Paralism

Cant move today.  I write this on sunday where responsabilty for jobs entrusted to myself take over from my mind and make me move.

I lie on the sofa, never make it to bed these days, cant and wont, its too much, so each day grabs me by the scruff. The shoulders dont want to work, neck is always twisted and cricked, all being matched by the dampness of where I live to further compound the situation.

I want to move, to get up but thats only what the mind is thinking, there is a seperation between the mental training of yelling at myself, talking myself through situation and steps, and the minds will.  In the day of saturday there is no motivation, there is the thought of what KF is up to which as we all know is a lot and I have no hard feelings, as I do to most people. To pick up your life and move on without a care is a talent.  This also now, whilst writing, makes me realise my worst fear.  People dont care anymore in relationships because the attractive ones dont have to, they can move on to the next thing whenever they want.

Smug wakes me from a hungover state at 9am to get fed.  Fair dues, shes fed, cuddled and then buggers off for a bit.  Tv is flicked on and mindless channel surfing begins for a bit and its the mediocrity of tv shopping to the rescue.

11am , back to sleep.  Really cant think of a reason to get up. Cats fed and watered, no movement means that im not even remotely hungry.  The sun is shining for the 4th day in a row and I would imagine that its lovely outside.  Sleep, with that in mind, eyelids close and time passes me by

4pm.  Awake. walk to shop, get bare essentials in, home sleep

7pm. Awake again. God feel like shit, so clammy, death warmed up.  Last time I was depressed I didnt bath for over 2 weeks. The unmistakable smell of old skin and death in the air starts to rear up again.  Good time for a shower, cant have too long a shower tho, fukker costs me about 10p a minute about now.  Roll on economy seven…

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Paralism

The therapy continues

According to the therapist that I only have 3 more weeks with, surpringly I am clinically depressed. Wow like I didnt diagnose that for myself.  My score was a lovely 16 out of 50 putting me in the special bracket.  Do I really need to know that work is escapism??

The question that was asked of me was “what do you want to get out of this”.  This was a hard one to answer and really should I been answering it. Wasnt it her job to diagnose the best thing for me and lead me into an answer. 

According to her im articulate and very gestular, meaning that I wave my hands about a lot.  Also noted was the descriptive detail in which I describe my situation.  As a psycologist perhaps that positive, or more likely, the fact that I never get to speak to anyone these days leads me to be able to think so much upon how I feel and dwell on feelings that its no wonder that being descriptive is so easy. In other words, no shit sherlock.

45 mins x 6 is what is given to turn thing around, put a positive out look at thing and retrain my brain in the ways of CBT.  Lol she was a touch shocked when I said I knew about this already, perhaps reading all that “shit” online was a good thing after all.

The question remains however, what do I want to get out of all this.  At the moment I am clueless

As I am writing this in a past tense with it being sunday, the answer didnt arrive with me till saturday night whilst in the midsts of it all

The therapy continues

A state of mind

Pre sat night going out update.
Tonight is the end of season party at a pub called the Farmers.  No idea what this means and the only reason that Im going is because i invited myself in such a way. Well if people are going to talk about things like that and then try to back track when I hear about it.. Tough.

So I try to get a mindset of just going out, having a few drinks and sitting down in a corner with people I know and just people watching.  Then again isnt there the state of mind to . Yeeaaahh party, visualise getting laid or whatever.  Does that sort of state of mind work?  Its happened enough to me inthe past to be carefull what you wish for as knowing me itlll only come out bad.

Prediction for the night
80% chance of sitting there bored, bumping into the ex ex who will then either go down the ignore me route or the route of massive shows of affection for her fella (who cares).  SW will bump into some st davids mates, do shots, get paranoid at SP turn into a headcase and then it being award for a while.  On the side of this GD and his misses will be out so it its 2 couples ill make my excuses and limp back so solva

20% chance of not just ending up in the one pub like always and going out and about to see some different things

100% chance my hair will look crap like normal

<2% chance i run into that lass who gave me her number from the other weekend and thinking of it bumping into NO who is also out with her new fella. Its been a record year for couples getting together..

I have a new twitter page that I will try to update as the night goes along, always funny to see drunk ramblings http://twitter.com/mwnn

Oh for anyone whos made comments on the blog, i will reply shortly. Some people have had kind words to say!

A state of mind

Uniqueness

Once again a thursday night turns into a time where it all goes to shit.  Every thursday critisicm seems to be levels at me from all sides and once again Im on the back foot, perhaps because I dont care any more.  To see people back away from opinions and such but it does feel ike each and every time its time to take me down, but how do you take down a man who has nothing….

 

Continue reading “Uniqueness”

Uniqueness

Bemused – Weekend update

So tired tonight, not really done much today , even work wise but the good thing is that i did manage to sell some stuff on ebay this week so that should help with the food and heating situation.

With the weather being so damp I just had to light the fire tonight to get the wet otu of places in the room.  Its hard to wake up in the morning and have that ikky feeling in your mouth from where you know its damp and the mould thats eminating all over te plce.  I know im scruffy but never t a point where mould grows on mould.

Yes its a rambling one tonight as I realise its not long now before i have my first session with the “fire line response team” aka people who help with therapy.  Ggetting up i the morning is hard work even more so  as I seem to like torturing myself it seems not even on a conscious level.  Its not easy to admit to needing help but after another saturday day spent in bed and not rising till 6pm its obvious that my mind isnt functioning right.  There was a point where it felt like my legs were detached from my body.  The will to move just want there and thats when the realization hit me, tears were streaming and this to me was normal.  Perhaps it is after all with all the differing things in the world whats normal to some what might not be normal to others.

To be honest the only reason Im going to this session now is because I was booked in for it and cant really say no.  There is no real will for me to keep going on.  After another saturday night of exclusion enough is enough.

