Wow, just how odd was that time of the year for me in more than one way. Irony seems to befit me that one of the best nights ive had in such a long time. I’ve long since lived in a world of harsh realism, seeing things for what they are in my view and my experiences, right or wrong my thoughts are just based on that and indeed how I lived my life. Moreover what may be the end of this blog is the person who created the need to talk to people when there wore none.

1 year and six month passed from the time that i fucked up. Without wanting to sound just a touch too emo ish my perception on who I was and what i was, ended up being completely screwed and then the decent into a personal hell started and continues. Why.. because of one mistake

So cutting things short here, thursday a few texts were exchanged and I ended up in the place where never in this lifetime I thought I would be. Dont get me wrong I had imagined this for the last year and a bit. When you are down you hold onto precious memories and the one that I had amongst everything was seeing the ex in the door way with a smile on her that I always counted on being mine.

And for a moment it was there, that look in the door way before we got into the house and stood around in the kitchen talking. Damn she makes a nice brew still. Freaking odd. There’s a red ring on her engagement hand and no less than 6 months after out split she was engaged. One of the things I admired the most was the ability about boxing her emotions away, never letting them come to the surface. Repression of senses and feelings, man that’s something to be envious about. And yet this is something that I wanted the most in our relationship. The body wasnt that important. What was, the soul, her because deep down I know the woman whom I adored was in there, fleeting glimpses were enough to keep me fulled to want it so damn much.

I digress the night goes on and its hitting about 1230 and we are talking and joking around. I seem to remember asking her something, she smiles “smile” and looks away. Picking her up on it she knows I’ve seen that smile. **READ THE DISCLAIMER AT THE END HERE** Its explainable only when you see it. There have been pics posted on the net and there were a few on the laptops but, in my view, none of them were her.

Apparently the guy she’s with doesn’t know half as much as I do and never will.

You know, writing this I might just stop at least for now. Just to savor it for a moment.

Anyhoo things were discussed and talked about. For the first time ever I got to say sorry. Part of me wanted to let loose with the feelings but that’s exactly what books tell you not to do. A moments silence passed and she turned and looked at me and replied to me. For once there was no doubt in my mind it was sincere and genuine, no bollocks, no KF’ness just a true honest from the heart answer. The eyes always give the game away but she said that if she thought I was that monster that I fully believed I was then I wouldn’t be where i was right now. “You did it and only once was enough” If only I had the head to say i would of spent the entire life making it up to her.

The convo drifts on and I’m there’s a lot of shit about what I lost and what I threw away, natrul reaction to things really.

As for talking about the rest of the night, that’s perhaps for part 2. Theres a whole backlog to things here.

So for now, do I expect to hear from her again, well I did get a text on friday asking me not to tell anyone in Solva and trusts me not to, but as to will I hear from her. I really don’t know, my senses are emptied at the moment but I’ll say no. Not for a long while and I cant see myself going over for another brew, however much Id like to.

**DISCLAIMER**
I’m more than aware here that its easy to tell someone what they want to hear. Loneliness can get the better of us all and by no means am I under the delusion that I was anything than just someone.

“Stop second guessing” is what i was told. Easy enough to say but you know chat logs can have all manner of evidence. But despite thinking that the next day. At that time, in that company, more than ever for along , LONG time things felt right!

The main thing here is the morning, after having questions answered at night it was like being a peace with myself. Waking up, no questions about yourself, no hatred of myself. To walk around and just having a head clear, no confusion, if only for a few hours was simply the most amazing experience ever

Last night.. Interesting to say the least.. Freebird, the first song on the radio this morning after waking up just seems so apt. more info shortly.

Right so its been a week that Ive been back and sweated my bollocks off each and every day so far so its fair to say im not in the best of modds. Thursday night at home with that feeling of just not being at ease with the world. For a laugh I head over to facebook…

It cant just be me that thinks its just a self serving method for everyone to show how you dress up, get hammered and then show off ingeneral about how glamarous you can or cant look and then post your throughts onto the web.

