7 weeks of therapy later

Wow that looks almost half impressive when you write it on the bloggin machine that is wordpress.

so seven weeks of therapy have passed and what do I feel now thats diferent than before.  To be honest not a great deal. I can look at a razor and not think of it as a weapson in which to make thigs easier in the ransition from one life to potentially another.  Gof is always used as a scape goat for one reason or another when its not him / her  its fault

I have no friends now. Just colleauges that I work with which is a majorly sobering thought, especially with CF said the very same thing

KF was the best of e.  she was the missing ink in my world, the part tat was the rationalist.  I a glad she has found happiness with anohter althogh I write that I feel sad but I have no right to.

Solva is the hardest place in the world to live in

and today to cap it all off my mum has been in touch with me offering me to go and see her up i skegness.  WTF,  Though I have decided to forgive and let her have a peace of mind that she o longs for.  I will and can carry the burden of guilt of life upon me on the agreement that she will go forth and sort her life out.  The pain of the fuck ups is mine and mine alone.

The worst thing about therapy is that there was almost a part of me that wanted to keep the fight going, PS will always knw about my constant rantin about keep fighting, keep going, dont sucumb to resistance and plough through.  Yes the ramblings of a younger, immature me. I guess thats the point of getting older sis that you accept this and learn to give up and take life as it comes. It is as it is. In a rush to achieve I did manage to achieve something in the end, my biggest failure.

I was told tonight that living around here is hard.  Correct too hard and at  am in the morning the sobering fact of being alone and knowing htat I dont get to talk to anyone till mondya morning is just plainn odd.

There might be a life line just yet, to take away from just dwelling on things. A new hob, thats right ther eis a local company wanting  an enginerr for 5 hours a week but the problem  here is that its not an engineer job now they want someone to take the company and run with it, grow it and to be honest Im just plain tired out.  Signs of burn out are already present. Tired, aches, problems breathing and the worst f it all, lack o ideads. That part of the brain firing of neurons to come up with the ideas that kept us all in jobs, solves stuff, keeps things moving has ceased to exist. That scares me.

7 weeks of therapy later

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