Reflectiveness.

After I came across this blog page   it just seems to sum up how I feel most days now. The first line of where it says ” my life is kind of passing me by right now ” just rings true in so many ways for me.  I spend a lot of time walking and wandering here and there with no great purpose, almost looking for something with a sense of despair that finding it wont happen.  At least not around here anyways, well.. That doesnt make sense because I paused when typing it so who knows what that is indicative off.

Work is managable at the moment, sitting in a corner in the part of the office which is my world, aka it looks a pit.  People around me are nice and understanding which is great as its whats needed, but like the post above states…

It’s hard to accept being alone right now.
Only less than a month a go, the world was mine.  Stunning girlfriend, a child, dog and a family that, despite me and my social awkwardness, accepted me and even called me Karis shining knight.  Now my dreams and plans of everything in life that was achievable and I had longed for has gone and its leaving me just more than a touch lost.  I can still remember getting in from work and seeing that smile that only she had in the kitchen just getting stuff ready for tea,   I like to think it was my smile, something only that was given to me in a world where it doesn’t have much specialness left to offer anyone.  I would like to think that. but I know I cant.  No one to go home to and have a nice evening together, all those memories replaced with pain on knowing what she was up to on that night, to the point where I cant eat chinese food.

Part of me wants to cry and let it all out but that part of me wont let it happen.  Ok so eyes might have watered a touch but no proper tears and believe me, big time, it has been close.  Alas I fear the one thing that I crave will provoke an emotional reaction.  

A few years ago , well over 5 now, after the big split up and wandering, much like I do now, Stuart, a good contracting mate and buddy, said he couldn’t hug me till i was ready. Yes sounding a touch brokeback mountain but sometimes that what everyone needs.  When I did get a hug from a lass a few years on, the mixture of pleasure and hurt was just simply .. to strange to explain.

It’s one thing to read that you’re not alone with your desires, that you’re not perverted but merely somewhat deviant from the norm, that there’s more people like you

Desire, what a strange thing but understandable, to have someone in the same room you desire, want and need to badly for them not to feel or want the same back and then to feel elsewhere for it, is almost as bad as being in the situation that is faced waking up each morning.  The adage is it better to have loved and lost rather than to never have loved at all takes on a new meaning.  Usually I would vehemently disagree because if you find love then loose it that is major pain-age but how does that compare to knowing it exists and never getting to experience it.

I never thought that another women existed who gave me that same inital feeling on a first meet as I did a lass from many years ago.  Being honest no one came close but then again that does happen with first loves.  

Remind me of a chat in the pub about love, His point was that you cant hold on to the past, my point was your first love is your first. You may fall in love again but its never.. quite the same.  Thinking on things now I cant recall the least time the words “I love you” were spoken to me.

To find someone to share things with, going out, life experiences, walks, general stuff that is ok on your own but “feels different” is hard enough.  To loose something precious after you discover it is even worse.  Re tracing the steps around where I live now feels like trapsing through a void

Time they say heals all wounds..  I want to know who “they” are.

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Reflectiveness.

One thought on “Reflectiveness.

  1. anh says:

    Good to know we’re not alone, in a sense…

    If you find out who “they” are, pass me their number, okay?
    I’d like to have a word with them 😉

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