The Death Note Decision

Hello world.  Normally I am posting some gibberish on here that I’ve tried to dictate and it normally fails. But I feel this post warrants something a touch more personal.

The years have taken a toll on me.  My shitty life choices have taken a toll.  I can’t even blink an eye Lid without something that Ive done wrong. some embarrassing moment haunting me.  Any conversation with anyone is angst ridden, held in fear of making a screw up

This is no way to live

So I have made a choice not to.

This life is too hard, knowing that others have passed away before their time.

The burden that places on me is just too much. here I am, a person who if I pass away no one will notice. Yet there are those with loved ones, those with people who care and acknowledge their existence who have passed before me.  This isn’t right.

I want to say to the world I am sorry that I survived cancer. That I outlived my dad by some freak accident.  Im sorry that I, a person with no family, friends, a person who is anonymous in this world with no contribution exists.

I say sorry because my dad left behind a daughter and wife.  Not a son. At his funeral only 1 person knew who I was..  1.

Without dwelling on that this is how this blog is going to go. I want it to be a place of peace…  Not that anyone reads this any more.

When I go, and I know how just not the when. I’ll post here.

How I’m going to go, don’t worry. It’ll be nice and warm. I’m living in a van at the moment so I’m thinking propane cooker, confined space, a few beers.. Easy.

But before then I have to put a few things in place.

So let Marxworld live.  Let it show the humour I once had

before I go ill give it a domain name and plaster it everywhere

Not for stats, not for the go. but just to let people know I’m sorry.

The Death Note Decision

Acknowledging failure and being a recluse.

I’ve been having a bit of a think about what can I do to give myself some mental breathing space to alleviate some of the constant pressure that I’m under, which is basically crippling me. In all honesty.

In retrospect moving house, I should have kept my gut feeling because I knew that when I moved, my world would fall apart. Call it melodramatic. But I

just don’t feel comfortable there.

And since losing my best friend,

It’s not a place that I want to be.

I could tie in here and try and make it nice and homely. But I just literally don’t want to be there. There’s no sorry, there’s one happy memory that I have about the place and not there.

just tired of always thinking of

trying to survive the next struggle and stuff like that.

I’m not in surviving, I’m fine during in slowly, slowly by a million things that are going wrong.

draining.

I’m knows I’m in a vicious circle, but I just can’t

seem

to work my way out of it.

The final nail in the coffin was a very quick exchange with my ex friend and ex business partner about collecting other things. And I think that’s when I’ve decided that I’ve given up with this business.

Become the very thing I prophesies about. What would it take to make me happy? What is it I want from life? The same conversation I have with other people over and over. And it’s one that I can’t even answer for myself.

I legitimately have no will or motivation. To do

anything if I wake up,

stay in bed just to wait around to fall asleep again.

So

figuring farmer, isolated hermits, with no friends, no family, no prospect, and no career. I’m going to downsize. I’ve been offered a static caravan for half of the rent that I’m paying per month name. So I’ll be 250 pounds a month better off.

When I moved into the house, I had a foolish notion of us working together. It was supposed to be her little home away from homes, we could focus on work and get on with the project stuff and not have the clutter of teams. It was supposed to be an office for the power of us.

It literally is like

moving in together with a girlfriend. And then at the last moment she decides, Well, actually, I’m not sure about this.

And then callsign

So then you will,

You’re in a house of dreams.

Built for two on your own. Everything is a constant reminder of what could have been in the world of business and our friendship.

So I’m figuring

I’m going to tell you songs. The caravan park isn’t to find middle of nowhere.

At least I’m closer

to a main road.

The only thing I really have to work on is I’ve seen much junk.

What do I do with it?

In many ways, I felt

like this has always been my inevitable path to end up there. And it’s quite fitting.

I used to tell people that if you don’t dream you can’t

achieve and to be honest, I haven’t been dreaming for so long night. And now I’ve lost my one

person he motivated me.

And Yes, I’m aware I sound like a complete pathetic loser.

New rights

completely right. I’m not gonna walk you without.

All I can hope is that by

moving on the way If you want, I can hurt and upset

anyone else.

I can’t cause anyone any more grief. And I feel like it’s my

penance pendants.

And This will be mine.

Punishment, so to speak for the things I’ve done wrong and probably haven’t done as good as I can.

We’ll keep you posted.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

Acknowledging failure and being a recluse.

What makes it worse..

What makes it worse..
I really don’t enjoy the fact I have to preface these sort of posts by explaining the fact I’m generally not better about what’s happened to me in the last few days.

In fact if anything I almost hopefully acknowledge my own shortcomings and feelings with all that’s gone on, but sometimes people just take the piss.

Not wanting to be a dick I’m giving even more benefit of the doubt I sent a friendly message to Stacey jokingly asking “oh my God, I really do hope I haven’t been ghosted LOL“.

Her reply was is that she’s had a banging headache all day and so she hasn’t been on her phone much. I admit I’ve been on plenty of fish because I had a small suspicion that this was going to happen and what really annoyed me is that I thought after all said and done she was a genuine person and I really do mean that. Looking back I realise just how you probably gullible I’ve been.

And yes I’m quite aware that I sound like some weird stalker type person checking up on a date but it genuinely wasn’t that. I’ve never done that before but I just had an instinctive feeling.

L after all said and done this is probably just the way of the world and I’m starting to realise just how ill-equipped I am to deal with this. It more than highlights my shortcomings and I have to do something about it

What makes it worse..

Ghosted

Ghosted (again)
I’ve always been very insecure about the way I look. I’ve no idea where it stems from but this is something I’ve dealt with for most of my life.
Today I went on a date with a girl called Stacey and we have been chatting quite intensely for the last couple of days this time I was sensible I sent recent up-to-date images was completely honest about myself and so we both agreed to “rip off the Band-Aid“ and just get the whole meeting thing over and done.

