I now the nights are drawing in

It’s 5 PM but it should actually be 6 PM which would suit me a lot better dealing with the fact it’s so dark at this time now.

I was thinking earlier on today just how long I’ve been single and you know what I don’t know. It’s been that long I can even remember my last relationship time period.

In a recent post I went on the bouts in generally not liking people finding them to be untrustworthy and when ever possible do tender generally stab you in the back. granted I know this is a very skewed perception and perhaps it’s not the same for everybody out there but in my world this is how things are.

But just recently I’ve been thinking more and more about what a relationship would be like and even more worryingly so I have no idea.

These days dating websites occupied two types of people. Men who just send pictures of their genitalia to women in the hope that somehow miraculously that will get them a date or if the opposite end of the scale where everybody is stressed and styled like an up-and-coming boy band member.

So let’s say the last time I had a date was about three years ago. Things have changed significantly since then with the advent of apps for example. Applications like Tinder just become an exercise on the carousel of seeing just how shallow people can be. On the opposite side of the coin again you get people like me pressing yes to everybody just to play the odds game.

Women themselves have become more demanding as well expecting more. it’s almost like there’s a direct correlation between the amount of fake tan will attract the equal amount of hair products in a guy.

Anyways coming back to my point I’ve become a lot more aware of couples showing displays of public affection and they are a lot rarer than you would think. internally I feel happy and sad at the same time happy to see such a nice thing between two people and sad because I think I might of had that once in my life as well.

I’ve talked to a couple of people about this and the best anyone has had to say about me was “you aren’t that bad looking” or “if you didn’t look so desperate”. Whilst I remember one particular acts attributed here cheating I wanted me to take partial responsibility for her infidelity.

I kid you not, she blamed the lack of sex in our relationship partly on me. She claims that she would dress up nice all the time for me which is a bit hard to understand when nothing in her wardrobe cost pretty much under £80. When you spend six months with that person being a friend because they’re having to go to have a sensitive operation and stand by them in their time of convalescence it’s hard to actually know if, when it’s all, to make a move. but again this was my faults and because she was thought I didn’t want to have sex with her he slept around.

Zthis is particularly hard to take on board after all I am a male and I can pretty much guarantee that if she had started to make any major advancementsthat meant something, like grabbing my cock, like any mail she would have been guaranteed to get a reaction. Instead of choosing to do this stuff with me she debarked on other relationships and as I found out recently travelling as far as 200 miles to meet one particular chap.

You see this is my problem MR how much I try to look forward and try new things in my past seems to be completely overwhelming me.
I go to the gym, swimming, cycle and do my other events but inside I just feel empty.

I’m not saying that I need a relationship to make me happy but I think no more than ever things are starting to dawn on me a little.

Occasionally I even resort to looking through other peoples Facebook profiles and I can’t explain why properly. Perhaps I’m trying to remind myself of what some form of happiness is like, what it would be like to have someone in my life I could be with and trust.

Physically wise I’m approaching the best shape I’ve ever been in for an incredibly long time and for the longest time I can walk past the mirror and seeing my reflection I’m not wanting to smash that mirror up.

Suppose in a nutshell I’m trying to see something good in myself that other people might like and worryingly so I can’t.

I now the nights are drawing in

Just a small update.

You might have noticed there hasn’t been much in the way of updates recently. The reason is purely down to the fact I’ve had nothing to say both online and in the real world.

yesterday I had my first conversation with a human being in I think I’m around nine days. Obviously that exclude any pleasantries such as talking to the stupidly attractive women who now seem to occupy the tills at Lidl and Aldi.

Of course there is the obligation of having to speak during the fortnightly sign on in the job centre but Adalat my interaction levels with people both spiritual and physical has pretty much been non-existent.

In other news I still manage to keep up with my training for this weekend’s obstacle course race. Back2thetrenches.co.ukis a little something I entered just so I have something to look forward to and to train towards.

It’s just a shame that some of the grammar on their website and Facebook page makes it look like it’s been written by a 12-year-old and these people are supposed to specialise in corporate events and the such.

After seven weeks of training I can just about run a full 25 minutes and cover a little over 3 miles on a good day. at Sumat going to the gym, swimming and other fitness type stuff I’d say that I’m in pretty good shape.

I wouldn’t say it’s hard any impact on my confidence or made me feel better but at least I don’t feel worse and that’s the thing I’ve been trying to stop.

I’m giving up on dating sites seeing them now as nothing more than a carousel of shallowness. perhaps they are the words of a better I’m somewhat cynical person (such as myself) but that’s just how it seems to be.

Right now my hit rate is about one in 300 and that’s a very conservative estimate. out of those people who speak to me for more than a week is a triumphant zero. If it’s not the looks and then it’s the personality and vice versa.

And all this spare time on my hands I have managed to watch all five seasons of the rather excellent “Parks and recreation”. If you have a Netflix account this is something truly worth watching along with the mighty BoJack Horseman.

Orange is the new black is also a surprise hit with me given the fact it’s on Netflix exclusive I had foolishly written it off as perhaps another one of these online TV ventures that’s underfunded with Paul production values. Happy to sail this one I was completely wrong.

The only problem I can see with Netflix and making new episodes to view immediately is the longevity of this system.

I’m wondering if they rely on the system that most people will perhaps binge watch in two or three episodes Blocks, like I do with Breaking Bad.

Thankfully I’ve been managed to get those hacks working so I can watch the USA version, or indeed any other countries version, of Netflix as let’s face it content in the UK is somewhat uninspiring at best.

Without I really have nothing left to say for now. I’ve just spent five minutes whilst I was walking China to think and what else I can add to this and nothing.

Just a small update.