A phone interview.

Somewhere on the Internet in amongst the minds of resumes mine lurks there silently waiting for algorithmic engines to pick out keywords for the next suitable vacancy for me.

Furthermore I don’t normally answer “unknown numbers” so when I checked my voicemail I was surprised to hear that an agency was calling me for Apple support role based in Dublin.

Figuring I have very little chance of getting this one as I haven’t really done any Apple Pay support, let’s face it stays machines are pretty bullet-proof anyway, I went balls out on my CV.

It wasn’t my most elegantly worded CV but I did put down the practical stuff I have done along with a little bit of embellishments.

So the next day I was surprised to be asked to take a technical interview.

this was a three question process asking me what were the pre-requisites for a ris server, I went with the failsafe answer of DNS and DHCP, a question about how do you do a traceroute but not show the number of hops and one more question I think relating to hardware.

I took this test was googling so was even more surprised that I passed even when Google had failed me.

The guy from the agency called me yesterday to say that there was a high potential that I will be getting a telephone interview which should last about 30 minutes.

Putting on my best fake sincerest voice I said that would be an amazing opportunity blah blah blah. As always the conversation turns to about what I ain’t on my previous roles so I told the truth, more or less and he didn’t seem to blink an eyelid. This then got me thinking.

Agency guy then starts going on about bonuses and all that sort of nonsense. to me the bonus system is flawed, it’s a dangling carrots for you just up your numbers and push aside customer satisfaction and anyways what would a bonus have to do with a desktop support roll?

As I sat outside label I Hantz the good fortune to remember that when contracting you can claim quite a lot of expenses, something that I bought up with the agency guy. I’m going to guess that he was going to try and drop the rate but with the dangling carrot of a bonus.

Am I being a bit too cynical perhaps?

It Then transpires that I wouldn’t be working for the client I would be working for the agency and they would be contracting me out or if it’s a full-time position I would be an actual employee of the agency.

I got given some homework to do to lack up the company history of both companies, look at the share price and to be able to answer that stupid question of “so what do you know about the companies”.

I’m at a loss why they asked this because I’m interested in the job and nine times out of 10 you probably aren’t going to have anything else to do with the company. you won’t get to visit all the glamorous other divisions you see on the organisational charts, social gatherings with other departments never happen, you know all that sort of time wasting stuff.

However, I did my homework and it’s my worst nightmare.

The job is for a marketing agency based in Dublin.

In my life I try not to have any bad karma or hatred towards people that marketing types are their own greed. If you’ve ever read the Dilbert strip about the slimy marketing guys I can tell you for a fact that it’s bang on the money.

All seem to dress in that I call hipster, but I’m not conforming to being a hipster typestyle. They usually wear glasses that away more pretentious than anything Heston blooming file could wear.

They drink coffee from cups barely bigger than a symbol which makes me wonder what’s the point and just Haband for the environment is it to put all that energy into making something that small.

I don’t like coffee.
how many of them are going to turn up to work in the morning carrying a Starbucks mug but in an incredibly pretentious way.
If I get the job I have a plan already to be even more pretentious than them. With my Starbucks mug I’m going to buy a crochet warmer for it.

Whilst I’m on a roll.

I have a set of Levi 501s that have seen some serious duty over the five years of ownership. I did not buy these jeans and then have them distressed these jeans have seen me at my best and worst which is way more distressing than any style of jean that can be manufactured today.

In fact most of my clothing look so distressed that not even the reboot of Thunderbirds can help them.

They never get drunk. Yes you will see them drink but it is never more than the odd one or two drinks. Anything more than that or the merest hint of a suggestion to stay out later they always disappear. I can only imagine that this is because the post-modern ironic hipster jeans store is due to close shortly.

In any marketing Department you always finds the same subset of people.

The fit athletic guy: this is the guy who goes running and training as much as he can and normally has the worlds hottest girlfriend. He will try and pretend to be one of the gang but feels deep down he is way more better than you.

The hot but miserable looking chick. I don’t mean hot as in she’s quite warm but has the way factor or at least she word if she knew how to smile for once in a miserable life. She is the one in any social events that will never buy a drink and just seems that because of her looks everyone will buy them for her, which unfortunately they do with the smallest of vague hope of getting into her pants.

She’s also want to taunt. On the very odd occasion she will let down this face look that she has about two and talk to you like a human being and almost make a connection before she realises that she supposed to be a stuck up cow.

The only thing tighter than hot girl is his skinny jeans or tight blouse which both border on inappropriateness in a male dominated workplace and just how tight she can pull hair back into the stripper ponytail.

Hot girl is guaranteed to have at least hard-won one clandestinely affair with someone in the department or senior in the company.

The personal assistant/secretary of the departments: she will be one of the two traditional types.
Type one: young and incredibly pretty. Pretends to act all innocent but deep down she is plotting against you. As she is a PA to someone senior, who just happens to be a family member, or have the ear of the bosses and is considered amongst the most dangerous in the department. She easily identifiable with her award winning smile and eyes that are so bright and sparkly which means she’s either been on drugs or she’s never touched a drop of alcohol in her life.

There will be a slight sense of smugness around her as well. She will have a boyfriend and at a relatively young age be starting to think about owning her own house, or mention the fact she has a really new nice car. The type of car that nobody knows who she can quite afford on her salary.

The second type of assistance is the lesser spotted midthirties female. still incredibly attractive , Will dress less pretentiously than her younger counterparts but is normally laden with two children but definitely falls into the category of “if only she was single”.

The only main giveaway of her will be a box of tissues on the desk and are constantly running nose from having a cold or some other having children displacement.

The sort of creepy camera guy:
This is the guy who goes out and does all the photographic work. Getting there are two types of these characters. Type one is normally quiet and you Mier and perhaps working thanks to a government-sponsored work placement program when the company thought it would be a good idea to get a photographer in on the cheap.

HIs work is just about passable because of the government-sponsored kickback they get for employing him but does have that weird vibe about him.

Unfortunately he will have an office crush that after many months he will mistake friendship for interest, ask her out and she will nicely to him deign to his face but then ridicule and mock him by email in the to the department.

Type II is your more classic black jumper, thick rimmed glasses type. If you’re in doubt that he is the photographer to type ask him anything technical about photography and watch him Dodge the question better than a politician.

In front of a client he’s all smiles and almost impossibly charismatic. he won’t often indulge with conversation with anyone other lower organisational rank level than himself.

Somehow managing to come across as cool and collected and is not a bit of an arse women seem to be attracted to himno doubt installed by tales of his last exotic photo shoot locationwhen actually his last photo shoot was simply photographing products on a white background.

The accounts guy. Easily spotted as he has his own office. this is one of the most dangerous individuals within the company, approach with caution and being politically correct at all times. At no point must you indulge in balancer with said accountant guy. He is the company owners right ear.

Identifiable traits, A very nice car but never top of the range. Although it must be SPECTs and prices Reasonably out of the reach of anybody below him on the organisational rankings but not above anyone else’s either.

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A phone interview.

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