Ah if only it was posting thoughts onto the web.. let me give you an example of some posts that my “friends have”

xx has just finished spring cleaning…
xx is waiting at a train station
xx doesnt know what to do

dear god, is that it.  You clean and then decide to tell the 200 people on your list that youv’e done a task that pretty much everyone else does in the world at least once in their life?

Ok so at a train station, which I still don’t understand why the food shops CLOSE at 6pm when most people are traveling through but such is the mentality of the uk where banks still have less people on the tills at lunch time and every phone center you call is always “experiencing a high demand right now”  How can that be, surely trends are plotted and forecast for. Jesus if we can bloody predict flu outbreaks 4 years in advance because that’s how long it takes for jabs to be manufactured then why is no one thinking ah, hang on, lets promote a way to make the most out of lunch time daily chores.

You know i’ll actually take myself off it, if ever there is a reminder of how ostracised from people I am its when they block you from getting the pathetic updates from their lives because its that imporant that they dont tell you that they are in a train station. Me I dont block them beause, well, whats the point im posting the same shit but at least I twitter.

On a random note a strange pub / woman event happened.  Even after being away for a few months seeing and learnign stuff I still cant bloody tell if a lass is intersted or not and yet the other night there seemed to be some sort of eye contact and thats where my own personal phychosis kicked in.  How does it work that you see a lass, shes not that attractive, not that good body wise (and no Im not into slim birds what so ever) BUT there was that something about her.  She was northern and thats a good start, how can you not love accents like that and I cant be the only person alive to find the Geordie accent on a lass more than attractive.

3 days later contact is made, and of course too much thinking and not enough being me the attempt one of those classic moments of red facedness trying to talk to women moments.  Full of beer and spirit last night I thought, right, beer on friday, darts, im going to bally way say hello with no other intent than saying hello.  The reality sphere kicks in as I then find out that last night was her last night around here lol

And on that note. Bed time

Well this is it, the end of my time in the city of Dubai. For how much I’ve learnt and gained from experience has been in direct proportion of how much I’ve lost in some respects.

Even tho at times there has been a load of whining about being over here its experience, what you get jsut after you needed it, thats helped me realise that things like “holidays” or taking a break really do make a difference on things. To be able to gain some mental downtime, get away and come back in order to truely appreciate what you have, had and perhaps get.

WEll I had thought that id do a ncie long blog here but right to the last, work call me so off I go again…

Its another rant time, based on ONE day of existing and having a bad day this gives me the supreme right to know all thats wrong with the world.

Today I want to aim this firmly at Tescos and any establisment which has an escalator with those stupid fucking announcements..

“please mind your step you are nearing the end of the escalator”..

No fucking way. you are shitting me, I got on this fucking thing and Ithought it was some sort of magical mystery ride that went on for infinity, a joyous ride of going up and up or down and down.  In no fucking way did I ever expect an escalator to end.  When I moved onto the moving platform with my trolley in a state of mental awareness, after all like 90% of all visitors there I passed my driving test so therefore could brave the roads in a potential killing machine thats just under 1tonne in wieght, going past the BMW garage where indicators arent really needed.

No honestly if you own a BMW then you own that road and all rights of way and bye laws in that moment in time you are driving so there is no need for ooooo I don;t know, following the highway code.

The powers that be in supermarkets have provided a sound ssystem that does a damn fine job in booming out over 5 speakers at a level of annoyance which mathematicians must of worked long and hard on, so much so that at a railway station you can still here fuck all but in a supermarket its as clear as day and can be heard over everything in Tesco’s, including the 3 pasty faced girls/women dressed up to the 9’s for a night out that for whatever reason stopped off in Tescos.

