One of the things that has been learnt, yet again the hard way, is to never write a letter and then send it straight away when emotions run high. There are so many things that run around in this box of mine that today has been hard mentally and once again taht sick feeling in my stomach rears its head again..
Was nice to be able to cassually chat last nite – hope you didnt mind!
I dnt mean to be a nag but I could really do with having my driving licence and paper work from Dawn returning – driving licence most importantly really as I need it for ID. And also mine and Troys next dentist apointment sheets were hanging on the welsh dresset – I need the date if you could please.
Also are my riding boots still at yours as I have arranged a few horses to ride again. Troys wet suit and life jacket (which was in the Van) my bike and Troys 2nd blue bike Id like to please. Plus anything else you may find. I can arrange to collect them if you let me know when ok Im sure I can get a van for the bikes.
In case you are interested Jasons wedding went really well, Troy looked stunning as a pageboy – even if he did get “stage fright” in the church. You were asked after a lot by my family as to firstly your absence and then as to your wellfare, in case that means anything to you.
Hope you are well
That there is the classic compliment sandwich as use and applied by me so many times. I know I will never get to send this following bit to her but if its out of my head then perhaps it might help me.
I really do hope that you are keeping well and that jack and troy are behaving as well 😉 I can only imagine that you have been busy but please spare a few moments for this mail. At this point you probably look and sigh or have a sly smile on your face as a one upman ship but do with this whatever, all I ask is that please dont show sam or anyone else from the times you are having now. No.. not a dig ok but , even if you feel its not deserved, just have some respect for me.
Sorry doesnt do justice to how things ended between us on that night I lost you on the 13th. Since that day I have missed you and wanted you so badly, even when I found out the first time you had slept with Sam, lied to me , just like the ebay incident when you swore you wouldnt fall into that again. I know what you slept with him because of “mutual attraction” and he was the one that got away as you ended up with Rob and not him from years ago.
Your family tells me about your need to be the centre of attraction and I guess that was where I failed and how you ended up looking for something with Sam those few times. One day perhaps you can admit you were shagging him and let me know what he provided you that I couldnt after being together for 2 and a bit years, through thick and thin.
You moved on soo quickly but that doesnt really surprise me what so ever. I never felt like you were mine and truely mine. The glimpses of that Kari smile that you had for me and me only were few and far between, like you said they were too hard, just like when we made love. On the friday when we did “it” there was a connection between us like nothing else. Well so I thought but I heard enough on that sunday to know different.
Out of all that happened, how quickly I was replaced.. That Sunday when you were wined, dined, took a bath together hurts me down to the core. Thats what you wanted from me and in my world that wasnt provided for you. Deny it all you want, well in fact you haven’t confirmed or denied anything but we both know at heart what was behind it. For the most please believe me that I didn’t want troy to wake up seeing him as we both know.. he was there for the night.
Had I been really sure that on the saturday when you came over to get stuff that was it, things would hav ebeen different. I gave you space and time, if you love someone set them free as if they are yours they will come back. You wanted space and for me not to push and you don’t seem to realise how hard that was. On that night I had plans for us all. The house, being able to look at us and our relationship after such a shock gave me clarity on how to win you back. Too late tho wasnt it.
As I write this I long for a reply where you can be honest and candid like I know you can be about sex but not about sex. If there was a reply I know you would be on the attack and throw things back at me immediately instead of just talking things through. Alas I know there will be no reply coming, nothing on your part to take responsibility’s on whats happened. Even though you did say you got lazy and I believe went back into a world of exes and fuck buddies long before the 13th. On that area of things, ok I admit I was flattered about the idea of you letting me have a buddy. that was the male side of things Kari but the real me didn’t want that, it wanted my Kari. Hindsight is a wonderfull thing and that was your way of carrying on with Sam and whoever as that justified an ends to a means. We spoke about this and you were going to help me but there was no time because you were out for what you got. One week after 2 and a half years you were another mans woman.
Yes I have laid myself out on the line here, as always and if the past is anything to go by, you will be laughing this up with your friends, saying I am sucking up and like you said to people you want to make me suffer and such. You told lynsey before me that you didnt want me. Had you said that things would of been easier. Anyways here goes (deep breath). Kari… I love you (not loved like in your emails to steve) and nothing I can do or say now can take away from my irresponasablity on that night. Should of walked away to take a breather. Everyday I wake with a nightmare of hearing you and sam together, everynight I fall asleep knowing you are up to stuf in your old world. Each time you get in touch I feel sick to the core because its done because you want something. I still see that smile that was mine, no one elses, the girlie Kari who didnt want to fight for fightings sake but was my girlfriend. I still see you on that beach and that time we had tat chat. Yes I called you a slag on that night I found you with sam. Well seriously what did you expect at such a time of high emotion. You didnt even get fully dressed when you came out that night and that image haunts me.
You cant say we were bad for each other as look at how far we had travelled together and what we did had got over, achieved you and me. Dog, kid and getting a house for us both to find stability in both our worlds. Somewhat gutted that I paid for your gas and electricity for you to get your house back and then for you to enjoy with another. Its always easy to see the past with rose tinted glasses but for the most we had good times. At this point I imagine you will concentrate on the bad and look for reasons to go on the defensive with offence. There is no need kari. You were always fighting me and the good news is you have won.
Being able to move on so quik and with the line of “loved mark” says it all and confirmed my fears the most that you were never into me. No this is not self deprecating shit just an honest from the heart with no other meaning to it email.
I have to stop writing now because I feel ill again but I want you to know one thing Kari…
That night when we first met on your doorstep, late in the night. I had only had that feeling in my stomach for one other person in my life.
Love to you , Troy and jack always
With all my hear