A very happy Christmas. 

This might sound a little bit strange but for me Christmas Day ranks up there as being the best day of the year.
It is not about the gifts or the horrendous amount of money we spend but looking at it on a more deeper level than not, for me it is all about the effort that is made for one day of the year. There was something so supremely nice about the roads been empty on Christmas day. Granted being a little bit selfish it does make my travelling all the more easier but it’s good to know that for the majority of people they are where they are supposed to be and not on the road.

What I enjoy by Christmas is a sense of stillness. It is quiet until one day the year there was a piece that you don’t get any other time of the year. The shops are closed and people have to resort to being families. In the small was the way it reminds me of on bank holidays where shops used to close but these days commercialism has taken over and so it’s nice to know that there is one day of the year where there is no opportunity to shop and we have to face being sociable.

For the fourth year in a row I didn’t get any Christmas cards from my so-called “family” but I did get a text message from my half-sister and that meant the absolute world to me.

I only got one card this year which is from my neighbours and I could be bitter and upset about that but it least I got a card.

A couple of days before Christmas there was a documentary on radio four about those who are truly lonely at Christmas, namely the elderly or people at an age and a life where they have no kids, the other half had passed on and that for them is it. There is nothing to look forward to on Christmas Day and I know exactly what that feels like.

If I may be melancholy for a few moments of your time I remember my Christmases back in Lincolnshire being nothing special at all. My first memory of Christmas was my mum and her husband at the time coming back and wrapping up my presence completely blind drunk.

The next Christmas after that was still in Lincolnshire, I answered the door late at night to be given a threatening message to my mums husband at the time.

The next day was made all the more special by my dad turning up two hours early to collect me. Bearing in mind he had done a five-hour drive which is no mean feat and being 12 at the time (I think) I packed up my stuff and said goodbye to my mum. Some 10 minutes later my mum was attacking my dad saying how dare he that she wanted to spend Christmas morning with me and I had to jump in between them to stop any more nonsense.

It would be some years afterwards until I actually bothered to acknowledge Christmas at all. And this was when I was with my ex-fiance.

To be fair we had a couple of really nice Christmases but I can tie you much about it other than getting a wrestling game for my PlayStation two and generally eating way too much.

The strange thing was it always felt alien to me being with a family and Christmas. To be honest it fell alien being around families that weren’t dysfunctional.

One of my closest friends during my secondary school years had a mum who would actually cook for him when he got back from school.

Seriously, this was a completely alien concept to me. Living in a pub I had to rely on the opening hours of the pub or helping myself. Believe you me trying to help yourself to food in an industrial kitchen where everything is prepped from fresh is no easy task. Spinning forward a few years down the line I spent a couple of Christmases in Birmingham, and Bristol all by myself. It wasn’t until the second year of spending Christmas alone that my dad found out and insisted that I came to see him.

My point here is that this radio four documentary really hit home.

Back in the Christmases where they consisted of waking up, waiting patiently for my parents to wake up and being a fit state to open up any presence is quite lonely and worst of all the Internet didn’t exist back then as it does now.

So this leads me to think that perhaps loneliness is only a problem for my age gap and onwards.

Let’s face it when you reach a certain age and your partner passes away and you have new children then that’s it for you. I wish you are lucky enough to have a big friend network then Christmas on your own is an inevitability.

Some might say it is nice to be invited around friends and share in their experiences of Christmas but I am not sure I fully subscribe to that. If anything it serves to highlight that I don’t have anyone of my own to spend Christmas with. In my vastly Internet connected world this year has been easier to deal with the fact that barely anyone in the real world all the virtual world sent a Christmas greeting my way but it doesn’t bother me these days. I take solace in the fact they are too busy or they have friends and family or doing whatever families/couples do on this particular day.

I am so incredibly glad I don’t have the overwhelming anxiety of waiting for the next Christmas Day argument to happen.

I don’t have to deal with that stress of waiting for something to go wrong and spending the rest of the day in silence. This might sound incredibly backward as negative when I’m glad I don’t have to suffer without any more.

The only thing that I would say makes me really sad about Christmas I need does genuinely bring a tear to my eye is the fact my dad is then longer with us.

This year I realised my dad was really was truly the only family member I have. Yes he may have been married and may have had a daughter but sadly I know I am not part of their family.

Don’t get me wrong I love my half-sister dearly and we seem to started speaking a bit more often.

Aoun confided in her the other day to say luck, a lot of people are saying a lot of bad things about me but just remember this one thing I never said anything, nor did I start anything. I said to her is up to you to think and interpret things the way you want to.

She said I know, I make up my own minds. That’s more than I could have ever asked.

Subband my main point of this incredibly rambling blog post.

There aren’t many times of the year I smile, there aren’t  many times I can say I feel a genuine peace of mind. I know in the back of my head I am facing a financial catastrophe. My world is pretty much falling apart and has been for the last few years. In the last year anybody and everybody who I never thought would has tried to screw me over in one way or another.

There is a lot more that goes on in my world than I ever let on in this blog but. Christmas Day is my favourite time of the year. To know that people are making an effort to make other people happy.

That is something to be happy about.

A very happy Christmas. 

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