Is a test.
It has recently occurred to me just how much creatures of habit been really all our. On not sure where this observation has come from perhaps it stems from being out of work for the last nine months and having way too much time on my hands.
For example, my working day would consist of getting up, going to work no matter how bad all depressed or how much I do not want to go to work, coming home and lighting the fire, watching TV, then going to bed at the end of the day like most normal people.
Nine months or my patterns have changed completely now I wake up in the morning for an hour to make sure I get the post, go back to bed for a few hours and then spent most of the day wandering around with no idea of what to do. Back when I was in work my mind was always thinking always coming up with new ideas and generally being creative. Now it takes all my efforts just to put on some close that aren’t jogging bottoms or something to that effect.
This is what I don’t understand our patterns weren’t at a young age for example do we get used to doing certain things at certain times to such a point that we don’t want to break out of our normal routine for example, began, a friend of mine who I play darts with pretty much will not break out other normal routine that he is used to. Now you might think that is fine which is fair enough people are happy doing what they do however he is 10 years younger than myself and yet I still yearning to go off and try new things even if there is a possibility that it may fail. My friend however draws a blank and white line and refuses to even step outside the box. Is that a pattern all is he aware of something I’m not?
This then brings me onto another interesting point. Does this mean I have yet to fully grow up because if I am still trying to do these things that people call on all pointless does that make me a lesser person than them?
So now this leaves me in a situation where I seem to be second-guessing myself and comparing myself to people that seem so set in their ways that I don’t understand why but perhaps I feel that I should also be as set in my ways. Perhaps wanting to go off and do things like go to a different part that may or may not be dead or come up with a new business idea is my pattern?
All the time I am trying to make sense of things trying to work out what is what and the more I tried to understand the more I find I’m incapable or don’t have the intelligence to understand worse still is that I lack the confidence to just be me and to deal with people. Yes I have people around me that seem to like belittling every and any idea I have but those are my friends aren’t the only friends that I have. I have to make do with the fact that in times of confrontation during an argument where I know I am right by still half to back down just to keep the peace. This frustrates the living daylights out of me when I am always being asked to make exceptions for other people yet I feel that the same luxury is never afforded to myself.
Perhaps these are the ramblings of a bitter cynical person whose life experiences have never really amounted to much. At the end of the day I have travelled almost around the world, seen some amazing places, and run my own business for five years. But no matter what I’ve done and where I have been it all seems to be for nothing. At the end of the day the only thing I have to look forward to,. Actually I can’t answer that what do I look forward to. What are my aims? Where do I want is to be?
Try as I might I can’t answer these questions to myself, perhaps I achieved too much too soon or I lacked the guiding influences to help me along the way but one thing I do know is that it’s 2:30 and time for bed.