(this bit posted jsut after work)
Finally car sorted and back on the road, a bit of a break that I got paid for all the work that I do for people on the side via my company. Lol realy did laugh out loud my company, sheesh that was lost ages ago still went to the main biggest shop that not 12 miles away.  A lass known as Mdget was there.  Think Avril Lavinge but slimmer.  Love her voice but never spoken to her ever, shes like that girl that you admire from afar always wishing that just for once she would turn look at you and smile.  The one that there never seems to be the chance or that thing in common to speak to her about, so you sigh and thats that.

Even tho we never have spoken its interesting the reaction.  Thanks to therapy monitoring body responses to situations and trying to deal with them  become second nature. Christ my hands grabed my car keys so hard blood was almost drawn, breathing becomes hard and feels really tight.  Anxiety is an understatement.  Stupid and silly yet but in an instant yourself for who you are how you are dressed and all your flaws in an instant.

I Know deep in my soul that I wont be with anyone again and fact is that I cant.  Gribzy said I could bounce back from anything just the other day. Those words stuck with me and mulling them over again and again. I wish I could agree.  When the split happened tings changes, I changes and I knew in an instant that even if the journey ends with me comint out the ther end, bein the same was never giong to be on the cards.  All the years spent fighting and believing in one thing and another, right or wrong.. a complete waste of time.  Gribzy you are right, should of just grown up sooner and just accepted things.  People change, people move on, most of the time for hte better but for thigns to be better there has to be the thing you are better than

Not long back frm the pub. Qic night on  a Wednesday is always a mixed bag but now the St Davids lot have ventured down, backs are up.  Dont get me wrong people having a laugh and a good time isnt a problem and hell Im one of the worst for geting a bit cocky and loud mouthed b then paper pellets start flying and what they do interrupts me then that’s a whole different matter.

In amongst them was a simply gorgeous lass, obviously the local bike of the group but thats here not there.  Its fact btw as the ex ex told me this so ner.  Amongst it al lshe has simply put a beautifull smile, that sort of smile that changes a whole persons face, almost like a beacon, cheeks light up, teeth show and it was just simply like a work of art a beautifull sunset casting down over newgale beach, captivating.

There is always a problem when being captivated, when you want to see it, look because its just nice to see it you run the risk of that dodgy bloke in the corner looking over.  Being me this then triggers off the toughts that I used to make someone smile and in turn smile myself.  Something that I dont do but then try on purpose not to do.  My head rolls back and loking upward to the stars on a clear night i just shout the words fuck.  The normal part of me wants to be angry, be upset, let it out however the real me inside, the processing part the logic knows that there is nothing or no one to blame but me.

Anyways, the 2 local aussie barmaids that were here for the summer have said good by tonight, chrissie and chelsea.  2 very lovely women said goodbye and it was the first hug ie felt in a long, long time.  The feeling of being pulled tight and feeling someone close, well we all know where that takes my mind to… Ex ville.

I am a twat for acting like I did, one pissing careless act can haunt you for ever.  Weeks before shit happened my mantra was that I dont fuck up but when I eventually do it will be a BIG one.

time for bed


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