Negative Mind Talk. “Just shut up”

These are the words that ik telling myself more than a few days a week recently. Im telling the inner voice that likes to tell me how many mistakes ive made and constantly remjnd me of whar an asshole i am.

Some weeks its better than others. It may only raise it’s voice one ir two days a week. Other times its more a never ending stream, like a tap that just wont stop dripping no matter how hard you turn the tap.

A trip to Tesco means going past the gluten free aisle. That then remjnds me of Rachael, which reminds me of happy times which then brings me down and then the voice likes to tell me in detail how i fucked up and she was the one i wanted to marry.

Day after day. Week after week.

Ill write more about ny dating disasters soon enough.

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Negative Mind Talk. “Just shut up”

Cute “spoons” girl is back

2 years ago when I split with Emma I sought solace in my local Wetherspoon. There was this incredibly cute girl who would sometimes be on.

Now and again we would get to chatting. I’ll admit I did have a sad deluded dream about maybe something happening to her but for the most I knew it wouldn’t, girls like thar always have a boyfriend but it was just nice to hear her voice.

When I say cute, she has thar cute thing. Short, nice smile, did I mention the voice? See when you talk to girls like this who joke about the crap they watch on Netflix such as charmed and other girly films you’re always waiting for the “and the other half can’t stand it either” or the inevitable drop / hint they aren’t single. I don’t believe I ever got that but then again I’m dumb as well as ugly.

Anyways a couple of weeks later I could tell that something was up and I just asked is everything ok.

“I’m not ready to talk about it yet”

Right there and then I knew she was pregnant. Over the next few weeks she went from cute to damn beautiful. Don’t ask my why but some women with a baby bump make me go weak.

Her shifts changed. Saw her less and less and like most things. She simply disappeared and I’ll admit I forgot about her till today.

Saturday. Into spoons. Sit I a corner to watch the world and avoid trouble and there’s this cute girl with glasses who’s getting noticed by me.

It’s spoons girl.

Of course having a baby changes the body but honestly I can’t see it.

Just like my dating things are maybe already awkward. She recognised me, I say hello and since that very moment she’s not been in the same room as me.

You’re being paranoid I hear you say.

Nope. She’s doing tables and it’s gone from scouring every single table and bar Matt to nothing.

Am I that offensive? Wait I know the answer.

Cute “spoons” girl is back

The date update. Exceeded at failing

Not the best of starts.

There I am outside the cafe I thought we were meeting at… Wrong cafe.

I didnt know this till i went for a walk, get a message from her and shes at a pub across town.

Get there only a few minutes late.

Holy moly she’s cuter than her pic.

Oh shit 😦 (eyes roll up to the sky when she cant see me) she’s cuter than her pic.

I was leading the conversation but I could tell she wasnt at ease.  Eventually she told me she was nervous.

We chatted, had a soft drink and there were a few moment when she seemed to come out of her shell. Just a few but by this time I was sensing the inevitable.

After about 45 minutes I could see her absent mindely peeling skin away from her fingers (fidgeting).  Changed the tempo after an accidental joke about kids getting pregnant at a VW car festival.  Whatever small chance I did have went with that one comment.

After a hour we both said it’s time to go, a slow and stiled awkward back to the car park from her as if to say what do I do now

Final words.  I’ll be in touch.

I don’t think my I’m a secret millionaire line was believeable…

The date update. Exceeded at failing

I hate dating. But I have a date today.

Over the last few weeks I’ve been on a few dates and no matter what I do it’s always the same results.  It always goes like this

Attempt to talk to someone on line

Every now and again something happens and we end up chatting

Exchange a few nice messages on said dating app

Move to whats app messenger

Both sides seem to get excited about meeting up

Quick phone call

Meet up..

Ends

The ending is always the same.  Usually.  Youre really nice and funny.  You’re a nice guy but I dont see us going anywhere / not attracted to you.

Nice…. that’s a word that I’m starting to hate but I realise that it isnt just about that word but about the whole thing is about.  Sure this sounds like a grizzled fat lad whos a little bitter that once again yet another date works out.

But the kicker is all it makes me do is think of Lynette where getting on was easy (sort off), there was a click.  So recently being dumped by her due to a hard week  followed by

* taking time to work out what I want

* im holding you back from what you want

has really wound me up.

Stilll today is friday. Sunday I am off to cycle the Wales velo so what better time to get a kick to the balls with a quick afternoon lunch date.  Todays ball kicker is Bek ( I think), 35, mother of one and self employed.

With this one we’ve not done a phone call nor even swapped pics so that doesn’t bode well.  If we exchange maybe two texts a day then that’s a max but she does say in her profile she doesnt want anyone who will get “affended when I dont text back straight away”

How will I get blown out prediction.

With this one it’ll be a few hours after we met or

2 days with nothing. That will be blamed on a busy weekend etc etc etc.

Update you in a few hours.

I hate dating. But I have a date today.