Doner kebab flavour Pot Noodle: coming to a pavement near you
On the side of Pot Noodle’s new doner kebab flavour it says, in small print, “If it’s in perfect condition, happy days. If not, have a moan at the customer care department.” What if it is in perfect condition? Can I still have a moan? Because of all the things this great new dawn in British snack culture tastes of – salt, sugar, something dying at the back of a supermarket spice mix shelf – doner kebab really isn’t one of them.
This isn’t entirely surprising because no lambs have been involved in its production. Indeed, looking at the ingredients list, I am convinced it’s actually vegan, which tells you just about everything you need to know.
There was a moment, a taste echo, that reminded me of belching half an hour after having eaten the real thing – stop grimacing, for god’s sake; this is a doner kebab flavoured Pot Noodle we’re talking about. What did you expect? Proust? – but it was soon gone. Instead all that was left was that sickly-savoury, chemically-enhanced indeterminate flavour that all of them have.
And yes, I do know this because I have eaten pot noodles in the past. Hell, a restaurant critic is really only a greedy man with an expense account, and six pints to the bad I have done many things of which I’m not proud. Including eating doner kebabs. And pot noodles. And that may be where I fell down. Because to truly experience its exquisite joys I needed to be bladdered and carefree. Instead I was sober and ashamed.
Not that there is anything I could say which the manufacturers have not already said themselves. After all this is a product which once described itself as ‘the slag of all snacks’. Let’s just say that, with the new lamb-free doner flavour, they haven’t exactly cleaned up their act.