Not well

THe pain that i have been having just above my stomach but below my peck has gotten reaelly bad now so its a trip to the docs but just seem to have this feeling that im going to end up on frigging hospital, I hope that they finally have wifi else its going to be boredom personified.

Kari and I are speaking a little and aparntly she was thinking about me at the wedding, again see the post of I want to believe.  Anything to make this pain stop. I can feel it in me when she will do or say something.  Her facebook pics do indeed include sam as well, so that means son is about there as well and well..  Actually now I think on it there is no son in her recent days out pics so wonder what the deal is there

Its odd I can actually sense when she will text or getin touch and iswear this morning that i was there, nothing thinking about nething till she popped into my head and blam there was a text message.  Yes its all sounding a bit crackpot but I kid you not, its not normal to say the least

My pain is about halfway up my torso on th right hand side and it feels like its popping somewhat.  If I dont move much then I am ok but this is only going to be a bad thing, surprise surprise.

Fuck it why wont anything just work out for me, things arent fair now, I want to shout and scream and just let it all out but I know I cant because its all deserved, cause and effect and such.

In the darkest moment walking home and hearing a car drive up behind me there have been moments of temptation just to stop the pain dead, end it all and walk on to another world so to speak.

everything tells me taht I am being used to make her feel better but there is a big part of me that wants to cling on , to see and to hold just one last time, however I know better and thats what really hurts.  There is no love from her to me its all the other way about.  A while ago whenaout and about walking my thoughts were focused on not wanting to live life like this anymore to not live like i was anymore.

Becareful for what you wish for because you might be alive in body but I know that deep down my soul is completly and utterly dead.

Not well

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