Depression, tired, repeat

15:00
It’s taking every single ounce of energy I have not to fall asleep at my desk. Food has been consumed, cups of tea downed and nothig it working. Making this all the more worse is the phone call I just had about going to bar and bells.

So leave work at 5. 25 minutes to the pub to try and find some trainers, 40 minutes to the gym, work out but at least there;s a shower that’s not going to cost the earth, 30 mins home. Hoping to be in spoons by 9. Thursday has to be some down time.

1700
Leave work, get to the pub, get stuff. Sit down for 2 mins, fuel up, Drive to lesuire centre.
Got a phone call on the way asking where I am… Crap sesion starts at 1810 not 1830. Depression and feeling crap hits me like a bag of nails

1815.
Got changed in the car (again) ran in and saw them warming up. ALmost went back in to join BUT they were moving onto the actual session. I see EE check her phone before working out. Bless. Have I said shes amazing?

I watch for a bit and shes constantl smiling that smile she smiles. Amazing to see but then sadness hits me like a brick. ALmost tempted to go home but instead I opt for a swim.

£5.80 later, £2 refundable for the locker key I’m swimming or drowning less quickly might be the better saying. It’s a struggle, constantly battling negative mind talk.

Sometime later I see her up on the balcony. Grr what is it about her. Anyways she invites me over for tea. Reluctanlty accepting I push on swimming and finish at 1.2k

Sauna, shower, change, text, get one back back saying doors open.

I walk in.. immediatly asked whats up.. I try and shrug it off. She can see right through me and doesnt let it drop til I tell her.

We hug which is amazing. Im not the sort who’s touchy feely or perhaps I have been just not realised it.

Talking, eating, met the kids who I’m starting to be ok around. Didn’t leave till just gone 10. 25 min drive home which was great. Into bed and spark out… Actually feeling better. Was it the swim or the company?

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Depression, tired, repeat

Counselling and a casual hookup

Councelling went well today. Its great when someone helps points out something that you didnt see. Take my review the other week where Im told not to be sociable and not talk to people this much. After that I pretty didnt speak to anyone from Friday to monday, seeingly entering into a braindead state, not realising this till today.

Continue reading “Counselling and a casual hookup”

Counselling and a casual hookup

6 month probation review – failed.

Another 3 month probation period where it was heavily implemented that “you may not be a fit for the parks” and to work on my comms. I fired back saying im dealing with someone whos on the spectrum and quite brusque in his way of talking. Then told thats just him, accomodate that and that hes going to be more senior. Im screwed.

Its the sort of conversation where I’m told dont talk to people but be sociable. DOnt go looking for new ways to do things or help out but show initiative. Find things in the company but bring them to the team.

THe killer bit of crap was me asking to be involved with the stock take team. Manager says no neause unless the finance manager says theres a problem then we wont get inbolbed

I then had to explain just how inefficient the whole process is and that management dont care about how its done. In short they only ask for what they know they can have not what is possible.

That one went over his head but I could see something processing. Have a feeling that’s going to be back to kick me in the ass.

So long story short, I’ve three months to improve my communication with people who are anti social and don’t want to talk. Use initiative but do as im told and the way that certain people want me to do things.

6 month probation review – failed.