Perhaps I am missing something here, like I normally do, but short skirts are ok, but then why so much make up?  It’s obvious to see you are whiter than the average background of any word document so having a skirt that barely covers your front bottom isnt going to make up for it.  So prey tell if you are showing off that you are so “daring” with your white legs why go to the bother of putting on so much make up to cover up the fact that your diet is piss poor and you are in fact as pasty as your legs.

Give us all a break, its britain and the weather is shit, we all eat way too much and its only the PR machine that stops us from realising that perhaps we all could do with eating better but thats not possible as there are no REAL WORLD cooking shows.

Jamie Oliver might travel around the world cooking, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall  might go off, shoot some game hens and spit roast them over a log fire made of pure mahogany, Rachel Ray pretend to be down with the people but who, please tell me, is cooking for the lowest common denominator.

How dare I be so jumped up perhaps but bear with me, lets look at the TV listings

Underage and Pregnant
Teenage and Pregant
Stupid vs Strong
Katy Brand (parodies all sung in the same bloody key)
Cathrine Tate (just..NOT .. Funny)
that stupid make undershow where perhaps the presenter could take a leaf out of the own fuckign show shes presenting
X-factor (no fucking wonder whats going to be a xmas number 1.  If 15 weeks of marketing and over 40 hours a week of programming doesnt work nothing will. )

and other all appeal to the mass breed of audience thats been created.  What happened to intelligent TV, well I hav an answer for that.  PR. All the “intelligent stuff” has been shuffled to BBC4 which is like the Honda of TV channels, aimed at oldies and fogies.  Radio 6 might be a fringe channel but it’s diverse and pleasurable where as most shows such as Zan Lowe WHOS PLAYING THE BEST THING EVER AT 100MPH ever is a more forced effort.

And after some digression we come back to the Tesco Elevator, are we really in a society where we need to be told to mind out for something that is coming to an end.  You get in a car, travel somewhere and you dont expect to be told to be carefull because you are coming to the end.

For fuck sake they give you trollies which you can injure yourselves with, ram people and worse than that, cause frustration by leaving it , wandering off at the most popular discount baked bean discount counter which is almost as annoying those people who goto cash points after waiting in a queue for 30 minutes and then decide that its the most appropriate time to sort out all of lifes finances and check the multitude of credit cards in their pocket.  Where is the liability to say “please be safe” with trollies, if they can put the effort of a PA system into a supermarket to warn of , lets face it, inevitability of a freaking motorised path.  People who are unaware of a moving transit platform really shouldnt be let out into society.

There is still a small touch of hope , perhaps a meer glimmer into the underlying intelligence of people and believe it or not its twitter.  The UKs most followed man is Stephen Fry.  Even tho the references to being gay are a touch on the “look at me im ghaayyy honestly” it’s an intelligent voice but to think that its the most followed on Twitter, perhaps there is hope for intelligence or is it now an almost undergound movement.

This saturday almost verged upon clever comedy night, Monty Python, clever or stupid is up for debate, Shooting stars is back on the TV. One hopes that its not for money value, which it is always it but perhaps now is the time for clever comedies and not just comedians saying fuck this and ranting.  At least when Ben Elton did it there was an edge to it.

So how do I round this up, a rant based on little fact but the TV listings provided to me.  Easy

Join me in the fight and Im serious about this.  VERY serious.  Fight the Tescos marketing system and by doing this save yourself money. Lets face it people will only do anythign that benefits themselves, people will only do something if they want to.

Just once try this, if you never do anything ever again , never read this blog.  All this involves is 15 seconds of walking on average.

1. Start at the wrong end of ANY supermarket and walk against the tide, dont follow the crowd and look at the shelves. look at the top shelf thats where the real bargains are.
2. Ignore the END bargains. The end of the Aisles are the prime marketin areas so be warned.  Things marketed arent the end are not there to benefit you. No matter how good a deal it is, its there to sell to you, and if soemone wants to sell to you its because its all about money.  Thats the spot bargains that they have made. Now if you look at the alternatives Ill be you will find the same but better (sausages are the prime example)
3. Dont be lazy. My tescos is on a route which I pass Lidl on the way home.  Anyone who says that the quality isnt there has been there on a bad day or you dont apprecaite proper beer and think that Stella is an equisit beer.

