one solace is sleep, the reality is wondering and then realising that when you take the chance to believe in something each and every time thats the ultimate failure, belief.  Thinking that some people are good, you have friends to rely upon, having a backup plan none of that exists. There is no past and present there is only the moment you live in.

For a month I took up a belief, a religion and to be honest it was the devout faith in Karma.  And after that month its obvious that a religion or belief is one thing and one thing only, fear.   Fear that we are not invincible, fear that there are consequences to what we all do. Perhaps attaching coincedental events to something that is tangible makes things easier in life. On the other hand the good is that it stopped me doing stupid things, on the other hand. Its stopped me doing stupid things. Hell I feel lost.

confused overthinking…

Confused.  There i am in work almost getting by a 2nd day of getting up at 7am to be in work at 8 when I get the following

A random text im sure you will but but thought u may like  to know that travis and perkins in hwest near snow drop lane are giving away free fire wood

Sent to me from… the EX.

7 months down the line and all of a sudden I get a text and I have no idea what to make of it, well i had no idea what to make of it.  Still I did reply with

cool many thanks will be a great help that

whereas it SHOULD OF BEEN

Thanks for the heads up. Hope you and family are well

Never ever respond straight away to a text out of the blue like that.  Just hard to when its like a small explosion happening in your insdies. It was a touch epcted tho because, and this does sound more than odd, i had itcy nipples which has always lead to contact.

So after going a bit wobbly and over thinking things above and beyond any sensability Ill just take it that it means nothing and was just “One of those things” I suppose.

Yes yes ok there was the smallest part of me to think “what if…”  fortunately sense kicked in and realizing why this situation came about, that soon stopped.  

I know I shouldnt let small things like this bug me out and bring me down, after all in the next day or so I find out if Im oing away.  Funny how odd things like this happens at times.

Anyways if you should be a female reader and care to interpret why I would get a text like that out of the blue.. answers on a postcard.

When it rains.

Sheesh.  When it rains it pisses down in a torrent style when you know you went out in sandles only for the weather to turn, a cold wind to blow over, the sun to hide behind cloud cover and then someone to think that its ooo sooo funny to dunk you in the sea with no clothes to change into and then “fancy a pint”

So quick update
Wake up, a wink from a dating site, first one ever. Good start
Into work on time.. Even better could be good…

Thats as far as it went
employee one seemed to think that a battery needed changing on a ups, just as his pc was crashing.  A ups either works or doesnt, well the BRAND new ones that we have do at least.  Then to find out that procedures werent followed and coupled with leaving early meant that yours truely is once left again to sort out the crap from people not doing jobs proper.  Thats the tip of it all.

Then to be told that when one of us is in the office its fine, when there is both of us there is an atmosphere.  Still on a basic positive of the day starting off well ish, suggestions were made to change offices, seating, pcs, this and that which all of which were met with “I dont see how that will work “by others.  Another year of staring at the same wall then.  Fuck isnt it jsut worth trying things at time that have no ramifcation on profits or business so a failure isnt that its just a test to see what happens?  Ack rambles of a drunk I suppose

So now im faced with being the bone of constenation but bare in mind the guy with the problem with ME was the one who got MY EX to take pictures for him in skimpy underwear for him to allegadly sell on ebay.  A nice reminder today was that , right just before going back home.  Man that brings it back , ever been to a place where black isnt black or doesnt exist.  You can always be told differetn but it takes time to confuse you to believe the difference in what you see, even when you present people with blind faith..

And I got to be honest the fact that everyone got away with it scott free, with no ramifications, no after thought, not a care and the only person left with nothing adn suffering is me.  He kept his wife and kids, she moved on that easily and once again, Im at the bottom and with less respect from him than ever.

With SP unwilling to give up the office, SW not willing to move ito mine then there is only one real option.  I go down a level from doing my project stuff and looking forward , to dispatching.  Yes ok thats one of if not the most important job.  Theory is that just let them run the company and deal with the upstairs stuff. Kinda feels like putting myself out way and beyond to accomodate those who seem happier and comfortable to dismiss ideas than contributing to a working solution.  Thinking on it now being cold most of the time, it shouldnt make much difference to me

Dont get me wrong here there is a damn lot to be greatfull here, the sea is close, the air is fresh, the views are stunning, free broadband, cheapish acomodation just that something is missing, there a gap and god knows what it is. Despite all the good things myself, in myworld unhappiness seems to reign supreme.

No its not just the money side of things and whilst money might not make you happy it brings a better standard of misery but more the complete package. To know what you like is to the first step to lead happyness.

1 day now to the next year. really dont want to think about tonight. Becks (ex ex’s sister) asked if i would take her to the george so she could meet her mates as she didnt want to walk in theree alone. I said yeah ok and send me a text. nothing yet and i doubt anything. No.. I dont like her in THAT way, shes a soul sounding on  a verge or going oen way or another and I hope that by just by being nice and a friendly person that might help in some odd way.  Yeah I know I doubt it and no, theres no danger of it going wrong and her going all mental liking me, shes way to sharp with that stuff hence being able to try and do this.  All a moot point really.

