You know there was a story to be told when I have to break it into two separate blog entries.
So the other week I’m my local (12 miles away) enjoying a beer and watching rugby. The usual crowd are there, well I say crowd, given how dead the pub is these days when there’s about half a dozen people there it’s practically a festival. Included in this crowd is the the landlord’s wife/ex-wife.
It must be here weekend off from her children and she seems to be drinking the wine with gusto i’m miraculously this seems to compel her to strike up a conversation with me.
I’m on my last half a pint so I decide to indulge in conversation with her and I pretty much don’t do any talking I just ask lots of relevant questions taking an interest in her career. She works in childcare and doubles of bits in child psychology which a little bits I know about. In the space of half an hour she’s neck at least another glass and a half of wine which was completely oblivious to me and this was only pointed out to me later on.
I’m also starting to sense that her body language has turned towards me in that sort of way to say I’m interested. Believe me, I was tempted to have some fun at this point but I decided instead to defuse the situation and went into the other bar.
A few moments later one of my dance team comes up to let me know that Jennifer (not her real name) is interested in me and asked for my phone number. At this point thanks to little food and a small amount of alcohol I lose sense of my judgement and give him my phone number to give to her. That in hindsight TM was a mistake
So no I’m in a situation where Jennifer is text in me from her phone sat at the bar where her husband/ex-husband is working. What happens next is a little hazy but I’ll try my best to recollect what happens.
She then comes into the bar where I am and starts talking to me hinting that she “likes me” realising how awkward the situation is I make light of it and say well, you have my number so use it. And unfortunately she did.
A few minutes later she disappears and I had background to the other bar to try to act normal and not horrifically uncomfortable. The landlord disappears as well for a good 30 minutes and then shortly after he comes back I get the message to meet Jennifer in the restaurant. I know the alcohol really has taken its toll on me and I go to see what’s up.
As I walk into the restaurant which has no writing on and nobody can CS she decides not now is the time to try and snog my face off. Great, I can hear at least one person say. It might of been passable if she hadn’t been sick but a few moments before.
No I feel compelled to clear one thing up. She’s a big unit, not the attractive sort of big unit but the sort of woman whose nose and chin have stayed the same size as from when she was 20 but the rest of their body has exploded like she swallowed a stick of dynamite.
Her breasts are more than acceptable for 30-ish year old woman however two kids has obviously taking its toll on her body. She maintain have a cracking personality but if the attraction isn’t there then it’s not going to work.
The site no here of course is how bad does so one’s life have to be to find me attractive.
Granted I know I have no oil painting but at least dankest me the right to make such comments
Back to the main story and this is where things start to get really complicated. Having sobered up and legal to drive I make my way to the car and she asks for a lift home. “Not a problem”, she gets in and then her husbands tells you to get out and take my car keys.
He takes my keys on the grounds that I need to sober up which is ridiculous as I’ve only had a pint and a half.
Next thing you know, moments later her husband/ex-husband has arranged for her to get a lift home. I hang around drinking coffee and waiting to get my car keys back.
Then in one of the dumbest muse I’ve ever done I text her and asked her for her post code.
At this point I blame that decision on being deliriously tired.
I know that I must be tired as when she is making me a cup of tea and leggings starts to make her bottom look attractive. No I really am wanting to bail out of the situation and just get home. It’s 1130 at night and all I want is my bed. That’s ALLL I want.
I’m sat there having my cup of tea and just generally talking trying to steer the conversation away from anything rude and then her phone rings. It’s a husband/ex-husband. I’m glad I had the sense of mind to ask for a really milky cup of tea.
This day present me with a chance I needed to get the hell out of her house so with one of the best lines I’ve ever come up with I suggest that perhaps the timing isn’t quite right and I should head home.
As I going to leave she grabs my hands and places them on her breasts to say don’t forget, this is what you are missing out on. To be fair they didn’t feel too bad especially since she wasn’t wearing a bra either. And it was easy to forget one it was attached to as it was pitch black :).