This is probably a first for me on this blog. I can’t actually remember making an outright apology for someone. Normally I’m happy with my actions but this one is deserved to a dear friend who’s been on one hell of a trip with me. So this post is dedicated to AP.
Over the last few years of my life many people have come and gone. So I’ve been fortunate to class some as very good close friends, some I just class as acquaintances or people l’ve just happened to meet along the way. For the most those people move on, generally getting on with their lives are looking after number one but every now and again there is an exception to the rule and AP is one of them.
It was many years ago that we first met in a bar. I was working and she was earing the shortest skirt with the tightest top ever. That;s obvious but there was an attraction that stemmed deeper than just showing off the goods. Alas for many reasons we never got together. We both use the “what if” as our own little bit of escapism. Of course that’s not to say we haven’t had a spot of fun along the way 😀 Recently however our friendship has evolved. That’s not to say I still don’t fancy the pants off her LOL
Like I said earlier, it’s very rare you meet someone and still remain friends with them, talking on an almost daily basis even after six years. It’s the simple things like catching up to check on each other just to see how things are going. I’ve always said it’s the little things that make the biggest difference and even the simple act of saying hello does make a dark day brighter. the stupid little things that probably means nothing and more than likely out in the real world happen on a day-to-day basis does make a dark day brighter.
Over the last few weeks I have been into some very dark places. These don’t get blogged because it seems like crying out for attention when really am just trying to make the world understand what’ s going on in my head. Who want;s to openly admit frailty in a society such as this?
I realise of course that nobody cares and just one voice in the middle of 1 million stars is my way of dealing things and if it wasn’t for her, I’d have nobody to speak to. Heading to the Job Centre or awkward prattlings to a checkout till operator really don’t count.
So knowing she’s upset at me at the moment and quite rightly so I’m hoping she will read this to see just how much she means to me. It seems that my big ex-girlfriend has had an impact on other areas of my life that I didn’t take into account. Like I said in another post it was very odd being with someone who says “I’ve changed my day around coming meet you” when our relationship history was nothing more than a complete train wreck.
So why did I do this? Why would I meet someone who had such a profoundly negative impact on my life? A little bit of this was closure. Telling her about what happened to dad, the funeral and have unfortunately “” (at least for me) dad had Mr since we split up. It’s one thing to have to deal with the funeral for them to have to deal with the emotional outpouring of a widow, ranting about how dad saw me as a failure because of this relationship blowing up is a completely different thing.
As she sat in the car telling me “I didn’t know who I was in love with, the person that you were trying to be all the person that you were” it was then I realised it wasn’t me who lost out on the relationship in some ways. At some points I felt sad as she said with conviction about the lack of monogamy in the relationship to justify the sleeping around her relationship, being perfectly happy that her husband when working away in sharing a bed with many other women and no doubt she is as well.
I’m of the school of thought that you can cover your emotions all you want, you can put a brave face on to the world but every now and again your guard is going to slip. There were little utterances of “he doesn’t touch me any more”, “he’s too hot I have to push him off me in bed” and to me these are the words of a princess trying to get through emotionally but cold hard twisted logic reigns supreme. “marriage isn’t all it’s cracked up to be” was another one.
And had it not have been for AP actually taking the time to teach me things, explaining things how they are, not enforcing her point of view but just general discussion, helping me understand them processed things for they really are. If you ever need an opinion on a woman, ask another woman who only has your best interests at heart and believe me you will know if they have an agenda or not. And that’s what makes AP such a special and unique person. There is no motive, agenda or malice she really just wants to see people happy and I’m very grateful that I am one of those people she includes.
And that’s the whole point of this post to say thank you and I am sorry if my actions recently have lead to you being upset. You’re one of the few good ones left on this planet and I don’t want to lose you in any way shape or form.
We can’t fix our regrets, but we can try and make our futures amazing.