Well like the therapist said, get out there and do different things, for me this has meant joining the darting prowess of my local team. Not played in more than a few years, longer than the cliche to long to want to remember. Still tonight should be intersting as we are away to the city / shitty just down the road. Tonight will be interesting..
ok a breig update on the 60 quid that was wasted on match.com I will write to them and ask them to claim how exactly hey define too many women in order to make a statement, hell with work the way it has been if thats a misleading statement i will take it further… So the stats are at the start of the third month… no sorry nearing the end of the third month
Winks sent – shedloads
Winks back – 0
Emails sent – Loads
replies back…. 1
However the good news is that 3 months in im almost going to be on for the full 1 year ugrade. Well at least I think thats osme sort of positive.
Anyways a friend of mine who happens to be a taxi driver told me about a lass called Nerys who is aparantly a bit of a trollop but is so because she cant find anyone nice. On that theory of being nice and having the ability of being walked all over I asked some colleagues about her. She is also a “nice” girl. Colleague 1 siad she would help but then it transpired that she doesnt really know her since they went to school many years ago , aka fuck you. Person no 2 liked me from years go but its never going to happen but doesnt want to see me with her even tho all of a suddent they just started going out with each other to the pub.
So tonight I did somethign REALLY stupid.. Found her on facebook and asked her if she is the Nerys that goes to the rugby club near me, if so hi if not sorry for sounding somewhat stalkerish. Yep doomed to failure. God this is from a man who said he would be in town playing darts and asked a lass if he wanted to join hi for a drink… shame shes an old old ex flame.
So tomorrow welcomes the first marxworld poll. Ill post 2 intros for datins sites and let the net dcide what one is the better.
Apologies for spelling, just a touch tired.
Whoo freaking hoo what a day. 5 months since i last threw things away. Thsi is more of a message to gribzy more or less than a blog post. I know things are over, I know that I lost and now I can say hand on heart that I finally given up, hopefully you of all peorople will understand that its not the musing of some emo boke down on his luck.
I gave myself 6 months to turn my life around , beone of the people that move on and get over things, to be like the people that I watch on a daily basis. Fuck me what is up with things that when someone I know is left behind by HER mates walking up the massive hill and leave me with her and then I ofer to walk with her, not offer to walk her home, to make sure that shes safe as she has 2 kids, dog husband, just to make sure shes safe and I get told, id rather not cause its you. With no other reason that just wanting to make sure someone gets home Im stil the outcast.
Was intersting watching all the eople walk on leaving me and this lass behind. Showssss how life is I suppose, signs are given in the most strangest of ways
I lost my friends
I dance alone
its 6 o clock and I want to go home. Poetic.
So now sat here, half pissed, watching my cat, drinking export and with touch of reluctance this is where I belong.
Tonight wasasked abotu my dad and when was the last time I spoke to him. Hoep they understand when I said I cant because afer eeing him last xmas and the look that only my dad could of give me, I can face him. “you are his son” SP said to me. No im not his son Im a mistake.
One thing therapy has told me that I am what I am from my own thoughts my own mind. There was no parenting, no bad influences, nothing to lead me astry. I am my own creation, my own failures and my own sucesses with no one else to blame but me. That is what I carry, and as i was about to write my cross to bear. It is me and that is what I am.
Anyways back to the start of the post. Gribz, you did nothing wrong bar point out my flaws, the attention shown should of been me. I love her, i miss her and theres no getting over that. For me a path has been taken an im at the paths end
(this bit posted jsut after work)
Finally car sorted and back on the road, a bit of a break that I got paid for all the work that I do for people on the side via my company. Lol realy did laugh out loud my company, sheesh that was lost ages ago still went to the main biggest shop that not 12 miles away. A lass known as Mdget was there. Think Avril Lavinge but slimmer. Love her voice but never spoken to her ever, shes like that girl that you admire from afar always wishing that just for once she would turn look at you and smile. The one that there never seems to be the chance or that thing in common to speak to her about, so you sigh and thats that.
Even tho we never have spoken its interesting the reaction. Thanks to therapy monitoring body responses to situations and trying to deal with them become second nature. Christ my hands grabed my car keys so hard blood was almost drawn, breathing becomes hard and feels really tight. Anxiety is an understatement. Stupid and silly yet but in an instant yourself for who you are how you are dressed and all your flaws in an instant.
I Know deep in my soul that I wont be with anyone again and fact is that I cant. Gribzy said I could bounce back from anything just the other day. Those words stuck with me and mulling them over again and again. I wish I could agree. When the split happened tings changes, I changes and I knew in an instant that even if the journey ends with me comint out the ther end, bein the same was never giong to be on the cards. All the years spent fighting and believing in one thing and another, right or wrong.. a complete waste of time. Gribzy you are right, should of just grown up sooner and just accepted things. People change, people move on, most of the time for hte better but for thigns to be better there has to be the thing you are better than
Not long back frm the pub. Qic night on a Wednesday is always a mixed bag but now the St Davids lot have ventured down, backs are up. Dont get me wrong people having a laugh and a good time isnt a problem and hell Im one of the worst for geting a bit cocky and loud mouthed b then paper pellets start flying and what they do interrupts me then that’s a whole different matter.
