Cant move today.  I write this on sunday where responsabilty for jobs entrusted to myself take over from my mind and make me move.

I lie on the sofa, never make it to bed these days, cant and wont, its too much, so each day grabs me by the scruff. The shoulders dont want to work, neck is always twisted and cricked, all being matched by the dampness of where I live to further compound the situation.

I want to move, to get up but thats only what the mind is thinking, there is a seperation between the mental training of yelling at myself, talking myself through situation and steps, and the minds will.  In the day of saturday there is no motivation, there is the thought of what KF is up to which as we all know is a lot and I have no hard feelings, as I do to most people. To pick up your life and move on without a care is a talent.  This also now, whilst writing, makes me realise my worst fear.  People dont care anymore in relationships because the attractive ones dont have to, they can move on to the next thing whenever they want.

Smug wakes me from a hungover state at 9am to get fed.  Fair dues, shes fed, cuddled and then buggers off for a bit.  Tv is flicked on and mindless channel surfing begins for a bit and its the mediocrity of tv shopping to the rescue.

11am , back to sleep.  Really cant think of a reason to get up. Cats fed and watered, no movement means that im not even remotely hungry.  The sun is shining for the 4th day in a row and I would imagine that its lovely outside.  Sleep, with that in mind, eyelids close and time passes me by

4pm.  Awake. walk to shop, get bare essentials in, home sleep

7pm. Awake again. God feel like shit, so clammy, death warmed up.  Last time I was depressed I didnt bath for over 2 weeks. The unmistakable smell of old skin and death in the air starts to rear up again.  Good time for a shower, cant have too long a shower tho, fukker costs me about 10p a minute about now.  Roll on economy seven…


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