3rd week in a row that friday beer has been called off for one reason or another. Fair enough that everyoen has their own life style and own things to do now. Even Kari appreciated and loved the hour or 2 we all spent together on a friday and even when she wasnt with me would take that away from me. Shame no one else shares that senseability. Friday night was the same old same old, get home, sleep, did I eat, really cant remember, then off for a walk down the local and just sit at the bar.
However I did see the lasses that I went rowing with 2 week ago ( forgot to blog about that as they did offer for me to go for after fowind drinks with them but i declined) Maybe they were pissed, one is definataly a lesbo, the other isnt but loosing some hope in men and made the smallest of chats possible about of embaressement of me recognising them. Same old same old.
Sam and steve had a in house party at their house. Everyone was there tonight, i say everyone but me. Sorry as much as I wanted to go you dont walk into a lions den when you know its a sympathy invite. It would of been no better than a thursday night in the local. At least if I am in a pub i can remain annonymou to an extent. Its odd knowing your work colleagues (notice I dont call them mates) being in the same sociable atmosphere as you and you dont even get a hello. I get a cursory glance and thats it. The people that came down here with my ideals and views are now the people who ignore me.
I cant blame people tho. I just wish I had done the same, realising that friends were nothing and concentrated on kari a touch more than what I had done. Fuck…. I hate the word if with such a passion.. If this … if that. All I know is that its sunday night now , im blogging and ive not spoken to anyone since friday….
Most memorable moment is when Im in the pub and the ex landlord owner sits down next to me and looks me in the eye and says
“mark…..you look like a beaten man. Ive seen you at the the top of your game and now look at you, the way you sit just shows how beaten you are”
Cant argue with that… I appreciate the honesty
Yep im blogging again.. some stats
Ive not made it into my bed into over a week
Its 1.45 am
its been over 34 hours since I had a coversation with a human
decided to leave specialtech
suicide has been narrowed down to 3 options