Trying to find the positive

happy family

But that’s a lot harder than you imagine, there are 2 readers here that I know of that take notice and the rest are people looking at lilly allens tits or Jennifer aniston doing that semi topless shot where you can’t actually see the goods.    Increasingly this blog is a place that is a goto place for all the bad and the bleak in my life, the  times that when I don’t spend blogging are when life things are happening, however things have taken a darker turn.

The last few weeks have been a mental and physical rush of being out and about doing things, interacting with people rather than looking at a screen, living via email, the jobcentre website and the occasional status update from a now depleted facebook account.

Facebook had to be depleted to escape the EX still making comments on profiles of people who I have on my facebook as well.  Today I just saw an awesome picture of her and her family.  Amazing and an awesome picture which I genuinely mean.   Not heard from her in over 2 months now so that part of my life is over.

Going back to Colwyn bay the other week was a wide awakening and you know, enjoyable.  To think back to before being ill and everything that happened since, to walk a path where you fall in love and a place with little or no bad memories, now that is priceless.

This brings me to chester during race weekend on the grand national which I won 20 notes on btw.  That is a place where callous and ruthless would be an understatement.   After working a 12 hour day on a Saturday and going for a few beers, those with money and dress sense were out, making me a target for ridicule and jokes.  Those who can WILL exposure your weakness and frailties when they see them.  After that night I didn’t venture out unless it was to Weatherspoons which seems now to be gods waiting room for alcoholics

What brings about this state of mind was the 33rd birthday of your blog writer.  Hints are made to be taken, so when the weather is foul, snow, raining, hacking it down, that’s a sign to say wait and see what happens.  As we know taking hint’s and doing such sensible things has never been an option.

Out for a few beers later, on my own of course, the penny sinks in and the corner lurks for people watching.  Taking it all in I head back to the hotel where sitting down, taking a good long look in the mirror life flashed back, hence the above ramblings and a new moment came, a feeling which has never been felt before.  If I had the opportunity I would of taken an over dose and just gone out in a rock and roll style.  There was nothing available at that time so life went on, wake up the next morning to finish work and get back home.

Since getting back life has been a mixture of sleeping, waking up, email then sleeping some more.  Oddly though drinking has been way down with tonight being an exception after seeing the above pic.

Writing posts like this on my blog is not a cry for help, not a need for help but I realise more than anything if I could choose myself over another human being then I’d happily lay down for them.

CL, a lass that I saw 2 years ago now had a near death thing recently and she’s got a kid.  Me, well I wake up, exist in a world where fitting in has never worked, always on the fringe, that awkward one, with friends who use me as a friend when they need it.  I don’t blame or take pot shots at them but pardon the occasional angry moment.

Time for another beer and perhaps another post.

Trying to find the positive

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