Sunday Morning and an another EX rears up

6 months ago the Linn files were closed. After a while I moved on, dusted myself off and just carried on the forward push that is lift. So you can imagine my surprise when logging onto Facebook I get the following message out of the blue.

Saturday – 20:06
L: i miss you still even now

Today
Me : Was that message meant for me??
L : What do you think? Took me nearly 6 months
Me : Well that’s that I mean, 6 months could of been a typo lol
L : 😀
Me : Odd tho, had been thinking about you a lot recently (bluff calling time)
L :Having to search for someone’s name and private messaging them is no typo! Maybe a mistake but…. Lol
I’m sorry if you felt I let you down
I was in love with you and never thought I would get you so I walked away. Bad timing I know!

There’s more that i’ll edit later. Why tho. Shes told me she found / has someone who’s completly different to me and 6 months is a long old time.

Why must life throw open old wounds…

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Sunday Morning and an another EX rears up

Back To Work : How To Alienate People

Blergh. This morning was a struggle to get up and moving. Hearing that wind howl across the bedroom window was enough to put me right off. 8.05 I hauled my carcass out of bed, giving me 15 minutes to get up, moving, ready and on the road. 8.30 I’m then on the road and arrive a few minutes late. Ah well it’s friday and after this week I really don’t care.

As I rock up still cold to the bone, maintainence are cornering off areas in a CSI Miami type style. One of the boys tell me that the chimney was falling off and landed on a car. I chuckle as the big wigs in their offices have finally felt a touch of repayment for being who they are. Don’t get me wrong, i’m not keen on seeing unwarranted damages but at times it’s nice to see those better off get a bit of the bad stuff

So as I chuckle, quite loudly by accident, I’m then told it’s AW’s car. Crap. He’s one of the more down to earth managers who’ll help out when he can. Obviously now he’s stomping around as his car got some light damage and think’s I was laughing at him, when it was mistaken.

God darn it brain why didn’t you engage sooner.

Todays Lesson Learnt.
Get up earlier and eat breakfast to help the brain engage.
Take a quick pause before saying anything

Back To Work : How To Alienate People

Back to work : The Ex Retardation

When you know an EX is working on site you know that eventually paths are going to cross. Today was the day. Things started out well in my world. Wokeup on time, had a brew and generally things were rather chipper in my world. Despite a rough voice things were ok however the closer I got to work the darker my thoughts got.

My days in work are very up and down depending on the mental state  that I am in on that day. At times I can be the funniest, clever witted person around, quips fly out with ease always hitting the mark with pin point accuracy. We all have those moments agreed but this is about me not you. Thing is this is “at times”, a rarity, a delicousy if you will…

Most of the time I’m bordering on slight retardism and feeling that I’m a few seconds behind or even worse neurons in the mind are colliding and the only thing they can come up with is a dumb or stupid remark which I regret as soon as my mouth engages and by then Im screaming to myself W..T..FFFFFFFF

So this morning was one of those days where I looks rough, felt rough and generally just wanted to get the job done and get back to my desk where I could hide for a small amount of time. So there I am with monitoring hands screwdriver in the other just cracking on, a door opens followed by “oh hiyaaa Mark”

timing, it’s always in the timing. It’s been with my fears since I started and I found out she was still working there that shouldn’t catch me when I’m at my lowest or at the very least my rough looking days. Today of all days had to be that day. It couldn’t be yesterday when I was flying on a high and everything and anything I touch was getting fixed. Nope, it had to be this morning, it had to be right at the time when cold, tired and I had my brain firmly turned into off mode.

 

So the conversation goes something like this. It all starts with her

hey Mark how you doing

Wow I’m surprised you’re talking to me.

What do you mean?

Well, I saw you in the shops just before Christmas and you walk straight past me and not even saying hello.

No way! I never do that.

Well, I just thought that you were ignoring me with you to it.

Oh, sorry how are you anyway?

not the best, a little bit tired and run down and think I’m coming down with the world’s biggest case of man flu.

(something  Along the lines of awe… ) then

( we did have a brief conversation about always been ages since I’ve heard or seen from you and she mentioned to say if she ever needed anything to call me. She never needed anything so she didn’t call me)

so do you still speak to James or Anthony from darts.

(I laugh just a little bit) not so much. Kind of fallen out with them and not really on speaking terms.

How so?

Well, it’s one of those situations that the more we try and help people the more you get stabbed in the back.

No way! James seems like a rather sound guy. Did he and Donna ever get back together.

Yes they did. Although James is shagging around and so is Donna.

No way!!

