What%20makes%20it%20worse..

What makes it worse..
I really don’t enjoy the fact I have to preface these sort of posts by explaining the fact I’m generally not better about what’s happened to me in the last few days.

In fact if anything I almost hopefully acknowledge my own shortcomings and feelings with all that’s gone on, but sometimes people just take the piss.

Not wanting to be a dick I’m giving even more benefit of the doubt I sent a friendly message to Stacey jokingly asking “oh my God, I really do hope I haven’t been ghosted LOL“.

Her reply was is that she’s had a banging headache all day and so she hasn’t been on her phone much. I admit I’ve been on plenty of fish because I had a small suspicion that this was going to happen and what really annoyed me is that I thought after all said and done she was a genuine person and I really do mean that. Looking back I realise just how you probably gullible I’ve been.

And yes I’m quite aware that I sound like some weird stalker type person checking up on a date but it genuinely wasn’t that. I’ve never done that before but I just had an instinctive feeling.

L after all said and done this is probably just the way of the world and I’m starting to realise just how ill-equipped I am to deal with this. It more than highlights my shortcomings and I have to do something about it

What%20makes%20it%20worse..

Ghosted

Ghosted (again)
I’ve always been very insecure about the way I look. I’ve no idea where it stems from but this is something I’ve dealt with for most of my life.
Today I went on a date with a girl called Stacey and we have been chatting quite intensely for the last couple of days this time I was sensible I sent recent up-to-date images was completely honest about myself and so we both agreed to “rip off the Band-Aid“ and just get the whole meeting thing over and done.

I can sum up how well it went by this. By the time I got home she was already back on plenty of fish and we haven’t spoken since. I have sent her a couple of messages which I know have been read and delivered.
This is the annoying thing that we both said we both hate being ghosted there’s just no need for it. Why can’t you just be honest with that person.
Personally I don’t think the dates went too badly although in hindsight she was quite cold. There were a few smiles now and again but I think she seemed overly nervous and uncomfortable.
As from myself I was just my normal chilled out self. Things like this don’t faze me because even though I’m trying not to be “the Conduitt guy“ I often get a sense of where things are going pretty dam quickly.
Because I don’t want to wind up a cynical old git I ignored a few signs. The therapy, the issues with her ex-husband, having just finally moved house and moving out from here abusive X and all of the things in between.
I wish I knew why I’m this naive why I always think it could work.
But it all comes back to one thing it doesn’t matter how clever, funny or how much effort you put in to trying to have some really good quality conversations.

It doesn’t matter that you try to be a better listener and really try and understand things from a different perspective.

It also doesn’t matter just how much you have in common with that person.

Have the same dreams, Ideals and values? Guess what that doesn’t matter either.

You might except all of their flaws that they’ve told you about and vice versa but like I’ve already said several times none of that matters.

None of that matters because whether or not people like to admit it in this generation of ours it all comes down to one thing how you look.

I’m sort of sick to death of seeing all of these profiles of somebody wanting someone who can have a good conversation, make me laugh because all of it is bullshit. It just simply comes down to our you attracted to that person in the flesh. There is none of this giving it a go and seeing what happens,nope it’s completely binary.

I’m trying not to sound bitter given the situation I’ve just been through but even I find it a bit of a hard pill to swallow that after not seeing her on plenty of fish in the few days we have been talking to see her straight back on their list in an hour after meeting and my subsequent being ghosted.

I’m not asking for 100% success rate but each time I end up going on one of these adventures on the inevitable happens I just start to feel more and more isolated and yes I’m not afraid to say it, lonely.

People have said to me well don’t get your hopes up and yet there is depressed and isolated as I feel I really feel like I have to keep a hold of that little bit of small hope. The problem is when you’ve only got that small crumb to hold onto it gets magnified and magnified more and more.

I have to keep telling myself to believe in my conduit theory. It’s a sort of faith that keeps me going knowing that after I’ve been on a date they find someone much better suited to them after me. I don’t want to be in that situation.

