Wake up, Fuck what the hell was that nightmare about. Ever seen never ending story and that flying dog ferret. Well I have two of them, one in each hand in bright blue and red made out of something ike paydo or plasticy material that eem to be squished and squishing them together made me feel sad, remember ths is a dream, vivid at that but the worst bit was parachuting out of plan I think with the ex and next thing I know falling for ages not sure if there was a landing. Then snap im between her legs talking to her and its VIVID, this thing was like being awake beyond anything that i have personally experiened and I have tripped out in my own special way many many times. The converstaion went along me asking her for forgiveness and then trying to mak things better and the words tha I remember are that I can never get back to you even if I wanted to… something along those lines. Next thing Im bolt upright and spent ost of the day in shock. No this isnt some odd melodrama
Off to the supermarket and due to feeling wstedly tired feeling down just a touch. Made all the more worse b bumping to the ex ex sister in the local shop. The ocnversation turned onto why I drink so much and dropping the casual line in to try and erase the last 2.5 years of my life that I fucked aup and then wasted. From hurting Rach to the ex, all that was bad enough but then to be told that it was the only time shed been seen vrying and then to be asked “did you really not believe she didnt like you” Thats when things hit home, im just a bastard and because no matter how hard I try I dont think i will ever grasp the concept of someone liking me because ultimately i hate myself. The addage is true how can others love you if you dont love yourself. The conversation was a lot deeper than that is made out here. Once again self esteem and worth come plummiting down to the ground.
Dreams seemed to back off a bit, waking up still feels like my bodily organs have been replacedwith molten lead. For some reason I took the lead in work today and organised the entire dispatch for the day,didnt hit the max dispatch record but it was good to do that and be there till 7pm after makign everyones life easier for the next day. Might start doing that more often
Still out of the blue I get a phone call from someone I chat to online doing PC work for and its basically just offering my a job working in Dubai for a few weeks. to say im just a touch taken aback is an understatement . Rang up the next say to check that its all legit and bugger me could be on the cards. Hopes arent up and yes its just pie in the sky still till the ink has dried. Been here before getting hopes up and such. Was nice to have that optimism of a dream for a while tho.
Tried, very tired. The walk home in the damp seemed to match the same old same old mood and then it hit me. Its xmas next week and i dont feel it at all. that last thought of xmas has finally gone. This year seems to be the time that I have finally lost all christmas. As a kid it was never that great, hell parents running a pub takes president over xmas morning opening and xmas night they go off and visit their friends without kid in tow so there isnt really a lot to be missed I suppose.
At least i might have helped someone. On sunday I spoke to the mother of the lass I spoke to on monday and she said they werent putting up decs as they have had a hard year with family members passing on. Yesterday on facebook she said shes put up decs because theres at least one person who still wants to be christmas. Hopefulyl I had an effect on that decision.
Right half nine, time for the pub quiz and to see if I can cheat to win some beer… god bless you wifi!