Small update

Its been an odd night.  Someone I know likes a lass and she likes him but crippling shyness prevents anything from moving on and no matter how I try to help, ok thats the first mistake that I know I am doing, ntihing seems to work.

Yet a squaddie tonight and those who read this know of my passionate hatred for the standard squaddie said exactly what I had been saying but this guy believed him.  Its always been the fucking same, always no one eve r takes in what I say yet if i get someone tosay my words then its a whole different scenario.  Ultimately frustration to say the least.  Time and time again and its not like there hasnt been other methods tested.  Somethings are just always that way.

 

Other week news is that most nights are spent fekking freezing to say the least.  Remembering hat I ahve no central heating and abusted log fire that at least warms the water up on the pans.  Smug cat is also freezing cold which isnt good.  Normal scenario is not to get back from work, wrap a duvet up around us to keep warm befor having to get up , light the fire, waint in vien in the hope that things will warm up, sit on sofa watching my breathe in the air, get fed up and end up down the pub where at least its warm.  Its going to be a long winter but then again that was obvious, ame all the worst by coming home to an empty cold home… no sorry house.

 

I know more than ever I deserve to be alone and shal be alone.  Writing that and knowing things doesnt make things any easier in the slightest. God I cant even go food shopping now the car is on the road without a panic attack when the shop is either empty or has people in there.  Yet on the fridge is a shining reminder of who I used to be, strove and worked hard to be.  A picture of me kickboxing from a few years ago.

You live and learn and lifes lesson has been to me, be who I am , not who I thought she wanted me to be because iltimately she saw through it all, waiting and longed for me to be Mark, not the chappell, not what I thought she wanted, not an image that I Thought existed but didnt.  The one time in a relationship I try not to be me and thats a fail, be me and thats a fail.

As I sit here at 1.43 am, the last embers of the fire slowing passing into the cold, the chill of the house I realise that im perhaps amons the fortunate in some respects that I know my destiny no matter how it might sucks

Small update

Chinese Democracy Part 2

Yes I have it recorded 😉 Good job
First thoughts

Opens up sounding like the darkness,
Drives into an ACDC style of playing
settles down
then some arbitary “slash stuff” in the background as if to say screw you slash, we have our own copycat.  Although the guitaring is unmistakably slashing wish now he was still in the band.
Very over produced at times, trying to get all Guns and Roses aspects into one song

15 year wait for it..Hmm not sure.  Could barely hear the lyrics as the music was over the top of it all.  Might even post a download somewhere 😀

Chinese Democracy Part 2

Weekend update

Quick one this
Decided to do some painting, see if a few changes in the house.
Bob called me and we went to town, took 20 mins to get paint and some other bits.

Hit the supermarket and boom.. black clouds descend as is KF’s brothers car and start crapping myself.  Fortunately they went into town whilst I did shopping, well I say shopping, cash point said no so whatever I could get for a fiver came into play.  You can live on less than a pound a day for food.

Home and started painting, took a few hours and two coats later, several cups of tea and bicuits, there is now color in the front room.  Not bad and nailed a pizza earlier on, there is a world of difference between a quid and a two quid pizza to say the least!

As part of @getting better@ and doing things just because, its time for a shower. Routines are supposed to help and whilst I agree with that life just feels like getting through and getting by.  Still, shower, fresh clothes and tonight I will do something different, shock horror, goto a different pub.  Also there is a chart that measures moods and rating, at the moment its a dizzying …. 3

**back home update**
Well …. interesting
Ended up going to the rugby club.  Basic events are…
Getting abuse and being called a c**t and some general crap, even tho I hadnt done anything wrong what so ever, seriously i couldnt have minded my own any more if I had tried.

being told im an embaressement.
made all the more worse by a girl that I have had a soft spot for ages..  She just ticks all the boxes for me.  Ok she was hammered and seemed to be really upset and with no other motive in mind and being the soft twat that I am , just wanted to see if she was ok.  And I quote @just fuck off will you, look at your self your embaressing me@  Pissed yes but that didnt stop other attempts to make sure she was ok.  Irony is that women who gave abuse to me earlier on was her mate and it was her that I was asking to see if her mate was ok.

