If there was ever a title for a blog post that I thought I would never writes then this is it.
As of this afternoon it’s been officially confirmed that sometime, by a major, major miracle, I’ve managed to get someone pregnant. I don’t say someone in a derogatory way but I’m not about to name her on this website, ever!
Sorry for anybody reading this who has no idea of my history, many years ago I was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. Before they could take a sample of my spam I had to start treatment as it really was a matter of life and death.
Life and death: that’s going to be the main point of this story.
After a couple of chemotherapy treatments I was allowed to go and try to freeze some sperm just in the event that having children would come to pass in my life
This gave me a flashback to a conversation I had back in school with two of my best friends Phil and Zach. We were talking about the life, the universe and everything else in between and being teenagers and going through the hassles of puberty things seemed bleak. Well they seemed bleak for me as I was from i’m incredibly disjointed family to say the least. My family life consisted of my parents battling over custody for me and yet when they were awarded it we did nothing of any substance. Actually no, that’s not fair to my dad because he did what he could being a typical single working bloke.
Going back to the conversation I remember saying that I never wanted to have children. The reason being is that I never wanted to bring life into this world that may experience the same shit that I had to deal with. To this day, more than 20 years on I could take you to the exact spot where we had that conversation.
The irony wasn’t lost all me when the news came through that my sperm wasn’t “active”The first thing that went through my head was be careful what you wish for in this life you might get it.
I remember getting the news and being told that I was never going to have children. I was still young, only 20 years of age and it didn’t really sink into me. My girlfriend at the time, Samantha, was incomplete tears and I never understood why. Well I guess it took me longer to realise what that actually meant in the real world.
Of the few partners Dinehart has only been one that has come close to give me a pregnancy scare in the past but she was notoriously random with her periods. The day she told me she was six weeks late well I can honestly describe how I felt.
In a way I suppose I felt nothing but I was more bracing myself to see what happens. I didn’t want to tempt fate and I knew exactly how much she wanted to have a child. I’m not entirely sure that she wanted to have a child because she was with me and apparently love me or if it was just some thing that wanted in her life, another baby.
And another moment of my life that I will never forget two weeks later she walks into my office and tells me that her period has just started. Inside I was absent crestfallen. In one polarising moment I understood what having the family was all about how it would make her happy, for a brief free moments I imagine is bringing up my dad and telling him that he’s going to have a grandson. When she told me her period has started that hit me like a ton of bricks inside but I never showed on the outside, something I regret to this day. The lesson learned from my experience was that sometimes it’s good to have a poker face, other times you just need to open the fuck up.
Whilst I’m going down memory lane I remember talking to the big acts about children and I seem to remember us actually trying. well I remember at least one instance when we had done the deed and she laid on back with her legs in the air helping the swimmers. My contribution to this was to bring her a cup of tea and I went into the front room calmly I realised that somehow we were trying to have kids.
To this day I don’t know if she wanted them because she was with me or just because she wanted kids yes, that’s a pretty shitty thing to say but if you knew anything about our relationship then you know to expect things like this on a regular basis.
Spinning forward to the present day this all happened by text message.
Why is it that whenever I get a message saying “I have news” it’s never good. The last time someone had news for me was a girl that I really, really liked and we got on well. From the moment I saw heard there was an instant connection and then awhile later the “I have news message” comes through and low and behold her partner has proposed to her
The moment that I got told there was “news” my mind immediately went to thinking I am my god, I’m going to be a dad.
Anybody remember yesterday’s post where I said that normally when my sleeping pattern goes a regular, I can’t get to sleep or I wake up incredibly earlier than normal it’s a sign that something major is going to happen.
Well, low and behold, looks what happened.
Right now as I write this at this time of the morning I still can’t believe it. Despite her having blood tests that apparently accurately say how long she has been pregnant for I still can’t grasp the concept. Surely with a few partners five had before and the regular sex that are used to get I would’ve had a similar scare by now?
And this is whether what happens. For less than 24 hours I’ve been a father to a child
But nothing is ever simple in my world. The girl in question I’ve known for quite a few years and it’s unfortunate that she already has a child, and a loving partner, and Steve just bought a house together. All of those trimmings you get in life once you’ve made your decision is to be with someone.
This is put us both in a shit and horribly, horribly practical realisation. What should she do? Is she has the baby then it’s pretty obvious she’s going to lose everything in her life.
If she doesn’t have the baby then she has to live with the guilt of doing the process that has to be done. Yes, I’m being exceptionally careful to not to use the dreaded a word.
Selfishly my inner monologue is telling me that sometimes these things happen but. What happens if this is the only time in my life I will ever get a woman pregnant
Before anybody jumps in and tries to lecture me about that’s not the reason to have a child, you’re missing the point. it’s a very small part of the equation. Of course in the ideal world I would love, absolutely love to have Felicity Tarquin in my world. Yes that is the name I’ve chosen for it as that’s 1 million times better than calling what’s happened an “it”.
As much as I fight against the status quo and try live my wife as an individual that doesn’t stop me falling into the cliched trap of wanting to have a family.
Right now I’m trying to think of every possible way that Felicity Tarquin could live. It even got to the point I wish I was in ginger because if I hand black hair then at least A new life
Would be born into this world. And although I wouldn’t be a conventional farmer I can live my life knowing that I have bought someone into this world and they would have everything that I ever wanted. are very kind and very loving and very secure family.
That was the only condition I would ever have a child in my life once the building blocks are in place.
I know that there are couples out there who don’t live in an ideal world and they still make things work and they still family values into their children but one thing I have loads as I’ve gotten older is that the more secure and loving family, generally the better someone turns out.
Yes I know that’s an incredibly idealistic and may be somewhat narrowminded view but you can pick apart and general statistic till the cows come home. I don’t care if the family straight, bisexual, Swingos, gays or anything else that doesn’t appear on a politically correct statement. As long as the living environment is safe, secure and loving that Keynes for more than people will ever imagine. And I say this because this is something Inever had.
Anyways I realise that this post is fast becoming a drunken ramble and so is time for me to sign off and continue all of this tomorrow.
I just thought I would share this joy with the world