Yes ways. Appearances can be deceiving and after being there for him when his world was falling apart he barely even speaks to me any more.

What did you do?

 

You know it’s the most stupid thing but everything has fallen out of around me because of darts. I know it’s stupid, you know it’s stupid B know what people are like and their small-minded ways.

Yeah…  pauses,,,  so are you still living in Solva?

Unfortunately so. Although my shower has just broken and my washing machine has broken Asterix*   are you still living where you used to live and how  old are the children..

one is 14 and the other one is 10…

( we make small talk for a few more moments and then back to me)

yeah, and to top it all off my dad passed away last year ( she looks genuinely shocked)

no way…

At this point the manager comes in to say that her appointment has arrived.  she turns around and says to me before she goes “are you going to be around here later we can catch up”,

I should be

and that was that. So basically in the space of a few moments for some reason unknown to me I told her all of my life’s problems worries and pretty much everything that is wrong with me instead of being the confident and slightly cocky guy I had managed to be for so long. is always the bloody same when it comes time to way and you need to be “that guy” I’m always on the receiving end of a failure.

Needless to say feeling pretty low, embarrassed and fairly stupid about the conversation that we had. It’s not that I’m trying to impress or win her back or any such nonsense like that but it would at least be nice to show that confident demeanour that I had way back when I met her. If only to rub in a phase and go aha thats shown you LOL

Yes this is the same woman who split up with me in the middle of town beacuse another guy showed interest in her and “wasn’t that interested” in him and “he’s not that good looking”

So the end result is that I just want to curl into a ball under a blanket, pull it over over my head and just go back to sleep.

Back to work : The Ex Retardation

Dear brain. Please shut up.

Dear brain. Please shut up.

Being tired and dealing with normal work stresses is one thing but coupling that with my minds constant inability to keep me from making a prat of myself is another.

I realise I have many flaws but I do cope a lot better when I’m not being reminded off them.

So if I could have the briefest of respite from the constant flashbacks and then nausea causes by a remembering of something stupid, it’ll be appreciated.

Dear brain. Please shut up.

Back to work. Finding the optimum of people. Not the maximum.

In our rush to perform I believe companies and corporations have stopped seeing people as people but more of machines but treated with less mechanical sympathy than say a tractor.

Take the other day of having to get soaked through to complete a job. Yes it was completed but the rest of the day was a write off. Being damp to the core affects anyone’s mind let alone that of someone who’s been out of work for 2 years.

The tractor in a field doesn’t care about conditions and can only plough as optimally as conditions allow, also taking into account fuel optimisation as well. So why are humans pushed harder than machinery?

In many instances we are more fragile than the tools we work with yet when a target hasn’t been met, like in sales, a push starts to achieve said target. People work harder, longer, sacrificing breaks and when they don’t, scorned upon for not being committed or the old faithful statement to pull on anyone’s emotional loyalty, not being a team player.

Targets then increase because the push helped achieve whilst lurking behind the scenes, bean counters work out revenues per head and so on.

Lets face it we all do it, go the extra mile and all that but wouldn’t it be nice to be rewarded for doing extra instead of it being an expectation ?

Back to work. Finding the optimum of people. Not the maximum.

Can I find someone who has a clue ?

Tuesday. It’s raining yet again but it’s that fine stuff, the stuff that soaks you right through. So of course this would be the day to start installing projectors in places.

Not the lovely sunny Monday, not last week when I saw this coming and mentioned it, nope today and its urgent. This has come down from on high.

So after traversing site 2 times due to a buggered remote control in the rain, that projector is next on my hit list. Grabbing said projector I ask the boss if he’s sure this is the right one. With his monotone voice I’m said yes and told to put it “on the side”.

Another 5 minute walk in the rain I arrive, looking forward to getting this one done and getting that cup of morning tea which has proved elusive so far. Each and every time I go to brew up something needs to be done.

ES greets me, kinda cute in a dorky way. HAs that look of teenage pregnancy around the corner. Anyways she’s nice enough to me and leads me to where this projector needs to go.

We arrive and in a square shaped room there is no “side”. No shelves or even anywhere safe to put this. Instead as obvious as one day turns into another, gazing down from on high is a projector bracket. Yup. Wrong projector for the room and it’ll need mounting on the ceiling (remember I did ask if this was the right one and if it had all the leads that I would need).

Another trip bAck to the office to be told to do it later. I did say look at me I’m piss wet through but like most statements made to any manager this garnered no comment.

So it’s 1035, soaked, 8 hours to go and I’m sure Es thinks I’m stalking her the amount of times I’ve been down her way. At least it’s not Barbara.

Can I find someone who has a clue ?