Yet… matter how hard I try, do different things, approach things from different angles the result is always the same.

When I got back home I spent most of the day sleeping and I think that’s the same strategy. Going to go to spoons, have some food and then get some sleep

Ghosted

It’s my birthday!

My phone goes do you fancy Tenby? I’m a play with no, let’s stay local because there is a new place I’ve been looking forward to checking out.

Spinback the last few days and it’s been in my head to head over to Tenby and do something a little bit different to what point why we both didn’t catch the obvious sign of going to Tenby we both have no idea.

Instead we went to a new local restaurant that looks okay but the warning signs were there from the start. It was packed, we ask if they have a table, the waitress says let me check and doesn’t come back for about 10 minutes. Meanwhile the second waitress then appears and asked us if we are waiting.

I so sarcastically wanted to reply no I just fancied standing here out of the cold with my friend.

Eventually we get a table and handed a drinks menu, things may be looking up and this may not be a disaster. It wasn’t too son20+ minutes later someone finally came to the table and asked if we are ready to order. Not just all the drinks order completely now bear in mind I had to going get the food menu myself.

Whilst we are sat waiting there patiently for our drinks to arrive a table of three arrive, they needed a chair so I offered at mine and sat next to my friends, and then somehow they manage to get their drinks before us.

I think we know about 30 minutes into this adventure and don’t have any drinks. Wanting to be a little different from my birthday evening I ordered a Mojito which then took another 15 minutes to arrive. It’s when the drinks arrived within FaceTime longest waiting spell of it all. It was going to be about another 35 minutes before our food was coming to the table

When my drink did arrive it was the piss poor excuse for Mojito. And obviously by time few had arrived he had long since gone yet new waitress I’m coming to the table to see we you wanted any more drinks.

Some 15 minutes after coming through the door I’ll food finally arrives. Okay so they might of been one chef dying but if that was the case why not just say no, we can’t accommodate or there might be an incredibly long wait.

Awaits which would’ve been way more bearable if someone had bothered to come and check to see if we wanted a drink.

Why not go up to the bar and ask? Good question for which I would’ve done if at any time there was someone behind the bar. It was either a complete cluster fuck behind the bar of all of the staff being there all at once or nobody there at times.

Then there was the food. And I appreciate that a good burger needs a little bit of time to rest before being served however mine was barely lukewarm and by this time might become so frustrated and overtired, over hungry and that when the waitress did come over to check is everything okay I simply just said “its okay”

If you’re going to be busy, give poor customer service, make it in agonising wait for over an hour to get some food, the very last thing anyone could do is just make sure that it’s warm.

My birthday morning wasn’t a complete disaster as a friend popped over to say hello and helped me move the sofa. Doesn’t sound very exciting does it but it does represent quite a monumental shift for me to be moving out from my old place into somewhere that is less damp.

Is the first time in three years I’ve never had any company in the morning. Just think about that I woke up for the last three years with no company, new girlfriend before signed me I’m pretty much no want to talk to you on my birthday.

Is the first time in three years I’ve never had any company in the morning. Just think about that I woke up for the last three years with no company, no girlfriend behind me and pretty much no one to talk to on my birthday.

Three years all I’ve had is a few statutory Facebook comments wishing me happy birthday which I suppose has to be better than nothing?

It’s my birthday!

A random date make a couple of predictions.

Stay tuned.

I’m going to make a couple of predictions. Number one probably not single for anything more than six months.

If we last post half a pint it’s going to be a miracle. I suspect she’s going to order a soft drink.

That I want even worse than I thought it could’ve ever gone. It turns out that she is way thinner than her website profile so I was quite surprised when she walked in and my jaw hit the floor.

I should pre-face this with the fact that just yesterday she was at a funeral with a friend of her dads so tonight was never going to be a possibility of anything happening.