Coupling off
Ahh yes, one of those dreaded nights in single town where you know what happens.  Its a group of people and its that time wher things click with them and tahts the night they all end up in a couples situation.  Not bitter and somewhat heart warming, thus reminding me of a better time.  A much better time.  Some responsabilty lies with me as the games that the 2 were playing of this shy coy stuf, talking to her i asked is she liked him, the smile gave it away, so im my o so not subtle style, laid it out on the line for her, 1min later she walks up to him and puts her arm around her.  Nice.

No chance, out of your league etc.
One lass that I think was looking generally at me, who the hell knows I ask someone I know and get told to forget it.  Good reason she was younger than I imagined and then to ask about the drunk lass who I liked and to get told that there is no chance in hell for me.  makes me realise

Why did I have to fuck up with KF. Fuck fuck and FUCK.

Weekend update

Breaking down

Sigh, what a night last night was.  Mondays arent that good at the best of times but last night was a complete crash and burn.  Got home, smug was in the window, meowing, saw me and then put her paw through the window to shake hands almost. So incredibly cute, get in, feed and cuddle hereand bang, needed to sleep.

Wake up at 8, watch gadget show, kitchen nightmares some crap after that which then sparked something off.  Here I am , 31, sat in the front room with no heating, little food, wearing a hoodie to keep me vaguely warm, alone in the dark.  At that point tears were rolling down my face and for once, unable to pull them back in and keep things inside.

In the minds eye I should get up , move about, get the endorphines going, create happy celluar reactions, the logic side of the mind knows this to be true that it is the best thing to do.  The body however just doesnt respond.  Its like a missing link from thoughts, sense and logic into doing.  The weekends are spent lying on my sofa thats now my full time bed.  Not to disrespect any disabled people but it does feel the closest I might ever get to being paralised.  When sat down its a monumental effort to haul ass to get back up and do anything.

There are the better days, which is classed as being not so bad.  Washing does tend to get done etc and the main thing is that smug gets fed which is always important.

I am supposed to be doing small things
Cycle to work everyday – Done

Stop thought distortions

Go for a walk at weekends  – its pissing down all the time

Ask someone for a drink that i might know or not = EPIC fail (see saturdays blog)

Find a local activity = This is solva, there is nothing for kids here, especially if you dont have a car to do anything. On that one shes asked me if I would do voluntary work.  Whats this im supposed to feel better helping people out, ok or is it working with people worse off than you so you dont feel as bad?

Its 1413 now and I have to get ready to go for meeting 5 out of 6 and before taht I need to drop kids off at the proverbial swimming pool.

Breaking down

Lowering expectations

Been meaning to write this for well over a week.  At the last shrink meeting it was all about the following.
1.  What would make me happy?
2.  Do you ever see happiness again?
3.  Lowering your expectations
4.  Change the way you see things

God im tired as it is and this is just a mind melt to say the least.

Time for a brew I think and then an explanation of the above points.

1.  What would make me happy
going back a few months and doing one single act differently.  Each day it haunts me from the moment that I wake up and go through each morning what I go through every day.  That in itself answers that question, seeing as that is impossible its a rare time that I have nothing to write.  Sure getting the money situation in mylife sorted out would make things easier.  What does make it easier is getting home, drawing the curtains,sleeping.

2.  Do you ever see happiness again?
No.  Thought long and hard about this one.  Point 4 sums it all up

3.  Lowering your expectations
Interesting
Seems that if you know someone you have worked with for 5 years, gone through a lot together, dont expect a hello or to be acknowledged.  Just don’t expect it.  What perhaps in my views is just manners (see changing views) or just normal, what being bought up with manners is all about, in my view, is now wrong. 

4.  Change the way you see things
This is a crux.  Thinking things were unfair unsettled me, made me slightly resentfull and looking for things to blame other than me but that was the point. I take all the blame sqaurely on my own shoulders and then I realised that.. well.  Depending on your thinking most things happen for a reason, even randomness happens for a reason.. and this takes me from realising things are unfair to it being deserved.  No thats not a way of justification and by god certainly doesnt make things any easier on a day to day basis.

Everyday is a challenge to look at things through new eyes.  The psych woman pretty much isnt getting me or perhaps she is but there is a lack of understanding of hwo I work.  Its not like rash decisions are made and things are pretty much thought through

Lowering expectations