Its been an odd night. Someone I know likes a lass and she likes him but crippling shyness prevents anything from moving on and no matter how I try to help, ok thats the first mistake that I know I am doing, ntihing seems to work.
Yet a squaddie tonight and those who read this know of my passionate hatred for the standard squaddie said exactly what I had been saying but this guy believed him. Its always been the fucking same, always no one eve r takes in what I say yet if i get someone tosay my words then its a whole different scenario. Ultimately frustration to say the least. Time and time again and its not like there hasnt been other methods tested. Somethings are just always that way.
Other week news is that most nights are spent fekking freezing to say the least. Remembering hat I ahve no central heating and abusted log fire that at least warms the water up on the pans. Smug cat is also freezing cold which isnt good. Normal scenario is not to get back from work, wrap a duvet up around us to keep warm befor having to get up , light the fire, waint in vien in the hope that things will warm up, sit on sofa watching my breathe in the air, get fed up and end up down the pub where at least its warm. Its going to be a long winter but then again that was obvious, ame all the worst by coming home to an empty cold home… no sorry house.
I know more than ever I deserve to be alone and shal be alone. Writing that and knowing things doesnt make things any easier in the slightest. God I cant even go food shopping now the car is on the road without a panic attack when the shop is either empty or has people in there. Yet on the fridge is a shining reminder of who I used to be, strove and worked hard to be. A picture of me kickboxing from a few years ago.
You live and learn and lifes lesson has been to me, be who I am , not who I thought she wanted me to be because iltimately she saw through it all, waiting and longed for me to be Mark, not the chappell, not what I thought she wanted, not an image that I Thought existed but didnt. The one time in a relationship I try not to be me and thats a fail, be me and thats a fail.
As I sit here at 1.43 am, the last embers of the fire slowing passing into the cold, the chill of the house I realise that im perhaps amons the fortunate in some respects that I know my destiny no matter how it might sucks