How daft am I. When someone you think is into you starts making an effort why have I Not learnt from the past. When women are interested in someone they will start doing things. Working out, getting in shape, doing all those small things.
I’m mad disappointed, angry and upset that after knowing you for over 2 years now, after everything we been through good and bad you tell me over msn that you’re hooked up. No matter what you think or feel about me surely I deserve a little more respect than that. I’m mad at myself right now for not seeing this sooner and even more for not realising the signs.
Also telling me you met someone else and you are hooked up via a msn and then buggering off isn’t what I’d call the best way to do things perhaps? Cowards way out, couldn’t face me or plain just don’t care? Wish I knew.
From the start, coming 2nd place.
Before you say I should let this go, please read on and try to understand without reacting. All i ask is before you say anything give yourself 10 seconds thinking space. Please.
I’m mad at myself to forget the first night we met where you went off with a mate of mine. I can accept that even tho when I chatted you up I never put anyone down to get a one up. I never promoted myself anything more than I was yet he did. What’s worse is that you both conspired to hide it from me. I wondered why people were offish with me, busting my balls, keeping things up when they were down at work. Doing the stuff I did when all around everyone knew but me. Then the realisation. That was hard.
You were friends and work colleagues at the time and I know exactly what went on in the end despite your not telling me. Would of made it easier somehow for you to have been up front about it. I guess when you start hiding things thats a hard path to back track from. Odd isn’t it that out of all this the pair of you are shacked up separately and little old me. Well
Yes that’s a huge reason why I kept a distance from you because unfortunately experience and common sense hits me. 2nd place is never a good footing to get off on. You might have thought you tried to make thing better in a way, somehow it all felt automated. Been here before with a certain other ex.
Other thought keep coming at me whilst I’m this emotional. Like the times we’ve been out and the immortal line you told another friend of mine when I had barely left the room “I’d quite like to f**k you” Again another blinding sign.
The Other Signs
Things like going for dinner with friends, this isn’t meant to come across as petty but when you were with my ex colleague you two were always going across the way for dinner. Never once was I invited into that circle. now I think on it people looking at me when we were together and thinking, well I’m not him what’s going on there? Don’t worry those circles I’m more than aware I couldn’t fit any less into but still… Guess It’s too much to ask for an invite. Still shouldn’t be surprised.
Whats worse, avoidance or lying?
I’m honestly not sure on this. At least a good fibber can do just that, make the lies plausible and believable yet avoidance is harder to master. In short if you’re avoiding talking about something then it’s not good news. Good news is always blurted out. Bad takes a lot more to face up to.
Take the previous weeks when I outright asked if you had someone. Change of topic, avoidance and this goes on and on, back way before this. Makes things too hard to deal with. I’m a processor. I think and overthink about things because I know that in general people aren’t that good. Why did you have to prove me right on that?
I’m not like that you say etc etc. Really just take a look at how you told me about your new bloke. Gah Im so mad you freaking knew this and dumped it on me then fucked off.
I expect that if we ever talk there would be excuses and reasoning but the fact is when you know someone over thinks and with a paranoid nature like mine…. does avoidance really help?
The Time I was A Bet
Remember that time in Fishguard where I walked in after you invited me to the pub. There was a bloke cracking onto you and you were certainly all over him. Out of respect as a a mate I just left you too it. It didn’t click for a while that as soon as I turned up he disappeared. Do i think something happened.. not sure. Am I putting together pictures of what could or may of happened because you avoided talking about him like the plague. Yes.
I could of given in and let you won your bet but there reason I didn’t wasn’t because of some misguided all of a sudden sense of worth being on the planet. Not at all it was because I thought we were more than that, putting me down as some kind of a bet made me start thinking. Well you seem to be good at doing that sort of thing, pulling, flirting, those years behind the bars. Is that it? I liked you more than enough not to want to be a statistic, no matter how much my head was screaming at me do just go “fuck it”
So I don’t open up
Like all things if you look the answers are there often right in front of you.. When I say I’m not up or out of bed for days on end, that I’ve not left the house that is NOTHING to be proud off. Hell I even told you I lost my job and not once did you sincerely ask was I ok? Depression. Remember when I told you about it. Ever notice the efforts I made knowing you were coming over, tidying (attempting to) and the rest of it. I suffer from it big time and it gets worse now and again. Where was anyone when I’m in this fudge? People only know you when you are on the way up, not the downward spiral
Opening up was hard. Last time I exposed my feelings, fears, weaknesses, strengths to someone I got bit. Unfortunately you shared a trait with an ex which thankfully acted as a handbreak. The whole bed thing. You were never comfortable in bed with me, ever. Not just the whole physicality but the emotion and head space as well. Faking it too much to please me when I said don’t many many times. I wanted this one bit of you more than anything in a way.