And this is the thing that was a few moments we were making eye contact and I genuinely thought there might be a chance, that may be something between us but as always it all went wrong.

Things were going well until I jokingly said okay, ask me any three questions in the world and then she suddenly got on the defensive saying why do you have to force the conversation. I simply said that wasn’t my intention to put Mimi to keep the conversation going.

After a few minutes later it turns out that she’s never been asked to her opinion before and no one is asked to play with her.

Why do I always meet the women who have issues.

I hate being me, every single moment of existence is just a moment in pain and misery. No matter what I trying to do, no matter how I try and change, I always end up with the same result.

I have literally tried every single way possible not to be me, I’ve tried every single way possible to try and get a different outcome from any dates that I’ve been on. And yet no matter what I do it’s always the same thing. I’m nothing but a fucking conduit

I am the placeholder, I’m the first date after a bad relationship, I’m the first person they think “I will give this ago” before they realise they need something else.

I am the person who when women say “I’m not sure what I want” that is true but the one thing they know they don’t want is me in their life.

To Catherine phone tonight. She’s only been single for three months, well it’s a little bit longer than that but obviously is complicated and I’m the first fucking guy she decides to go out with. What a fucking chance do I have?

I’m fuming at myself because no one moment she had a genuine look in your eyes worry thought that maybe, just maybe I might stand a chance. As always I managed to fuck it up I know were walking on my way home again, alone!

To compound matters further I’ve deleted her completely from my phone. For which some reason she’s taken great offence to. I’m the one who’s been blown out and getting all her anger and yet because I delete her from my phone she’s a outraged .

A random date make a couple of predictions.

The neighbour is back, thank God.

I get a small lie in tomorrow and I can’t wait. Because I don’t have to walk the dogs in the morning. I see a small lying because I want to be in work by 8 am so I can legitimately get away a little bit earlier.

Any reason I’m doing this blog is because I’m going for a quick walk to close all of my exercise rings I’m not going to be pretty much the biggest but sadly only reason why I’m going to miss walking the dogs.

Also documented said many times before I don’t understand the logic between having a highly strong and active spaniel who longs to be outside all day running around alongside what I think is a normal spaniel who is downright lazy and literally just wants to go outside, have a wee, have a poo and eat some shit to start the whole process all over again.

I have no dates over the next couple of days I’m going to get told just to go to the holiday was and how nice it was and all of that stuff and I have a sneaky feeling his wife will be moved in sooner rather than later.

Right now fuck all of that. I’ve had a fairly decent day with no real grumbles to be honest.

The neighbour is back, thank God.

Waking up at 4 am

Third day on the trot now I’ve woken up at around about 4 am and then that’s it. I never seem to be able to get back to sleeping. I know I’m not sleeping because I know I’ve been dreaming and I can clearly remember dreaming but not the dream, apart from last night.

I think I’d lost a sock or something like that and I seem to remember searching a few places over and over not being able to rest till I found it. I’ve even tried telling myself that hello, this is my own mind, get a grip and take control. But that doesn’t seem to work.

When I wake up in the morning I’m feeling quite anxious knowing they haven’t had a proper nights sleep. As I’ve written a play before I do enjoy a good Paul now, especially after work. It’s nothing like I’ve literally 15 minutes of shuteye to help rebuild the brain I think transition from work to home.

As I’ve said many times before I do enjoy a 15 minute hard power nap. It’s like a way of separating the two parts of the day work and then home not to mention the scientifically proven benefits of doing so.

Other random site notes:

  • Nobody is sure when my neighbour is going to return. Meaning that yours truly is left with starting a new job and having to deal with his dogs.
  • I’ve also realised why I can’t relax without the neighbours. Everything is covered in dust and mock which means to chillout I have to go and get changed into scruffy close I don’t mind getting dirty.
  • And every morning no matter how late at night I take the dog for a walk one of them kindly leaves me a massive pile of shit to clear up in the morning.

Sigh

Waking up at 4 am