Now people will think that it’s hassle to shop around but what if we changed the way we thought. Instead of hassle and hard work we think of it as healthy excersie, to walk around and see things, explore new places etc.  Perhaps its all really a state of mind

Well its been three weeks back into the uk and it seems that my blogging has left a trail of people, well one, wanting to comment on, when I log into MSN.

Its funny that one persons brutal honesty is always frowned upon no matter how often you repeat the same ting over and over. Lying is hard work basically, very hard work so keep them small and thats the point and case here, this blog is as honest as it can be…

So when Im picked up on what I write here being so much more devastating than when I say things in real life it does make you wonder. Yes my blogs are cheap journalism as its easy to run out of creative ideas and start on a rant, hence the title of “addiction to pod casts”. Stephen fry is a god damn genious if somewhat a tormented type as someone that articulate and intelectual must struggle in the real world perhaps?

Now in the case of this blog as well, what I’ve said to a person in the real world has also been written many times in this blog. 2 people having FUN without attachment is a very rare thing. Lets look at the word fun..

Recreation or fun is the expenditure of time in a manner designed for therapeutic refreshment of one’s body or mind.

Source. Wikipedia.

Productivity suffers through a lack of fun, its a lot lie sunshine in the same way as being in the sun creates chemicles in the body that produces that happy feeling.  Ever noticed that in the sun everything seems a little brighter (pardon the pun) just a touch easier to deal with.

Yet fun is the hardest thing to achieve at times, in this particular instance having fun with someone is fraught with difficulties that are self enduced.  To actively put obstacles in the way of having fun means that you are accustomed to being miserable something which we can all relate to.  Being back in the UK for 2 weeks I can’t honestly say that its been the most enjoyable experience apart from a few moments where fun happens, be it darts, walking, talking to people and viola the body and mind starts working again.

So thats the theory behind it all however things are still at a loss and bemusement about attitudes of people.  To use someone would mean that the gain from “whatever” is not reciprocal.  So unless the fun had was a lie then being used cant really apply.

The next thing levvied at me was that I lied.  Again lets consult wikipedia

A lie (also called prevarication) is a type of deception in the form of an untruthful statement, especially with the intention to deceive others, often with the further intention to maintain a secret or reputation, protect someone’s feelings or to avoid a punishment.

Breaking it down, Deception. Being brutally honest I wasnt the one in the relationship at the time and so to decieve perhaps is a deflection of how someone feels but transferrs it onto myself.  Maintain a secret, now yes this bit I will admit, to keep something GOOD a secret makes things even better.  A load of people reading this have been out with someone but kept it quiet for a bit to see how things go. There lies my point… “see how things go”  which was a repeating mantra.

To protect someones feelings, yes this I am extremly guilty off on all accounts, in a court of law the book would be thrown at me on all charges.  Giving someone hope is one thing on the other side of that taking it away is just as bad.  Now this situation was complex and so the only lie that was told wasnt told.  So its not a lie its called non disclosure.  You cant tell someone how you really feel at times because it makes a situation worse.

So boy meets girl and instead of jumping in feet first, boy takes time.  Now tell me if thats the wrong thing to do.

The person who perhaps might read this blog as an explaination has obviously ignored all the posts about just how much one person goes through after a split up and concentrates just on themselves and how they feel.  Im not advocate of that stupid saying “well take into account how they might feel or react” however I do believe in having an understanding and being fully able to deal with ones own thoughts and feelings before making statements.

It does come down to feelings.  When the big split happened a friend summed it up in the following

Women are like monkeys, they dont let go of one branch till they have another.

Exactly what the ex did, case and point proved with no shadow of a doubt what so ever.  Its no bad thing to be a branch but like all structures, it can only support too much.