I can sum up how well it went by this. By the time I got home she was already back on plenty of fish and we haven’t spoken since. I have sent her a couple of messages which I know have been read and delivered.
This is the annoying thing that we both said we both hate being ghosted there’s just no need for it. Why can’t you just be honest with that person.
Personally I don’t think the dates went too badly although in hindsight she was quite cold. There were a few smiles now and again but I think she seemed overly nervous and uncomfortable.
As from myself I was just my normal chilled out self. Things like this don’t faze me because even though I’m trying not to be “the Conduitt guy“ I often get a sense of where things are going pretty dam quickly.
Because I don’t want to wind up a cynical old git I ignored a few signs. The therapy, the issues with her ex-husband, having just finally moved house and moving out from here abusive X and all of the things in between.
I wish I knew why I’m this naive why I always think it could work.
But it all comes back to one thing it doesn’t matter how clever, funny or how much effort you put in to trying to have some really good quality conversations.

It doesn’t matter that you try to be a better listener and really try and understand things from a different perspective.

It also doesn’t matter just how much you have in common with that person.

Have the same dreams, Ideals and values? Guess what that doesn’t matter either.

You might except all of their flaws that they’ve told you about and vice versa but like I’ve already said several times none of that matters.

None of that matters because whether or not people like to admit it in this generation of ours it all comes down to one thing how you look.

I’m sort of sick to death of seeing all of these profiles of somebody wanting someone who can have a good conversation, make me laugh because all of it is bullshit. It just simply comes down to our you attracted to that person in the flesh. There is none of this giving it a go and seeing what happens,nope it’s completely binary.

I’m trying not to sound bitter given the situation I’ve just been through but even I find it a bit of a hard pill to swallow that after not seeing her on plenty of fish in the few days we have been talking to see her straight back on their list in an hour after meeting and my subsequent being ghosted.

I’m not asking for 100% success rate but each time I end up going on one of these adventures on the inevitable happens I just start to feel more and more isolated and yes I’m not afraid to say it, lonely.

People have said to me well don’t get your hopes up and yet there is depressed and isolated as I feel I really feel like I have to keep a hold of that little bit of small hope. The problem is when you’ve only got that small crumb to hold onto it gets magnified and magnified more and more.

I have to keep telling myself to believe in my conduit theory. It’s a sort of faith that keeps me going knowing that after I’ve been on a date they find someone much better suited to them after me. I don’t want to be in that situation.

Yet… matter how hard I try, do different things, approach things from different angles the result is always the same.

When I got back home I spent most of the day sleeping and I think that’s the same strategy. Going to go to spoons, have some food and then get some sleep

Ghosted

It’s my birthday!

My phone goes do you fancy Tenby? I’m a play with no, let’s stay local because there is a new place I’ve been looking forward to checking out.

Spinback the last few days and it’s been in my head to head over to Tenby and do something a little bit different to what point why we both didn’t catch the obvious sign of going to Tenby we both have no idea.

Instead we went to a new local restaurant that looks okay but the warning signs were there from the start. It was packed, we ask if they have a table, the waitress says let me check and doesn’t come back for about 10 minutes. Meanwhile the second waitress then appears and asked us if we are waiting.

I so sarcastically wanted to reply no I just fancied standing here out of the cold with my friend.

Eventually we get a table and handed a drinks menu, things may be looking up and this may not be a disaster. It wasn’t too son20+ minutes later someone finally came to the table and asked if we are ready to order. Not just all the drinks order completely now bear in mind I had to going get the food menu myself.

Whilst we are sat waiting there patiently for our drinks to arrive a table of three arrive, they needed a chair so I offered at mine and sat next to my friends, and then somehow they manage to get their drinks before us.

I think we know about 30 minutes into this adventure and don’t have any drinks. Wanting to be a little different from my birthday evening I ordered a Mojito which then took another 15 minutes to arrive. It’s when the drinks arrived within FaceTime longest waiting spell of it all. It was going to be about another 35 minutes before our food was coming to the table

When my drink did arrive it was the piss poor excuse for Mojito. And obviously by time few had arrived he had long since gone yet new waitress I’m coming to the table to see we you wanted any more drinks.

Some 15 minutes after coming through the door I’ll food finally arrives. Okay so they might of been one chef dying but if that was the case why not just say no, we can’t accommodate or there might be an incredibly long wait.

Awaits which would’ve been way more bearable if someone had bothered to come and check to see if we wanted a drink.

Why not go up to the bar and ask? Good question for which I would’ve done if at any time there was someone behind the bar. It was either a complete cluster fuck behind the bar of all of the staff being there all at once or nobody there at times.

Then there was the food. And I appreciate that a good burger needs a little bit of time to rest before being served however mine was barely lukewarm and by this time might become so frustrated and overtired, over hungry and that when the waitress did come over to check is everything okay I simply just said “its okay”

If you’re going to be busy, give poor customer service, make it in agonising wait for over an hour to get some food, the very last thing anyone could do is just make sure that it’s warm.

My birthday morning wasn’t a complete disaster as a friend popped over to say hello and helped me move the sofa. Doesn’t sound very exciting does it but it does represent quite a monumental shift for me to be moving out from my old place into somewhere that is less damp.

Is the first time in three years I’ve never had any company in the morning. Just think about that I woke up for the last three years with no company, new girlfriend before signed me I’m pretty much no want to talk to you on my birthday.

Is the first time in three years I’ve never had any company in the morning. Just think about that I woke up for the last three years with no company, no girlfriend behind me and pretty much no one to talk to on my birthday.

Three years all I’ve had is a few statutory Facebook comments wishing me happy birthday which I suppose has to be better than nothing?

It’s my birthday!