This time people were all there and allw ere in the same mindset, the same grouping.  Remember that like attracts like.  Imagin a bar with a corner and 4 people there.  Did anyone make space for me to join in.. no.  Then converstaiton turned about why SP is never out with SW and the mode went a bit somber.  Guess some people odnt like to hear that

Reminds me that my comments about his being an arrogant fucker has struck a cord.  Hasn’t made a difference as sunday walking to my local SP and his misses were out with BD and LD both of which I get on with and dont seem to have anything against me especially BD who is ace.  The man is a legend.   SW barely said anything, they both suit each other being honest.  The snobbyness of one compliments the arrogance of the other.  Hell I was there once with KF.  Its all about the supporting mechanism behind us all and very interesting to see how women press all the buttons.  No room to comment here as it happened o be but there was a differnce I never sacraficed my friends.  There were times of invites out but those saturdays on teh sofa with her head nestling in “her spot” that she loved (yeah ok im deluding myself now) put the world right.  At time I can still feel it seeing it on t brings it all flooding back… I difgress…

On a final note tonight
Freezer is buggered – Most if not all food lost
Mac laptop battery wont charge, no fix unless I goto an Apple store
Employee might be leaving work
Project Get rich quick.. fail….
stood on htc phone and broke screen

its only monday

Bemused – Weekend update

Why good doesnt exist.

Since being back form the village there has been a lot to think about , a lot to contend with in the mind of chappell.

sunday nights venture down to the local saw friends.. no.. colleagues.. no.  Poeple that I once regarded on a night out.  And like last night there is another moment when you realise just whts going on, when you see the thoughts of people who look down and upon you.  Now more than ever i have this belife that my time is done in perhaps more ways than one.  Yes london gave me the bright lights big city, but also a sense of life.  The same feeling thats gotten no matter where I have travelled to.

More importantly, once again, id rather be anonymous in a wide world where no one knows my name rather than the blatency of when people do know you.  Tonight there was at least, the very least some acknowlegement till the end of the night

6 people and one car was never going to work , thats not an issue i wasnt invited out so a lift back was never on the cards, but please., a somewhat lesser blunt response from SP would of been nice.  The mood changed after

“is mc getting a lift back with us”
“no” in a very abrupt time. 

Misread or mis interpreted .. no.  Its one of those reactions where you just know its put poeple a touch on edge and made a situation somewhat difficult.  Part of me hopes that at least, the very least BD saw it and might comment on it so the burden of misinterpretation isnt upon me

in the 20 seconds from pc to microwave to take out beer. So many thoughts enter my head but the one thing that sticks out.  All this has happened since the fal out with KF. Was i stronger, did she control SW behind the scenes like women do, is all this deserving. No matter what  if, then or buts the innailiable (sp) fact remains that since KF and I split.. no one has wanted to know.. ME.

In london SP conifded in me that everyone has stepped back and wantingly let me self desctruct… why

Why good doesnt exist.

London, Warcrafting, Alcoholism, Mental Health, californication season 2

London
So this time tomorrow I’ll be in the durky depths of London. Setting off at 6am in the morning, 6 hours on the train, then across london into a meeting to get a website shopping system running that taken me over the best part of a year to see.  Link is the example.

There are several reasons that I don’t like London to say the least. The mass populace of attitude walking all over the place, its self protruding intimidation of being “London” and being full of Londoners.  To say that I cant abide the place is an understatement.  But needs are what needs must however the meeting will be interesting.  Obstanance v beligerance will be the order of the day, however this does give me the oppertunity to slide into the background, not be listened to and have the standard “well I did say moment”  At least I have my say and dont hide behind arrogance of hindsight as seems to be the order of things at the moment.

That does make my stomach crawl, how have we reached a stage where people speak up after and not before. Yes this harks back to my previous life.  Never has the claim been made that I know better and just how many times does my opinion said bring up all manner of other hassles.  Should I change the ways of a life time, accept the mould of social heirs and graces, hide the opinions away, till the time comes to say “well I always thought that”  Speak up or stay quiet?

Alcoholism

For the first time in 8 weeks, I have arisen from slumber without a hangover to resmbl days of old when sessions on cider were common.  The stale stnch of beer lingering in the air and that scrummy feeling that invades every part of  your mouth.  I hate it, being sober that is.  To fuly understand thing something you have to experience and, being where I have been and going towards, alcholism makes sense when mindsets seek a way out. Yesterday was spent with the jitters all over the place, unable to focus and bouncing all over the place.  Today is a touch more sedate as after doing my washing at 1am, then the washing up, cleaning, sorting ot cat and warcrafting, I really am tired today.

Mental Health
Good news is that I finally have help with my state of mind and going to see the “Mental health First response team”  Jesus what is this now, an interview before the men in the white coats finally get to take me somewhere.

Breaking it down
No my mum doesnt love me
Yes i aspire to acheive in the eyes of my dad
Yes I am alone and seek perhaps someone to show what love potentially is
Money is important, it doesnt bring happines but brings a better standard of misery
and no, I think im worth less than tuppence in the world

Psychology 101 there in a nutshell.  Why does a situation like this come about, at 31 surely there should be enough in my life to support me, people to fall back on, to get that pick me up, pat on the back something.  Not me, oh no all paths I walk alone now it seems.

Warcrafting
In in doubt, geekness can be your saviour.  My rouge character (horde btw on Agramar server) is now nicely sitting at a lvl 24 and would of been 25 if not for server downtime, which in all honestly might of been a good thing as the night was turning into day quickly enough as it was last night

Finally
californication season 2
I love you too hunny, ill let you choke my whilst you fuck me…

London, Warcrafting, Alcoholism, Mental Health, californication season 2