Humiliation after humiliation and epople somewhow expect me not to have such a low opinion of myself. Farts night tonight is aprime example, apart from playing first on the night and getting some support no one said a word to me throughout the night, leaving me to seek solace in the iPhone.
One person said dont you get bored of that so I thought, yes you are right this fucking sucks. Get involved to then be chastised for getting into the moment with a few chants and stuff by the lass who’s cutting my hair tomorrow (well today).
This brings me nicely onto a post that I wrote a long time ago about expectations. When I was seeing a psuchatrist her main point was to epct nothing. Think about this for a moment.. Nothing Nothing is one of the bigest words oyou can ever imagine.
This was proved so so right to me in the last few weeks where I;ve seen people and they have seen me. People that I;ve had long chats with, picked them up when they are down, provided a roof when it’s been needed. All I would hope for in return is a hello, an acknowledging smile. And thats the pint expecting somethign and hoping for somethign are two different things. Now I hope for the feintest of smiles to say “hey you exist”
Only 2 weeks ago the ex flashed me such a gorgeous smile to then onlt follow it up last with the meerest of mild waves.
See I was bought up, well kinda bought up, realising that manners cost nothing. Tonight, amongst other nights, proves that people will use manners when it suits them, i.e when they want something from you.
Im not having a go at the 2 people who I know read this but think about it. With your lives being how they are, what possible reason do you have to want to remain in touch with me. Harsh.. perhaps but none the less truthfull. Your lives are what they are and in no way am I disrespecting that but trying to make a point.
I know now that I’ve reached a point where moving forward is one of those things that happened and perhaps it might just be my state of mind but the dreams say something else.
Recently my dreams have been about, how do I put this, along the lines of standing back and seeing woment hat I;ve been attracted to, the what if’s the maybes and for a moment, whist in the REM state of mind feelingwhat it would be like to be with them. Then dawn breaks, I wake up and that is that.
On a night out where im the designated driver i struggle to make sense of things, how people interact, what attacts what to whom. Everything like that just doesnt make sense. it’s a world of randomness where Im seeking apattern to understnad and you know what. its never going to happen.
I am me, I know tha the “something about you” vibe isn’t there. I’m that guy in the back ground. The one that’s pushed out of the way. The one where hitting average is the best that can be reached.
In case you hadn’t guessed. From here on in.. It’s just a matter of time.