Wow, just how odd was that time of the year for me in more than one way. Irony seems to befit me that one of the best nights ive had in such a long time. I’ve long since lived in a world of harsh realism, seeing things for what they are in my view and my experiences, right or wrong my thoughts are just based on that and indeed how I lived my life. Moreover what may be the end of this blog is the person who created the need to talk to people when there wore none.
1 year and six month passed from the time that i fucked up. Without wanting to sound just a touch too emo ish my perception on who I was and what i was, ended up being completely screwed and then the decent into a personal hell started and continues. Why.. because of one mistake
So cutting things short here, thursday a few texts were exchanged and I ended up in the place where never in this lifetime I thought I would be. Dont get me wrong I had imagined this for the last year and a bit. When you are down you hold onto precious memories and the one that I had amongst everything was seeing the ex in the door way with a smile on her that I always counted on being mine.
And for a moment it was there, that look in the door way before we got into the house and stood around in the kitchen talking. Damn she makes a nice brew still. Freaking odd. There’s a red ring on her engagement hand and no less than 6 months after out split she was engaged. One of the things I admired the most was the ability about boxing her emotions away, never letting them come to the surface. Repression of senses and feelings, man that’s something to be envious about. And yet this is something that I wanted the most in our relationship. The body wasnt that important. What was, the soul, her because deep down I know the woman whom I adored was in there, fleeting glimpses were enough to keep me fulled to want it so damn much.
I digress the night goes on and its hitting about 1230 and we are talking and joking around. I seem to remember asking her something, she smiles “smile” and looks away. Picking her up on it she knows I’ve seen that smile. **READ THE DISCLAIMER AT THE END HERE** Its explainable only when you see it. There have been pics posted on the net and there were a few on the laptops but, in my view, none of them were her.
Apparently the guy she’s with doesn’t know half as much as I do and never will.
You know, writing this I might just stop at least for now. Just to savor it for a moment.
Anyhoo things were discussed and talked about. For the first time ever I got to say sorry. Part of me wanted to let loose with the feelings but that’s exactly what books tell you not to do. A moments silence passed and she turned and looked at me and replied to me. For once there was no doubt in my mind it was sincere and genuine, no bollocks, no KF’ness just a true honest from the heart answer. The eyes always give the game away but she said that if she thought I was that monster that I fully believed I was then I wouldn’t be where i was right now. “You did it and only once was enough” If only I had the head to say i would of spent the entire life making it up to her.
The convo drifts on and I’m there’s a lot of shit about what I lost and what I threw away, natrul reaction to things really.
As for talking about the rest of the night, that’s perhaps for part 2. Theres a whole backlog to things here.
So for now, do I expect to hear from her again, well I did get a text on friday asking me not to tell anyone in Solva and trusts me not to, but as to will I hear from her. I really don’t know, my senses are emptied at the moment but I’ll say no. Not for a long while and I cant see myself going over for another brew, however much Id like to.
I’m more than aware here that its easy to tell someone what they want to hear. Loneliness can get the better of us all and by no means am I under the delusion that I was anything than just someone.
“Stop second guessing” is what i was told. Easy enough to say but you know chat logs can have all manner of evidence. But despite thinking that the next day. At that time, in that company, more than ever for along , LONG time things felt right!
The main thing here is the morning, after having questions answered at night it was like being a peace with myself. Waking up, no questions about yourself, no hatred of myself. To walk around and just having a head clear, no confusion, if only for a few hours was simply the most amazing experience ever