In amongst them was a simply gorgeous lass, obviously the local bike of the group but thats here not there. Its fact btw as the ex ex told me this so ner. Amongst it al lshe has simply put a beautifull smile, that sort of smile that changes a whole persons face, almost like a beacon, cheeks light up, teeth show and it was just simply like a work of art a beautifull sunset casting down over newgale beach, captivating.
There is always a problem when being captivated, when you want to see it, look because its just nice to see it you run the risk of that dodgy bloke in the corner looking over. Being me this then triggers off the toughts that I used to make someone smile and in turn smile myself. Something that I dont do but then try on purpose not to do. My head rolls back and loking upward to the stars on a clear night i just shout the words fuck. The normal part of me wants to be angry, be upset, let it out however the real me inside, the processing part the logic knows that there is nothing or no one to blame but me.
Anyways, the 2 local aussie barmaids that were here for the summer have said good by tonight, chrissie and chelsea. 2 very lovely women said goodbye and it was the first hug ie felt in a long, long time. The feeling of being pulled tight and feeling someone close, well we all know where that takes my mind to… Ex ville.
I am a twat for acting like I did, one pissing careless act can haunt you for ever. Weeks before shit happened my mantra was that I dont fuck up but when I eventually do it will be a BIG one.
time for bed
I know this is a week late but here is the update on the therapy situation
Task1 – Use Elastic band to stop thoughts going down a negative path.
Pain association, Um epic fail on that one as the pain of thinking about the past is already bad enough
As we all know I got that one and got landed with more work that was a touch out of my remit but I will have a go. Sheesh why is nothing easy any more
Cook a proper meal.
Epic fail again due to lack of fundage, no car (again) and having no idea where to start. Though I have dusted out a cook book so I will give myself a point here
Go home for lunchtimes
Fail again, Work being too busy at the moment to do so. Well thats a bit of an excuse as theres no food at home, must take some pics for the blog
Tesco Job Application
Didnt bother after getting the PC role.
Think further afield.
Perhaps its time to move on from what I am doing. Don’t get me wrong my job is good, in fact anything like this ever again would be hard to find. Further afield might be london in a few months time. Will see once again might just be pie in the sky, like that ever happens.
Today is week 8 and the last therapy session. How do I feel about that? Not good. Its the only time I get to speak to someone who HELPS, doesnt let me self destruct. Come 4pm today life because a bit well…. harder. Theres not a reliance or a crux on going to therapy but it does make the world feel a touch less empty being able to talk to someone. Last night whilst just watching scrubs I just burst into a short amount of tears, even the cat gave me a hug at this point. At night i sit on the sofa, no one to tall and missing my past life something chronic with only the thought of my fuck up for company.
Ill leave on this note that I realise seh was more than my girlfriend (now ex) but that part of me that was missing , the push, the confidence, in fact you know…. she made what was the “chappell”..
Blog update in a few hours.
So immensly tired right about now. Shoulder hurts, neck hurts, cats not well again, ccj now registered against me and to my name I have 5.45, 5 of which will be used for electricity and thats about it. So much for eating
People compain about being skint but end up buying new games for the xbox 360, lagging the house or putting in new carpets and then lecture me because I go out and spend a few quid a night on beer. Yes bad thing to do when skint, just lost control of it this month, so its job hunting this week.
There is a local PC repair type role just up the road, five hours a week on top of what i do now is nothing. Does make me think that my dedication to work might be misplaced. Its definatly been a reason amonst it all why all my relationships have failed and no more apparanent than the last one that just went wrong.
Im out of time. Best ever oasis song?
Well the Max Payne movie sucked. It just didnt to seem to take the time that the 2 computer games that I loved. Im not sure if it was teh time of the film, bad acting but stuff didnt seem to click, there was no sense of desperation as the character jumps out as being hard done by in a basement for no good reason so that makes it hard to have apathy for the lead role.
Like when southpark did the parody of Indiana jones where lucas and the berg machine raped the franchise by the introduction of Aliens, Max Payne seems to do the same. Monsters that represent the floating into a sleep like state, aka death, didnt seem to stick. Ok yes it was a metaphor for taking drugs (chasing the dragon) but again just felt so removed and reeked of a lack of an idea to make it plausible. All in all I wanted to feel a part of the film, part of the action and feel the characters pain but the bond and the immersion i the film just simply never came.
Well after 7 weeks of therapy and the addage that something has to change I finally made a small change, though thats not without its problems The original role was for a PC engineer. Simple can do that standing on my head. The interview was bout that to start with and then progressed onto how tho grow the company increase exposure, what can I do to manage things and make them more money. Sheesh I wanted a role that I just go to, work switch off from all things Tech and make a bit of money on the side. Now, after being offered and taking the role, its going to be a lot bigger. However I really don,t want to do the work, I will give ideas and get people to execute but the donkey work of making ideas happen isn’t something I want to do myself. Others can do that and I will push things along. After all 5 hours a week doesn’t give me much time.