Comingback to an example, youre a wreck from the last relationship, new woman in your life has a bucket full of issues and insecurity as well as loving the high life (3 holidays a year, driving a new car, ps3 type lifestyle.. if thats normal please tel me and that statement will be happily retracted).  So life for the man is spent walking in a shell trying to put together the thing called life or get some semblance of normality and even tho this girl who has been a dream and fantasy for so many years comes along its like I always say

The right thing is ALWAYS the hardest thing to do

and the right thing to do was to let that one go.  The final obstacle of us meeting up was obstacles.  Quite frankly if you REALLY want to do something you think about how to make it happen , not what if, you think things through, come up with a plan and think about it… IF you REALLY want it to happen.  Sod what sort of frame of mind you are in.  Why did something that wasy easy suddenly develop to be an issue thats unresolvable or problematic.

If 2 adults with their own transport dont have freedom to go off and do things, and im not talking just about fucking, appreciating the freedom that society provides due to … ahh there is a quote here

“poor is the person whos pleasures depend on the permisson of another” – Madonna

Having been in a relationship where control was paramount it will always end in one way and thats desctruction, not of the relationship in all cases but of the persons soul and being, defining who you are is paramount in life.  Not all of us ever find out who we are, however the path to finding is leads to the end of the road and I hope that personally when im on my deathbed (again), a final breath is drawn, it’ll all become clear.

It may never happen but I sure as hell dont want to get old, sat in my chair with a one bar electric heater, alone with only the thought of “What if….”

Bloody nora what a journey that was. Leaving at 9pm uk I eventually get back to base at 6pm the next day. That was a journey and a bit.

It all started at Dubai and went wrong from there. Loosing the wallet in the taxi just before catching the plane was a bit of an omen for how the rest of thngs were about to go. On the plane, sandwiched between 2 rather large people which is no bad thing as im small but the women in the window just had the worst wind ever. Even I manage to keep it in when in a confined space.

Food time on the plane.  Its a choice of eggs or pancakes.  Lets try the eggs.  Over they come but completly not cooked.  They might of been ok but lets not take that risk as they like to feed us before turning the lights out for some sleep.  After eventually attracting another steward I try the pancakes.  Advertised as just pancakes you think ah ha thats ok.  Nope… these were filled with fruit that I cant abide.  Third time lucky I finally go back to the eggs and well, at least they were mildly warm.

The touchdown in amsterdam early was a good thing.  Of course at 5am in the morning nothing is open and no food available so plane food was the only thing in my system to “keep you going” is the “food” on the plane.

The next plane was Amsterdam to Heathrow and for once I got there 20 mins early to wait in lie instead of running for the last boarding shout like I normally end up doing.Plane was 20 mins late taking off due to what seemed to be the slowest check in ever.  The line barely moved as obviously this was a British crew on this flight (you can always tell) and suddenly the pace picked up when it was getting near and then past the allotted take off time.

This meant that touching down in heathrow was late, the luggage being unloaded late. So now its 9am my time back in the uk, stuck in heathrow trying to find the express line to Paddington. Women comes up to say head to platform three and after a walk and a half to say the least up I arrive to be told im at the wrong platform and to walk 7 mins in the direction I just came from.

10 mins later the train is 15 mins away from the platform. Eventually getting to Paddington LATE this means an hour wait for the train.

Arriving in cardiff, late, up to the man behind the counter whos job it is to help people yet somehow, a friendly enquiry as to when my next train invoked a look as if id asked him to carry me on his shoulders to home. Not moving from his desk he shouts its 2.05. Great an hour and half to kill. Tramping up and down cardiff for that time trying to find free wifi was a pita with a bag and suitcase.

Thats when I realised just how rude people can be walking down the street. I mean is it too much to give way to someone with a suitcase and rucksack without a look of indignation. Obviously manners have become a thing of the past in the last three months.

My train arrives on time to then go slower ans slower and the 2 and a bit hour journey takes about 3. 5pm ish I arrive back at home. That was a long journey. 20 hours just to be cold… Still making the most of it, catching up on things and its nice to have net that works at a decent speed!

