So tired tonight, not really done much today , even work wise but the good thing is that i did manage to sell some stuff on ebay this week so that should help with the food and heating situation.
With the weather being so damp I just had to light the fire tonight to get the wet otu of places in the room. Its hard to wake up in the morning and have that ikky feeling in your mouth from where you know its damp and the mould thats eminating all over te plce. I know im scruffy but never t a point where mould grows on mould.
Yes its a rambling one tonight as I realise its not long now before i have my first session with the “fire line response team” aka people who help with therapy. Ggetting up i the morning is hard work even more so as I seem to like torturing myself it seems not even on a conscious level. Its not easy to admit to needing help but after another saturday day spent in bed and not rising till 6pm its obvious that my mind isnt functioning right. There was a point where it felt like my legs were detached from my body. The will to move just want there and thats when the realization hit me, tears were streaming and this to me was normal. Perhaps it is after all with all the differing things in the world whats normal to some what might not be normal to others.
To be honest the only reason Im going to this session now is because I was booked in for it and cant really say no. There is no real will for me to keep going on. After another saturday night of exclusion enough is enough.
This time people were all there and allw ere in the same mindset, the same grouping. Remember that like attracts like. Imagin a bar with a corner and 4 people there. Did anyone make space for me to join in.. no. Then converstaiton turned about why SP is never out with SW and the mode went a bit somber. Guess some people odnt like to hear that
Reminds me that my comments about his being an arrogant fucker has struck a cord. Hasn’t made a difference as sunday walking to my local SP and his misses were out with BD and LD both of which I get on with and dont seem to have anything against me especially BD who is ace. The man is a legend. SW barely said anything, they both suit each other being honest. The snobbyness of one compliments the arrogance of the other. Hell I was there once with KF. Its all about the supporting mechanism behind us all and very interesting to see how women press all the buttons. No room to comment here as it happened o be but there was a differnce I never sacraficed my friends. There were times of invites out but those saturdays on teh sofa with her head nestling in “her spot” that she loved (yeah ok im deluding myself now) put the world right. At time I can still feel it seeing it on t brings it all flooding back… I difgress…
On a final note tonight
Freezer is buggered – Most if not all food lost
Mac laptop battery wont charge, no fix unless I goto an Apple store
Employee might be leaving work
Project Get rich quick.. fail….
stood on htc phone and broke screen
its only monday