Showing emotion. Sure you tried to get a reaction and such from me and you did. Those moments where we were together on the sofa and all those small things. Easy to forget them isnt it. YOure on the other side of the coin doing that with someone else now leaving me looking back in reflection.
A secret here. I kept my emotions in check because I had to. Last time I opened up I lost everything… And I mean everything… Don;t expect you to understand or care but this is my letter. To give you an oversight, dad isn’t well and he knows it, things arent going right with the family, I’m getting some wierd ass lumps and bumps that are probably normal but freak me out, get a job, loose the job etc etc. You have your own life stresses to deal with that are actually something to worry about.. In short I shut up to protect you from me. Please remember that it wasnt that I didn’t want to, I had to for your benefit.
Remember back when
You lost everything. House, possessions a fella who didn’t care? At least you had people to turn to, people who supported you and before long your’e back on the road to right. You end up in Solva with horses, job climbing the corporate ladder, fast forgetting about what it’s like back then. Fair dues to you and all respect in the world to you for doing that. Bit of advice, now and again before you judge people and look down on them like you do to me, take stock and remember what it’s like to loose everything. Least you got a lot of it back
Remember the paranoia. Well feeding it by pretending to be into things when you aren’t etc DOESN’T freaking help. Hell I’m a male but I’m not a selfish pig male and I think I proved more than once I wanted to put you ahead of me. More than most knowing you were happy and satisfied in that area knowing everything you’d been through in the past was something I was never going to get. That small thing I wasn’t get was and is such a big part of you. Feeling I was another meat grinder (number 39 or something wasn’t I) should of sent me running. You made me feel fake and disliking myself even more.
When you cover yourself up during moments of intimacy, especially the other week with the shirt pulling down was the last time I could do anything with you. If you are looking at youself and noticing those things, in the throws of passion then what are you noticing about me. Thanks again for adding more damage to me.
think back and think of the times we talked on MSN. Not the best way to talk but at least it’s something. You have to read, think and then reply and we had some amazing opening up and deep chats. I miss those. For me it;s easier as you can’t judge me and I don;t have to hide emotions, being upset and the such.
Yeah so I understand your pulling away thing. In another “told you so” moment. I did predict months ago what would happen. You’d meet someone on the barracks, who’s fitter, taller and all the stuff that goes with going out with a squaddie.
How did we fall out?
So Im in a car trying to talk to you when you’re distracted, we have a small row but later with my family around I do still email and text, read alive branch and nothing. Leave you to it and hear nothing. I knew then you were off with someone else. You knew how important my sisters bday was. Yes, shouting at you was a little out of order but for gods sake. Turn the TV down, tell me what you cant hear me say instead of repeating hello, hello, hello in parrot fashion.
I was stressed, annoyed, paranoid and taking your advice for once I called you. I could of done nothing or called you and I was trembling when I went for the contact on my phone. *sigh* as I write this I know you aren’t going to believe me and now im starting to feel shit about opening up. Ok that sounds naff I know but it’s true. It was your voice I wanted to hear when I needed someone.
Yup. Don’t worry if you are reading this I know how easily people are replaced. Your numbers from the past hinted at that.
At the end
Really, to dump this on my via msn then piss off asking, “are you ok with that?”. You’ll always have a special place for me. Please… don’t patronise me. We both know what those statements mean and how it ends. You go off into a new world and a new place, not giving a toss. That’s how it goes. You arent the one left dealing with all the questions of “thought she was with you” etc. Which btw I’m asked many times and I smile.
From what I hear you are slightly more upfront with “god no” style comments. People change but a little bit of niceness would of been good.
I remember an old friend telling me women are like monkeys. They don’t let go of one branch till they have their hand on another.
Ive stopped myself here writing what I feel, pouring out the emotion because what does it matter now. It doesn’t change anything, nothing different will happen, decisions have been made.
Thank you for the other night and morning. Well thank you up until the part you said what you said. I honestly thought there was a moment there that morning and I’d kept that one close. I was so proud and happy it had happened in the morning. I honestly thought there was something “there” that morning.
But now I realise it wasn’t and that’s one of the most upsetting things. I thought it was me doing something special for you, getting that reaction and way out of you, having you hit the snooze button one last time but now I realise it wasn’t me. I might have been there physcially but in your mind it wasn’t be and that’s what brought on the tears. It wasn’t me and it wasn’t going to ever be me. 2nd place once again….