Ahh back from the pub and nicely pissed, just where the mind should be, the optimism comes back for all but a minute and knowing full well that the crash is just around the corner..
So the quiz was lost, couldnt cheat because there was too many people about. Rebecs was there and we seem to be looking over at each other a bit but thats more because of insecurity abot being in the same sitution of making do
I found out why there is no xmas party. seems that after last year coupled with the controllism (yes i know there isnt such a word) of certain people 1 person managed to somehow become the reason, neigh scapegoat for people arranging the staff party. Personally im pretty pissed at the whole idea. The point of being a team, a small team is to bring people together, to bring loyalty, to get that extra from people without putting that much effort in. Ok organising 1 event for people vs what the last 12 months of been on the ups and downs because of one incident that happened last year. For fuck sake. Its the bigger picture and this is me saying this. Perhaps this year people needed this more than ever, perhaps it was a statement to say, we… no he boss, me staff but its a good gesture like all bosses do. Damnit I was never going to turn up but thats not the point, I could not turn up knowing that others had the choice and were enjoying themselves.
Last year, at about this time the ex was ill all weekend, I came into my own looked after her and the kid and did my stuff. It wasnt till late in the evening she wanted to and we did. Couldnt take my eyes off her al night just with her being there and that instinct to look after and care for her. That is what I am and do, I care but this image of society in my head prevents me from being me.
God at times its all so clear that if I had been the me, the person that i wasnt in the last relation ship had just been “chappell” then perhaps. It was that innocence of life and love that i neve sucummed to which made, was giong to write makes them, it made me… me…
An ugly guy going out with a blonde who doted on me, writing that put a pain into me, an actual physical pain, is the stuff that dreams are made off. That was my time, to step up and be me. The only time someone saw me for me.. something that I didnt even see and thus I become a self fulfilling prophecy. Turn up from work tired there was a bath, hungry no matter what she would cook. Yes ok that sounds typically macho male but i fucking know its not like that. Thats caring.. Those little things, christ those little things
I remember people syaing to me that I sweat the little things to much, but if you dont catch them quick enough a multitude of problems become the issue. Hell I even remember being almost begged to take IVF treatment and coming up with excuses not to. Its now i realsed it was fear that stopped me.
Hindsight.. fuck you.
Looking back at the last few weeks, months, thoughts it becomes clear that I am, put simply, a cunt. The diamond word that socially accepted as being wrong.
The sigh sets in, the hands rub the face in a way of trying to fnd some soothing comfort in an accepting way that false hope exists and yet in the same movement, hope doesnt exist.
Its ironic that I self analysise so much yet my therapist never really came up with a concrete come back, it was always subject and conjecture, answering a question with a question. Shame that she slipped up when going into psycho babble about NCG and then i said thats short for non cogegnative therapy. Somewhat surprised she looks at me to apologise for using acroyns. For gods sake I am more than aware of the detrimental afftect of negative thinking. What you see and what you dwell on becomes true which is whats behind me self fulfilling prophecy.
EXex has become the person I saw in her (ironic) and now lives the life that I always imagine
Ex has took 2 days to get over me. That easy, simplistic. There are photos on face book. Its hard to think I never existed, just a stepping stone. However that may sound at least she has progressed. I have butone memory that doesnt hurt. Kari in my kitchen, looking at me smiling in only the way she could smile. Its my loss that I say with a lump in my throat. This leaves me with a conundurum was she ever in love or in love with the idea of being in love
When we were at newgale and i said a speech to he that no mwattter what i wont put here, she almost cried.
To see a destiny now and realise that you walk straight into it. Speechless. To embrace ones destiny is the best thing to go. Phil.. you told me over a decade ago to stop the fight, just accept it. You can follow a dream tilll the point of self destruction but whats worse, having no dream or following it to your demise
The people that I speak to the msot , including work , ar ethe people that serve me beer a the pub THATS IT. Leave work and the only people that speak to me want something from me. On my arse thats it. Nothing nada, have a bright idea lets ride it. From the small step that fires of a neuron and arrggh Im actually screaming at the roof, its where good ideas come from, that singular thought process through through with the nievety of someones innocence
Do I fear Christmas, no, do I care about letting my little sister down more than anything, yes. To track back 1 year and see that look, my dad take the ex for a chat, being on top of the world, troy playing with my step sister and all the night, looking at the woman in my life wife a look athat I now doubt was reciprocated.
I want to believe
There is the reason i wont be “home for xmas”. Its xmas, people deserve to be happy and i know with me involved that wont happen and its more important for a slight dissapointment to happen than a major one. CC you were the reason I went home for the last few years. I really hope that im not the source of disapoinment to you. Last year I we drove there with everything, this time its with les than nothing.
We all move on, for some its harder for some than others. N and A said they were off out at weekend without saying yet telling all bar me that was the plans. S and S have their own plans and thats when it all starts to become clear….. walking home sober and not pissed you see people for wha tthey are… I bet this blog this
Sat.. S and S are off to a private party and there is a do on at the glan. Now tonight whilst sober I said pop in here and we will all catch a taxi to glad.
pop back aweek in the blog to see how thats going to fuck up.
Whilst doing this blog things become apparaent. The ex is still in touch with people i thought would talk to me. Turns out Im wrong yet again.
With a deep breathe and an air of acceptance I know im a cunt. Someone who squanders chances and reluctantly accepts the position he is in, I look around the room and realise this is it. Weekend of being cold etc. Sometimes you spend the rage against the machine and those cleverer or more arrogant than you accept it
Sometimes… people have to make way..