When you know an EX is working on site you know that eventually paths are going to cross. Today was the day. Things started out well in my world. Wokeup on time, had a brew and generally things were rather chipper in my world. Despite a rough voice things were ok however the closer I got to work the darker my thoughts got.
My days in work are very up and down depending on the mental state that I am in on that day. At times I can be the funniest, clever witted person around, quips fly out with ease always hitting the mark with pin point accuracy. We all have those moments agreed but this is about me not you. Thing is this is “at times”, a rarity, a delicousy if you will…
Most of the time I’m bordering on slight retardism and feeling that I’m a few seconds behind or even worse neurons in the mind are colliding and the only thing they can come up with is a dumb or stupid remark which I regret as soon as my mouth engages and by then Im screaming to myself W..T..FFFFFFFF
So this morning was one of those days where I looks rough, felt rough and generally just wanted to get the job done and get back to my desk where I could hide for a small amount of time. So there I am with monitoring hands screwdriver in the other just cracking on, a door opens followed by “oh hiyaaa Mark”
timing, it’s always in the timing. It’s been with my fears since I started and I found out she was still working there that shouldn’t catch me when I’m at my lowest or at the very least my rough looking days. Today of all days had to be that day. It couldn’t be yesterday when I was flying on a high and everything and anything I touch was getting fixed. Nope, it had to be this morning, it had to be right at the time when cold, tired and I had my brain firmly turned into off mode.
So the conversation goes something like this. It all starts with her
hey Mark how you doing
Wow I’m surprised you’re talking to me.
What do you mean?
Well, I saw you in the shops just before Christmas and you walk straight past me and not even saying hello.
No way! I never do that.
Well, I just thought that you were ignoring me with you to it.
Oh, sorry how are you anyway?
not the best, a little bit tired and run down and think I’m coming down with the world’s biggest case of man flu.
(something Along the lines of awe… ) then
( we did have a brief conversation about always been ages since I’ve heard or seen from you and she mentioned to say if she ever needed anything to call me. She never needed anything so she didn’t call me)
so do you still speak to James or Anthony from darts.
(I laugh just a little bit) not so much. Kind of fallen out with them and not really on speaking terms.
Well, it’s one of those situations that the more we try and help people the more you get stabbed in the back.
No way! James seems like a rather sound guy. Did he and Donna ever get back together.
Yes they did. Although James is shagging around and so is Donna.
Yes ways. Appearances can be deceiving and after being there for him when his world was falling apart he barely even speaks to me any more.
What did you do?
You know it’s the most stupid thing but everything has fallen out of around me because of darts. I know it’s stupid, you know it’s stupid B know what people are like and their small-minded ways.
Yeah… pauses,,, so are you still living in Solva?
Unfortunately so. Although my shower has just broken and my washing machine has broken Asterix* are you still living where you used to live and how old are the children..
one is 14 and the other one is 10…
( we make small talk for a few more moments and then back to me)
yeah, and to top it all off my dad passed away last year ( she looks genuinely shocked)
At this point the manager comes in to say that her appointment has arrived. she turns around and says to me before she goes “are you going to be around here later we can catch up”,
I should be
and that was that. So basically in the space of a few moments for some reason unknown to me I told her all of my life’s problems worries and pretty much everything that is wrong with me instead of being the confident and slightly cocky guy I had managed to be for so long. is always the bloody same when it comes time to way and you need to be “that guy” I’m always on the receiving end of a failure.
Needless to say feeling pretty low, embarrassed and fairly stupid about the conversation that we had. It’s not that I’m trying to impress or win her back or any such nonsense like that but it would at least be nice to show that confident demeanour that I had way back when I met her. If only to rub in a phase and go aha thats shown you LOL
Yes this is the same woman who split up with me in the middle of town beacuse another guy showed interest in her and “wasn’t that interested” in him and “he’s not that good looking”
So the end result is that I just want to curl into a ball under a blanket, pull it over over my head and just go back to sleep.