Another meeting

Whoo Hoo, Great news, I am not offically a grade 1 nutcase according to the therapist. I am a category 1 risk. However can i get help even tho I acknowledge that I need it…. No…

After answering all the questions and speaking to her, my logic is sound and is beyond mere emotion.  No Im not proud that I have thought things through to their conclusion.   Not that the equasion thats been put into place has worked.  I wish that for once when i get things wrong this was one of the things that I got wrong, however there is no solace in that for me.

Sunday is her bday. I see people and couples moving on now. More than ever

Today I find out that at the busiest month of the year, people are taking time off.  Im tired already.  Isee the cards now that are played in the game and realise that its all hopeles.

365 days ago.. Fuck… Things were perfect
I fucked up
as always

and as I Told my therapist, someone like me doesnt deserve help, or to get better, thats not the will of whats going on in the world.  When we split u I always gave it 6 months.  its been 4. Get through xmas and then thats it

there is no part to me tat wants to be a burden on people and the best thing is that people will never think of me like that.  They all have their own agendas to move up on the world, me I dont. The greater good for me, which is a lost cause.

For me it used to be a case of good v bad. How nieve is that, because good doesnt esist and rust me it pains me to type that. Its all about bad v lesser bad which is justified as good.

For me now its just a matter of timing. I refuse to be a burden on society, taking money from the state to get better.  Already been there a few years ago, well almost 10 years ago. Look how that turned out. SM has done well for herself as have all the exes in my life.

Perhaps thats my role, to show what happens  if youdont to this or that. A role taht I can and dont want no more. Look on my face book at the smiles how people move on

I fucked up
like i say every week
I fucked up

I was asked if im being too harsh.  No. Someone has to stand up and take responsabilty.  I wont lie on my blog.  A way out is being searched for

As SP and SW told me tonight, no one matters, everyone is expendible.  I done what I can. now is a good time for me.  I see no light , no smiles, I feel no love and most of all , the one driving motivation, one thing to keep me going, hope.

When you loose hope thats it.  Not something to be taken lightly at all  but thats the key for some.

3 years to the week thats when I found hope, 3 years later thats when it all got lost

Its pennace for my sins, for that I accept my fate, what is due to me.
Life is what it is
People are what they are
A world this small, there aint room for all of us

nite.

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Another meeting

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