Blog posts have been a bit far and few between recently due to a number of things going wrong in my life (again) namely my cat being run over. Went out for a walk one night and then come back to find that her back legs were all but inoperable. Shit that reminds me that I have to give her some pills in a min. She is sat on the bed a bit dazed so its time to traumatise her with trying to make her eat.
Well its all over now on the kari side of things the night that she was run over her responsees were clear that she was with someone else to be honet andI knew and it took something for me to turn to her. Her new fella Niel is also beeded in well now as well it seems, stoppping over.
Even tho she says that “going back to how I was” that just seems like complete bollocks. The rules of a fuck buddy are that they are just that, when the line is crosssed, nights start being spent with each other hten its something more than that. When i asked her does he hug you at night she said no quite forthrightly. Yet more bollocks
Spent the whole weekend on what can only be classed as on the verge of a anxiesty attack for no good reason Normaly I would be worried but this wasnt my pain to bear. Odd as it seems I know when my pain comes to find me and that hell is about to be visitied. Since that pone call a strane link between us has gone. Just like that. To say its odd that the link which was so strong that used to be there and just.. nothing. gone. Almost as hard as it arrived is difficult to put into words. A mixture of relief and bewilderment.
My speration has finished now. Removing her from facebook as seeing her with others just killed me and physcially caused a deep rooted pain every time I saw her. The heart wants what it wants. Must look up that film with the line “Died of a broken heart” Although physically I am alive, I walk, breathe and exist, the times in a relationship when I wanted to die because of failure, my wish was granted although not my physical form died.. Me as a person.
Gribzy who has known of me for years even knows this, thats what friends are for.
Sat night. supposed to be meeting up with friends and oddly enogh no one was out again. This left me going to the club with a few people that i know off but no means classed as friends, more “people I have come to know along the way” A good night and I managed to by a girl who I have thought was gogeous sine the day I laid eyes on her years ago a drink. Just standing at the bar, she is next to me and I turn to her and say hi, a bit of small talk, and then drop in with the line that i have no motive or wanting, no plan to try and pull just want to buy her a drink for the hell of it. “Aww thats really sweet” (as we all knows that the worst in blow out lines ever)
got her a drink an then oddly ebough later that night she got me one as well. It was vodka which I hate so I save it for a bit and then as the bar closes I find her and hand her a new drink nder the pretense that I got one n before said bar closed fo her whilst I was up there.
It made her smile and seemed genuinely happy about it. My good deed done without wanting anything but to see a smile. She has one of those face that when she smiles its a massive face smile. Always a sucker for that. Shame its unlikely I iwll see her again for ages
Sunday. Didnt want to getup. The sun was shining. Lovely heatwae and the small village was a bustle. That didnt matter to me, my place was in bed with no motivtion to want to get up whatsoever. My mind was rooted, looking for a reason to move. No this wasnt down to too much to drink. There seemed no point. Wanted the day to end so did manage to up roots and go for a walk. Waited fr top gear and then out for another walk to keep the mind from dwelling, afte all, 1 week since we chated on top gear night and 5 weeks since she left.
Fed up of hurting a bit now and having to force feed stuff to my cat. fed up of failing and that constant pain the the top of my chest. its like feeling breathless all the time.