It’s 5 PM but it should actually be 6 PM which would suit me a lot better dealing with the fact it’s so dark at this time now.
I was thinking earlier on today just how long I’ve been single and you know what I don’t know. It’s been that long I can even remember my last relationship time period.
In a recent post I went on the bouts in generally not liking people finding them to be untrustworthy and when ever possible do tender generally stab you in the back. granted I know this is a very skewed perception and perhaps it’s not the same for everybody out there but in my world this is how things are.
But just recently I’ve been thinking more and more about what a relationship would be like and even more worryingly so I have no idea.
These days dating websites occupied two types of people. Men who just send pictures of their genitalia to women in the hope that somehow miraculously that will get them a date or if the opposite end of the scale where everybody is stressed and styled like an up-and-coming boy band member.
So let’s say the last time I had a date was about three years ago. Things have changed significantly since then with the advent of apps for example. Applications like Tinder just become an exercise on the carousel of seeing just how shallow people can be. On the opposite side of the coin again you get people like me pressing yes to everybody just to play the odds game.
Women themselves have become more demanding as well expecting more. it’s almost like there’s a direct correlation between the amount of fake tan will attract the equal amount of hair products in a guy.
Anyways coming back to my point I’ve become a lot more aware of couples showing displays of public affection and they are a lot rarer than you would think. internally I feel happy and sad at the same time happy to see such a nice thing between two people and sad because I think I might of had that once in my life as well.
I’ve talked to a couple of people about this and the best anyone has had to say about me was “you aren’t that bad looking” or “if you didn’t look so desperate”. Whilst I remember one particular acts attributed here cheating I wanted me to take partial responsibility for her infidelity.
I kid you not, she blamed the lack of sex in our relationship partly on me. She claims that she would dress up nice all the time for me which is a bit hard to understand when nothing in her wardrobe cost pretty much under £80. When you spend six months with that person being a friend because they’re having to go to have a sensitive operation and stand by them in their time of convalescence it’s hard to actually know if, when it’s all, to make a move. but again this was my faults and because she was thought I didn’t want to have sex with her he slept around.
Zthis is particularly hard to take on board after all I am a male and I can pretty much guarantee that if she had started to make any major advancementsthat meant something, like grabbing my cock, like any mail she would have been guaranteed to get a reaction. Instead of choosing to do this stuff with me she debarked on other relationships and as I found out recently travelling as far as 200 miles to meet one particular chap.
You see this is my problem MR how much I try to look forward and try new things in my past seems to be completely overwhelming me.
I go to the gym, swimming, cycle and do my other events but inside I just feel empty.
I’m not saying that I need a relationship to make me happy but I think no more than ever things are starting to dawn on me a little.
Occasionally I even resort to looking through other peoples Facebook profiles and I can’t explain why properly. Perhaps I’m trying to remind myself of what some form of happiness is like, what it would be like to have someone in my life I could be with and trust.
Physically wise I’m approaching the best shape I’ve ever been in for an incredibly long time and for the longest time I can walk past the mirror and seeing my reflection I’m not wanting to smash that mirror up.
Suppose in a nutshell I’m trying to see something good in myself that other people might like and worryingly so I can’t.