Once again a thursday night turns into a time where it all goes to shit. Every thursday critisicm seems to be levels at me from all sides and once again Im on the back foot, perhaps because I dont care any more. To see people back away from opinions and such but it does feel ike each and every time its time to take me down, but how do you take down a man who has nothing….
The only time that PS has spoken to me in the last few months has been out of boredom, yet most nights when KF was online it was a sure fire certaintity that conversation would flow with the upmost ease. Is this it, is that what my life was that i was a hanger on to KF, she was the one who had the life in our relationship that i clung to, living off her affection.
Each and every time I see a woman whos local even when im not interestd and believe me i am off women for a extremely long time, no gayness insinutated here but no. Just cant, there is a warning, dont go there, back off, she would eat you alive. Where is the fucking encouragement to go forth, that installment of faith, the things that, well, friends are supposed to do
I had my first meeting with a level 1 shrink who was even surprised with the level of exclusion thats happened. Her methodology of working things out to see if i was just being paranoid was bitch slapped into place with cold hard logic and there was a moment of complete surprise that someone, dressed in fine clothes, 2 rings on her wedding finger, wearing a thong, nicely done hair, living in the world where all posh therapists do, live, came true. Body language 101 which she used on me and I on her came into play and perhaps I misread but there was a moment of me being no ordinary nut case….
Here and now I can tell anyone who reads the personal blog over the elonex blog, that I know how to end things. its just waiting for the right time, to turn off that part of the brain that keeps us all going , survival instinct.
So the more intelectual of you will be thinking that going for help screams a need for a desire to get better. I turned up the other day out of obligation rather than anything else. A high thats being experienced right now is only temporary. Other peoples way is through the physical, mine is the mental.
After the split from KF I set a limit of 6 months. This is the third one.