In weird dream land, who was that woman with black hair (again) with the worlds most gorgeous lips in a while top grabbing me awake to kiss me in such a way.  Must find that word for when you dream and ou feel whats happening.  Againt his morning I was sure I was awake but couldnt tell, like living a day without being awake and then having to do it all.. again

Put that along with talking to myself   and making strange noises, wonder if madness has taken hold?

Boxing day updates

I have already started to write another post, got side tracked and that bought about doing some reverse blogging as always.  Well after failing miserably to make it to dads for xmas day, and yes I did try right up to the point of having a breakdown about it but coming back from that brink yet again, I made the trip up.  Ok yes I was up late as it was cold and only saw dad for an hour or so but all was not last as I spent most of it with my little sister and her mum, That was ace and the best bit about xmas by far.  I think I almost feel all brotherly when with her and more than guilty with about 14 messags on my phone wanting me to come over for xmas day dinner….

5 months today

Whoo freaking hoo what a day. 5 months since i last threw things away.  Thsi is more of a message to gribzy more or less than a blog post.  I know things are over, I know that I lost and now I can say hand on heart that I finally given up, hopefully you of all peorople will understand that its not the musing of some emo boke down on his luck.

I gave myself 6 months to turn my life around , beone of the people that move on and get over things, to be like the people that I watch on a daily basis.  Fuck me what is up with things that when someone I know is left behind by HER mates walking up the massive hill and leave me with her and then I ofer to walk with her, not offer to walk her home, to make sure that shes safe as she has 2 kids, dog husband, just to make sure shes safe and I get told, id rather not cause its you.  With no other reason that just wanting to make sure someone gets home Im stil the outcast.

Was intersting watching all the eople walk on leaving me and this lass behind.  Showssss how life is I suppose, signs are given in the most strangest of ways

I lost my friends
I dance alone
its 6 o clock and I want to go home.  Poetic.

So now sat here, half pissed, watching my cat, drinking export and with  touch of reluctance this is where I belong.

Tonight wasasked abotu my dad and when was the last time I spoke to him.   Hoep they understand when I said I cant because afer eeing him last xmas and the look that only my dad could of give me, I can face him.  “you are his son” SP said to me.  No im not his son Im a mistake.

One thing therapy has told me that I am what I am from my own thoughts my own mind. There was no parenting, no bad influences, nothing to lead me astry.  I am my own creation, my own failures and my own sucesses with no one else to blame but me.  That is what I carry,  and as i was about to write my cross to bear.  It is me and that is what I am.

Anyways back to the start of the post. Gribz, you did nothing wrong bar point out my flaws, the attention shown should of been me.  I love her, i miss her and theres no getting over that.  For me a path has been taken an im at the paths end

Smiles

(this bit posted jsut after work)
Finally car sorted and back on the road, a bit of a break that I got paid for all the work that I do for people on the side via my company. Lol realy did laugh out loud my company, sheesh that was lost ages ago still went to the main biggest shop that not 12 miles away.  A lass known as Mdget was there.  Think Avril Lavinge but slimmer.  Love her voice but never spoken to her ever, shes like that girl that you admire from afar always wishing that just for once she would turn look at you and smile.  The one that there never seems to be the chance or that thing in common to speak to her about, so you sigh and thats that.

Even tho we never have spoken its interesting the reaction.  Thanks to therapy monitoring body responses to situations and trying to deal with them  become second nature. Christ my hands grabed my car keys so hard blood was almost drawn, breathing becomes hard and feels really tight.  Anxiety is an understatement.  Stupid and silly yet but in an instant yourself for who you are how you are dressed and all your flaws in an instant.

I Know deep in my soul that I wont be with anyone again and fact is that I cant.  Gribzy said I could bounce back from anything just the other day. Those words stuck with me and mulling them over again and again. I wish I could agree.  When the split happened tings changes, I changes and I knew in an instant that even if the journey ends with me comint out the ther end, bein the same was never giong to be on the cards.  All the years spent fighting and believing in one thing and another, right or wrong.. a complete waste of time.  Gribzy you are right, should of just grown up sooner and just accepted things.  People change, people move on, most of the time for hte better but for thigns to be better there has to be the thing you are better than

Not long back frm the pub. Qic night on  a Wednesday is always a mixed bag but now the St Davids lot have ventured down, backs are up.  Dont get me wrong people having a laugh and a good time isnt a problem and hell Im one of the worst for geting a bit cocky and loud mouthed b then paper pellets start flying and what they do interrupts me then that’s a whole different matter.

