Ah yes its been a bit of a while since drinking and blogging at this time of night. This was supposed to be dry week, no alcohol to go through me what so ever on an effort to save some monies. EPIC fail to say the least. Seems that at the moment all thats happening is reminders of past lives, past mistakes, basically the fragile brain matter that is left after getting obliterated is now being mangled into a pulp. Take this evening….
The ex gets in touch with me on monday via a text that I dont respond to , then tonight she msns me asking why am I not responding , have I done something to offend her. I put back that texts have been passed her way and no reply. Its still amazing the effect on me she has now. Similar to a recoil effect, the body tenses up into a ball, breathing gets hard. Drunk as I am, trying to control what little real emotion I have left, theres a part of me that craves the good times. Don’t we all.
It isn’t the relationships you’ve lost through being far too much hard work for any one person to deal with on any kind of long-term basis.
Second step into a mindfuck is the EX EX suddenly appears on the facebook list. I know for a fact shes had me blocked for years and for good reason and then bang, like a light on a radar scope there it is. Of course couldnt resist a peek and boy o boy is she in love. That’s great and through it all a smile appears and yes moving on is the right thing to do. Yet at this time in life I just cant seem to get my happiness knowing that other people are happy. Used to be able to, taking solace that
Looking back and analysing where everything has gone wrong there is the one conclusion which is inescapable, I am my own worst enemy. Ups are only matched by the devastating downs, a middle ground doesn’t exist
Basically the last week has been a reminder of all that’s wrong with me. A good thing as it was needed to know who and what I am. For better or for worse.