Oh my god I’ve just done something very very stupid. Since my dad died and I got a harsh reminder about how much he missed my ex, unexpectedly she’s been in contact with me out of the blue. There’s no rhyme or reason to it and to be honest I have been entertaining at which is odd given my past feelings for her seem to have disappeared somewhat.
So on Monday we bumped into each other at the coffee shop she springs me about the idea of meeting and jokingly I said okay and Samir text when you’re free, thinking that she is never going to do it and again once she’s got home and had time to come down from a hormonal and adrenaline overload I won’t hear from you again.
So imagine my surprise earlier on today when I got a text saying you fancy meeting up and having a cup of tea. and of course me being me I said yes. I’d like to say that nothing happened and obviously nothing did although there was a hell of a lot of venting from her about how much I upset her, how much she didn’t know who she was in love with me or the man I was trying to be.
At some points it was almost on a plate and if I’d wanted some there would have been a good chance that it would have happened. That’s not showing off – just a reality of this somewhat twisted creature that she is. This is a person who is happily married but doesn’t believe in monogamy and is when she told me that is when I thought to myself I don’t want to be like that. Again common sense and logic would tell you that there is no such thing as “the one” but sometimes it’s nice to think about things like that.
And as we sat in the car at Newgale, looking out over the beach sipping our takeaway cups of tea, she’s giving me that smile all that only she has I’m thinking of someone else. Not out of guilt, adrenaline hitting but but because if I could have, id have swapped in an instant the person I was thinking about for her.
I know it’s foolish to still think of her (Nina that is) Now that I’m firmly back on the ground now after the holiday euphoria. But when someone like the EX asks you if you really like her (nina) and you’re trying to find reasons to say no then you know something is wrong with yourself. I ended up being honest. What I want and what’s going to happen are 2 different things. Perhaps the EX was thinking he’s only going to want some but im the second choice. She’s right. For the record NOTHING is going to happen with the ex. Perhaps chatting and getting closure thats all.
Being honest with myself
If you remove all the different variables like the excitement, the drink and look at the basic facts things should be a lot easier. The basic facts are is that she is in Germany and I’m in the UK. The fact is that European away more in touch with their sensual and playful side than those in the UK. Yet knowing all this somehow just isn’t helping me.
The confusing variables.
Smiling all the time when we look at each other.
Constant displays of affection in public (very, very, very rare for me to enjoy that)
Prolonged eye contact. Anywhere, everywhere.
Saying potential boyfriend once (yes I know thats a tenuous link)
Handholding. Not only at the moment where we our tear arsing around Oktoberfest but also the morning after the night before.
Doing the almost morning stuff. Surely if this was a one night stand which by the way it wasn’t because nothing really happens surely you get booted out of bed despite what country you’re in?
Going to the bakers and the doctors. Again she I did ask a couple of times to say point me in the direction of a taxi but she pretty much refused to.
Showing me her special place. Nope this wasn’t anything rude but a really nice picturesque bridge overlooking the river with the church, meandering paths, picturesque trees. If my phone had been confiscated this would have been the picture of the weekend for me.
Giving me a big hug in her special place big hug. Again I’m not wanted to push anything into my mind I’m thinking and being booted out the door and never concede his girl again so when she starts giving me any public displays of affection, confusion reigns.
You see what I’m realising here is for every negative there is a positive. Like in the beer tent after she sees me and we with talking for a while she got someone else’s number. I don’t know why and she wouldn’t tell me anything when asked about it but I seem to recollect he may have been with someone or maybe not but my point here that every bad point, there is a good point.*
What can you make of a woman of who, when you were in bed together, tells you that she’s been single for three years but has just recently been heartbroken? Hopefully I said something cool like that persons an idiot to break a heart like yours.
What am I supposed to make when one of her friends Scott tells me that they have a special relationship. He wouldn’t elaborate on that I did speak to him and say outright I hope I’ve not offended or trod on toes and if I have, apologies. I said it was her eyes, they are just amazing. He might of asked if I liked her and I might have said “yes” outright. I spied him texting her a little while later. THe morning after the night before she said scott text me saying we were both missing her. I said “yes”.
(Side note I recall scott talking about a woman he;s head over heels for who’s “up there” and nina was about halfway to her.)
Can anyone reading this see my confusion.
After not hearing from Nina for two days I’m still think about getting up early on Sunday morning just to order Glastonbury tickets. The morning we were talking and she told me that she likes to do things spontaneously and believe me if I knew better I’d be saying things well let’s just go away for a weekend, fly to London as flights are cheap and to be honest thinking like this is maddening. This is me I don’t think things like these. I spent a very long time putting feelings back into a box and keeping them there.
I’ve been fortunate times to go into a bar and just end up snogging a woman and it means nothing, not many times I grant you but there have been a few. And this is why I’m stressed out and conflicted with myself I can’t work out why this seems to be different. Logic is telling me one thing and for some unbeknownst reason I’m not listening to my head.
Delusion is a wonderful and somewhat maddening thing both at the same time.
* (note to self why did I first say for every good points there is a bad point and then change it to you for every bad point there was a good point?)