Who knew about her Tatoo

Peaches Geldof has about 20 tattoos on her body. (photos below) Geldof was frolicking topless at a South American beach resort. Geldof exposed her body art of tattoos.

Geldof had a flowered vine from her left rib cage to her thigh. Geldof’s right arm had a book, heart,and a name.

There are two doves on her right and left hips. The rest of the tattoos can be best seen in the pictures

Yes this is some SHAMELESS Hit linking but i bet it gets  no where near as much as the Jennifer Anniston Topless posts

What the hell just happened today.  Just out of the blue our email stops working , people complain and after six shouts in find out that our mx record is missing.  Even odder because there hasn’t been a mx record as I’m on a static ip address but does that mean you still need an mx entry.  Updated.  Sorted as of 01/09/2009 so Im off to the pub where I wont try iphone blogging again drunk   read on though for how to play my new pub game.. Bird or Brass

Just what I didn’t need near the end on my contract here just when I’m about to start negotiations to stay here for a little longer. Problem is just might have missed the boat as the are aparsntly interviewing someone for the Jin. That in itself is more than interesting as they don know what it they have so how can they interview for the job they know nothing about. If Nything I should be doing that but such is the way things are beig done here.

The plan is to get into the role for three to six months but under some terms like not working a full week and pitch it to save them money, which it will. In the meantime I can work on other things as well, or maybe just a touch of wishfully thinking.

It’s all money driven but how much is putting up with shit really worth. Specialtech is down the pan now sk it’s time to let go of one of the hardest things I ever worked at.

I always said there is change every year, friends move , change jobs, move on, couples split up and it seeks that this year is my turn again dammit.

One more for the road to play bird or brass. A great game to play bit just a tad easy. If a bird smiles or looks at me then it’s brass but the one across the way looks almost normal, well as much as a woman can. As I always say snakes with tits. One of the only creatures that will bleed for a week and not die. That, like all women, just doesn’t make sense at times.

Back to bird or brass. The amount of drink they have is also an indicator with the exception of the Russians. Normal brass make a drink last all night and that’s just a half.

Different nationalities smoke differnt types of cigarettes as well to add to the mix. If it looks long and slim and almost chain smoking or they think that blowing a carcegenic type substance in yor llyour face is appealing. That’s brass.

It’s still a laugh that some of them bow acknowledge me because they see me regularly but never speak to me which proves a level a standard previously not known about. As I just were this the fit, not too old blonde one, just smiled and nodded her head at me. Guess what. Brass lol

Another thing to help decode bird or brass that’s just been noticed is jewellry. Minimal on brass as it could get lost or stolen. Perhaps I spend too much time thinking about these things.

As another weekend decends upon me here in Dubai it’s time to start thinking of what to do at the weekend. So at midnight 9pm for you um people, I was in the line to get snow leopard fro my local mac store. Being honest my laptop is aging now and I don’t see a performance boost happening like with windows 7 on the same hardware but it was nice to talk geek stuff in the shop for just a shirt while and learn something well at least from the manager. The staff semes to think I could only have it if I had bought a new mac in the last year. Even the manager said the staff were poor but what do you expect for a monthly wage of two hundred notes…

Notes from the pub

: mad south African barmaids who thinks I’m a dick is here, from the hop fest
: lots of women here tonight. Must be cabin crew
: fosters takes poor tonight. Oy in Dubai does it ever taste nice..!honest!
: thank god for the staff who seem to like , or like laughing at me which means I get served promptly.
: woman in mall who recognized me sat across from me and kept looking over . By the time I had a plan to speak to her she had finished lol.
: playing is it brass or is it a bird is no fun on my own
: should I be worried that the local brass smile at me and seem to almost be friendly with me.
: hoping the brass don’t think on gay and on the game
: do I really look gay with short hair. The mullet is coming back