In amongst them was a simply gorgeous lass, obviously the local bike of the group but thats here not there.  Its fact btw as the ex ex told me this so ner.  Amongst it al lshe has simply put a beautifull smile, that sort of smile that changes a whole persons face, almost like a beacon, cheeks light up, teeth show and it was just simply like a work of art a beautifull sunset casting down over newgale beach, captivating.

There is always a problem when being captivated, when you want to see it, look because its just nice to see it you run the risk of that dodgy bloke in the corner looking over.  Being me this then triggers off the toughts that I used to make someone smile and in turn smile myself.  Something that I dont do but then try on purpose not to do.  My head rolls back and loking upward to the stars on a clear night i just shout the words fuck.  The normal part of me wants to be angry, be upset, let it out however the real me inside, the processing part the logic knows that there is nothing or no one to blame but me.

Anyways, the 2 local aussie barmaids that were here for the summer have said good by tonight, chrissie and chelsea.  2 very lovely women said goodbye and it was the first hug ie felt in a long, long time.  The feeling of being pulled tight and feeling someone close, well we all know where that takes my mind to… Ex ville.

I am a twat for acting like I did, one pissing careless act can haunt you for ever.  Weeks before shit happened my mantra was that I dont fuck up but when I eventually do it will be a BIG one.

time for bed

last weeks therapy update.

I know this is a week late but here is the update on the therapy situation

Task1 – Use Elastic band to stop thoughts going down a negative path.
Pain association,  Um epic fail on that one as the pain of thinking about the past is already bad enough

Job Interview
As we all know I got that one and got landed with more work that was a touch out of my remit but I will have a go. Sheesh why is nothing easy any more

Cook a proper meal.
Epic fail again due to lack of fundage, no car (again) and having no idea where to start.  Though I have dusted out a cook book so I will give myself a point here

Go home for lunchtimes
Fail again, Work being too busy at the moment to do so. Well thats a bit of an excuse as theres no food at home, must take  some pics for the blog

Tesco Job Application
Didnt bother after getting the PC role.

Think further afield.
Perhaps its time to move on from what I am doing.  Don’t get me wrong my job is good, in fact anything like this ever again would be hard to find.  Further afield might be london in a few months time.  Will see once again might just be pie in the sky, like that ever happens.

Today is week 8 and the last therapy session.  How do I feel about that?  Not good.  Its the only time I get to speak to someone who HELPS, doesnt let me self destruct.  Come 4pm today life because a bit well…. harder.  Theres not a reliance or a crux on going to therapy but it does make the world feel  a touch less empty being able to talk to someone.  Last night whilst just watching scrubs I just burst into a short amount of tears, even the cat gave me a hug at this point.  At night i sit on the sofa, no one to tall and missing my past life something chronic with only the thought of my fuck up for company.

Ill leave on this note that I realise seh was more than my girlfriend (now ex) but that part of me that was missing , the push, the confidence, in fact you know…. she made what was the “chappell”..

Blog update in a few hours.

7 weeks of therapy later

Wow that looks almost half impressive when you write it on the bloggin machine that is wordpress.

so seven weeks of therapy have passed and what do I feel now thats diferent than before.  To be honest not a great deal. I can look at a razor and not think of it as a weapson in which to make thigs easier in the ransition from one life to potentially another.  Gof is always used as a scape goat for one reason or another when its not him / her  its fault

I have no friends now. Just colleauges that I work with which is a majorly sobering thought, especially with CF said the very same thing

KF was the best of e.  she was the missing ink in my world, the part tat was the rationalist.  I a glad she has found happiness with anohter althogh I write that I feel sad but I have no right to.

Solva is the hardest place in the world to live in

and today to cap it all off my mum has been in touch with me offering me to go and see her up i skegness.  WTF,  Though I have decided to forgive and let her have a peace of mind that she o longs for.  I will and can carry the burden of guilt of life upon me on the agreement that she will go forth and sort her life out.  The pain of the fuck ups is mine and mine alone.

The worst thing about therapy is that there was almost a part of me that wanted to keep the fight going, PS will always knw about my constant rantin about keep fighting, keep going, dont sucumb to resistance and plough through.  Yes the ramblings of a younger, immature me. I guess thats the point of getting older sis that you accept this and learn to give up and take life as it comes. It is as it is. In a rush to achieve I did manage to achieve something in the end, my biggest failure.

I was told tonight that living around here is hard.  Correct too hard and at  am in the morning the sobering fact of being alone and knowing htat I dont get to talk to anyone till mondya morning is just plainn odd.

There might be a life line just yet, to take away from just dwelling on things. A new hob, thats right ther eis a local company wanting  an enginerr for 5 hours a week but the problem  here is that its not an engineer job now they want someone to take the company and run with it, grow it and to be honest Im just plain tired out.  Signs of burn out are already present. Tired, aches, problems breathing and the worst f it all, lack o ideads. That part of the brain firing of neurons to come up with the ideas that kept us all in jobs, solves stuff, keeps things moving has ceased to exist. That scares me.