Doesnt this ever get easier

Fuck sake yet again, will this ever get easier.  Guess whos been in touch today after freaking months?  An ld pain resurfaced in the chest that hasnt been felt in a very, very long time.  That sort of imploding exploding thing, kind of like a black hole forming right in the middle of the rib cage.   This is a pain which I hoped deep down I’d never have to feel this intense for a long, long time and tonight it’s back.  I should of know when I jokingly tried to ask out a lass in the last few days and got turned down because…

for the very reason, “you wont hit a woman”, hell no I said, stating that id never let the situation get to that.  Yet that split comment threw back all the memories and thankfully put me back in the place of cuntdome where I belong.  Little exacts of confidence had been coming out in small doses and this was teh grounding that I needed.  Who the fuck was I kidding, joking or not I really shouldn’t have tried.  Seriously what freaking comeback can you conjour up from that.. none.

So heres the full transcript, including replies when im pissed

this is after some chat abotu her BB not working adn me thinking it was someone else

not hear from you in ages

well you  stopped answering me so i stopped tesxting

Did I arse lol, fuck how do you do this i think of you and blam there you are.

lol it still amazes me that thers a link after all this time, have you tried a ping or anything?

her: Cant get a connection so no ping

me:  cleaned the sim?  And why arent you asleep young lady?

her : just finished sewing and now reading a book

me : marriage has domesicated you finally then

her : lol na making a ancy dress costume for my managers birthday party and i have always loved reading

her : besides i have always been domesticated who was it that kept your house clean and cooked you meals?

me : didnt need that just need that kari smile babe, and OUR house not mine

her : it was always your hour we were always just guests lol, its ok tho i know a mans house is his palace

me :  get stuffed, you know it wa ours, you moving in was so great, u were the one who held on to your place tho babe

her i kept it cause i never felt at home at yours and troy needed a home so i ame sure he would always have one that is what a mother does

me : you were heding bets babe, its ok.  odd was just talking abotu comign hoem to you and doing xbox stuff with him, you have no idea what it was like never to be oyourself with someone like you.

her :  yes i walsy hedge my bets with troy i have to make sure he never goes withotu that is what a parent does/

me :  not on about him on about you as well, im make up you are happy tho i wont forget the nigth we spent together

her : i still worry about u, u are a complex creature who i never understood , i tried but failed but i  not capable of holding grudges

me : i saw some old emails from you  the other day, that was hard, you ll never be true to yoursef and hide like me so i reflected you.

me : the only time i saw the real you was on the beach that time, that look in youreyes and the way you hugged me.  thas when i wanted to propose to you.

her : thats where you got me worng i was always real with you it was u not seeing that wot broke me

me : there was  onething that i wanted that you nevr gave up babe, only at night with you across my chest I saw it

long gap

me you asleep

her : not quite nearly lol

me : u in bed i hope

her : yes

me : sleep well

Its at times like these that even if you learn to forgive yourself or live with mistake you make, the world doesn’t and for some it will find a way to get back at you.

I am a cunt, must accept that and the deals taht im given.  At a young age it was obvious you bring about things on yourself.  just at times I like to forget that and harking back to the old days try… just try.

Now its off to bed with that familiar pain again.

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Doesnt this ever get easier

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