Arriving into work this morning after a nights sleep, well if you can call it that was interesting. The amount of times these last weeks where I have woken with the same singular thought of… what’s gone on now, followed by the now defacto churning of the stomach. Turning out to be quite a prophetic statement

Continue reading “Wtf”


4am, coldness, stats and rantings

Its 3.43 at the time of writing this and normally on a saturday this is the point where I would stuble in, roll over and fall asleep not wanting to hug her because… fuck… why … sheesh doesnt make sense.  Get into bed and hug the damn woman….

Continue reading “4am, coldness, stats and rantings”

4am, coldness, stats and rantings

A night out – Smiles – Dr Who.

Well tonight I seem to be going into town, really not in the mood after spending all day in bed pretty much.

Just watching Dr Who at the moent and there wa a moment where Rose smiles at the dotor and it was amazing, made me realise how much we should all strive to smile and make other people smile.

There are many things that can be faked, emotions covered up and lies told all to mask how we feel but a smile, the rights smile is always genuine and know this because it has an effect on you, makes you smile as well.

Perhaps that’s why I was always a sucker for a smile and for the most part, the females that Ive been out with have had that in common.

When you stop making the other person you with smile or you start thinking to yourself why haven’t I smiled then its time to stop, take a look around and just do something beautiful.

Some ideas
a kiss
a hug
make a cup of tea
go for a walk and come back with something, be it nice or tacky
rub her shoulders
Kiss her neck or his neck
tell them how much they mean to you
offer to do something for them, like watch their programs or movies

I know all this and can impart my advice on to other people because.. I know all this and I didnt do it.

Expectations for tonight,
well not really in the mood for drinking, ive not eaten but I must not get into a state and text Kari , no matter how much I really want to. If I do then it will just get laughed at or used against me (see other posts for updates)

Will be interesting to watch the masses congregate and get drunk, like always attracts like on nights out like these, the short skirts go for the army guys, the army guys go for anything because they can.  Tonight will feel like everyone else will be having fun.

Sometimes I wish she would read this to know what she meant to me, hindsight, however the sad truth is that the part of her that would read this , the kind kari I knew isnt there any more.

Kari at computer

A night out – Smiles – Dr Who.

And still more lies

Interesting, I now have to go to the police station for questions about the weekends incidents.  What a way to spend a thursday to say the least.  

Also interesting is that they both arent bringing assault charges against me.  He hasnt been questioned about any of the incidents either.

But the most interesting thing is, that the police HAVENT told Kari to have the dog destroyed.  The guy at the station who called me was quite interesting.

And still more lies


Forlorn \fur-LORN; for-\, adjective:
1. Sad and lonely because deserted, abandoned, or lost.
2. Bereft; forsaken.
3. Wretched or pitiful in appearance or condition.
4. Almost hopeless; desperate


I could still fix it

After all thats happened I could still fix it. Looking back is marvelous but I know that what wasn’t there was being asked for and I didn’t provide.

The pain of letting myself and kari down like that is just so overwhelming at the moment its truly eating away at the insides of me.

On sunday when she went to bed early with this man after having a bath with him. The number of times the offer was put my way, the early night, a touch of romance the sex and cuddling. Sinking into your own world happens so easily that its painful to say the least when you come out of the bubble.

There is a bright new world out there and a new path to travel.

My time now flits between manic depression similar to moons ago and then moving forward. Problem is with moving forward is that the future is uncertain, especially when you the heart is heavy and will is low.

I could still fix it